I am 37, and same thing here. In a real downward spiral, can't shut the world off because of my kids and responsibilitie...
I actually did some of these things. And it worked for me. Some may not be applicable, some may not be possible, but the last 2 years this is what I did:
BACKGROUND
I'm from NYC but I live in So Cal which I hate with every fiber of my being. The two places are like two different planetary systems.
EAT PRAY LOVE YEAR
Over two years ago I went through another one of my endless cycles of useless romances with horrible ill-matched people that left me scarred, abandoned suddenly (this one tried to break up with me over text but I insisted on a phone call for common decency), and reeling from nonstop breakups.
I used the pain to finally do what I've been wanting to do - pretend I'm elizabeth Gilbert, get rid of all my stuff and leave the country. I spent over a year traveling around the world not knowing where Id sleep at the end of the week sometimes - or even what country to buy my plane ticket to next.
It was incredibly stressful and ungrounding and insomniac - but also the best year of my life. I actually saved money leaving the country and not paying rent, and I also got to find out who I was and get closer to myspiritual core.
TAKE ME AWAY
When I was finishing up this yearlong travel I reached this low point where I no longer wanted to be on this earth. I'd always ascribed to the idea that I was an alien soul in a human body and I knew I didn't belong on this planet. I wished I could go home, wherever that was, but I knew I was stuck here stranded like the Douglas Adams hitchiker. At my lowest point, I suddenly (it felt like) converted to Christianity and it literally felt like I was born again and life had hope for the first time in three decades.
This isn't the solution for everybody and I would never suggest religious conversion as the panacea - this is just what happened to me. The theme I do extract from this is:
When you get to a really low point, often a breakthrough is about to occur. My breakup showed me how I was stuck making the worst dating choices in the world and this was my life and I literally just left everything and came back a different person forever. I thought this planet had literally NOTHING for me (I'm still not the biggest fan and I certainly hate my current town) and that I was better off dead, and then I found a new life and a new mindset and with it, came all these resources. In fact, it was a Christian recovery group I joined last year that introduced me to EMDR, and my new therapist has helped me completely come back to life.
The third not wanting to be here was just recently during this bout of CPTSD when I lost the ability to drive and lost all this weight. Every day I would scream-cry for God to kill me b/c this was pointless but He didn't so I knew it wasn't my time. 80% of my social group abandoned me. The very church that baptized me were the only people who came to my aid - they drove to my house to give me rides, make sure I had food, and once I collapsed at church and two women covered me with jackets and spoon fed me until I recovered.
So yes. All the time I wished I could disappear - my entire childhood my own mother told me she wished I were dead and I did too, though I also was never suicidal. And that's sitll my default - not wanting to be here. But everytime I seriously got to the end and not wanted to exist, something would happen. My friend would call me and tell me to get into the shower. Or I would finally pick up the phone and text my church sisters and say "I need prayer I won't make it" and someone (usually all 18 eventually) will respond. Or someone will say, "I can come bring you to the grocery store." And I will know I'm not mean to disappear yet.
Neither are you.
*subscribed, not ascribed
my internal editor is too embarrassed to keep that typo
