Not Sure How To Connect With People When Minor Stuff Makes Me Lose Many Spoons!

[anonymous]

I tried to connect with someone but it didn't work out. I KNOW the issue is them as the rejection was based on something lame, but at the same time my system is reeling and I've lost at least 2 days worth of spoons - I've Pretty much shut down. My system is on high alert and functioning is nada.

I feel like giving up. If I can't even handle the first steps of getting to know someone and minor rejection (which isn't even rejection at all), then how am I ever going to be able to have friends or connect with anyone?

I'm kind of on edge right now. I just want to give up. A lifetime of being alone? No thanks!

My system can't handle losing DAYS worth of spoons. I mean seriously, basic functioning is always more important. That is, if getting to know people zaps my functioning for days so I can't do much of anything, is having relationships even possible?

I just want to beat myself up right now as this is "proof" that I'm a reject, loner, loser, etc and don't deserve to have people in my life.

 

[anonymous]

Spoons?

I've not heard that turn of phrase before. Would you be so kind as to explain what that means?

I'm sure I'm the only one who doesn't understand. Don't read too much into this as a connection thing, I'm just dense sometimes. :hungry:

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Spoons...I think it means, losing your shit. ;)

The only way to stop this cycle is to physically change your behavior, despite your feelings. When you feel hurt, rejected, criticized, you have to trust that the feeling will pass and decide to shut your mouth. Do not react. Do not over react. Just pretend the offensive thing didn't happen. Whatever it was, mentioning it will only hurt you, not them.

It is common for people that are very sensitive to be so defensive that they are rather offensive and they perpetually drive people away. This is a viscous cycle. You have to change the behavior and eventually your feelings will follow suit.

 

[anonymous]

Lol no, losing spoons doesn't mean losing my shit. Although that would be a funny saying!

Here is the spoon analogy. It applies to many disorders/diseases, PTSD included.


The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino - But You Dont Look Sick? support for those with invisible illness or chronic illness

 

[anonymous]

Spoons...I think it means, losing your shit. ;)

The only way to stop this cycle is to physically change...

Are you saying that I made a mistake in making this post and should just be quiet, not talk about it, forget it and move on?

I did not react to the other person. At all.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

No no, talking here is healthy, but being confrontational is not. I misunderstood. I thought you were saying you were frequently offended and I assumed you meant you couldn't get close because you were confrontational. So you don't confront them but go home and agonize over things people say and retreat to yourself?

If I get offended by something, I usually go home and cool off, and the next time I see them they are happy and kind and I realize I blew it out of proportion and I feel grateful I wasn't confrontational. I guess seeing them again is what reminds me that the friendship is still there and there is nothing worth feeling offended about.

 

[Never_falter2]

Thanks for explain that phrase. Just like @Orion I always got it wrong and did not even know. I thought it meant loosing your cool.

 

[Neverthesame]

Ok. The spoon thing makes more sense now. Thank you for elaborating.

I have a bad temper, always have. Years back I used to follow the old way of managing it, which was to find a good safe target (cheap inanimate object to smash, shouting obscenities into an empty room, that sort of thing.). I have since learned that this is not a good way of dealing with this.

While it's "better" than breaking someone's nose, or inferring that their mother is a hamster, or their father smells of elderberries. Allowing the feelings to manifest into an angry outburst is still not very helpful.
(I'm going somewhere with this, I know you didn't say you have anger problems. Bear with me.)

The reason I mentioned this, is besides being ineffective, it's also exhausting.

What I had to learn to do, was find a way to let the negative feelings go, without bottling them up inside.
This involves alot of breathing as well as distraction and grounding exercises.

This took a tonne of practice to learn to do effectively. But I no longer need a nap every time I get pissed off at something. Nor do I feel like one day I'll snap, because I let it go.

I want to say again, this took alot of practice. But it works.

The other thing I had to learn to not do, was turn the anger inward. Also bloody difficult to do.
The first thing I always want to do, is something very much like this...

I just want to beat myself up right now as this is "proof" that I'm a reject, loner, loser, etc and don't deserve to have people in my life.

I'm still working on this part. But there's of people out there who don't do this to themselves so I know it's possible. So far I've been using avoidance to derail the negative internal monologue.

For myself I know that alot of my anger stems from anxiety. This is why I feel it may be relevant to your situation, as you described it.
If I'm totally wrong, sorry.
But thanks again for the link to the spoon theory thing. Quite interesting.

EDIT: Damnit. Forgot to push the anon button... :facepalm:
Lol oh well.

 

[anonymous]

No no, talking here is healthy, but being confrontational is not. I misunderstood. I thought you were say...

Your own personal scenario is not really what is happening. I'm not getting upset, going home, brooding, only to be happy that the friendship is still there.

I don't actually have any friends. The end point is picking myself up, but it doesn't negate the fact that I lost spoons.

I am saying that I struggle with connecting with people. When things don't work out it wipes me out for days. Even tiiiiiiny little things.

I am struggling with connecting because I cannot afford to lose days just because a potential connection did not work out.

There is no going back to the person because there's nothing to go back to.

I do not think you understand the spoon analogy and it is leading to great misunderstanding.

The spoon analogy in a nutshell says that people in my situation (like many others here) have a diminished capacity for expending energy. Random things can wipe out spoons. For some it may be something like taking a shower, for others it may be getting yelled at, and so forth. There are other posts on the forum which discuss spoons, one recent post asked what costs you spoons? This may help.

 

[anonymous]

I am sorry for causing drama with using a term not understand. I am sorry for wasting people's time.

 

[Neverthesame]

Thank you for letting me know. I think you are correct in that I don't understand well enough.
I will do some more reading. Then hopefully have something useful for you.

 

[Neverthesame]

I don't think you've done either of those things.

Certainly not a waste of time.