Not Sure If I'm Real...

[Go Hungry]

So I was looking about last night, about alcoholic families, and I found this article about the roles in an alcoholic family. Some of them jumped out at me, particularly the ones of Hero and Lost Child. The lost child one, it struck a deep chord in me. Here it is:

Lost Child
- no connection to family; brings relief to family by not bringing attention to the family; feels lonely; does not learn communication and relationship skills
- has much in common with scapegoat -> neither feels very important
- disappears from the activity of the family
- sees much more than is vocalized
- reinforced for causing no problems
- build quiet lives on the edges of family life and are seldom considered in family decisions
- they hide their hurt and pain by losing themselves in the solitary world of short-term pleasure including excessive TV, reading, listening to music, drugs, object love, eating and fantasy
- favorite places for the lost child are in front of the T.V. as well as in his/her room
- due to the sedentary lifestyle, a lost child tends to have issues with weight
- as adults they feel confused and inadequate in relationships
- may end up as quiet loners with a host of secondary issues such as: sexuality problems, weight problems, excessive materialism, or heavy involvement in fantasy
Lost child's purpose: does not place added demands on the family system; he/she is low maintenance.

This is me. This sums up my entire childhood. It is so spot on, so damn familiar.. The weight problems, the overwhelming focus on escapism (TV, books, music, fantasy) an obsession with sex. I am all right here, summed up and put on a platter.

So it got me wondering.. Am I real? When I first got the PTSD diagnosis and started researching its effects on the body and mind.. The symptoms and coping methods. About the behaviours that are oh-so typical of the illness... It was me too.

Am I real? Or just some accumulation of the symptoms of a chaotic life? It may sounds weird... But I know that I am every bit the "Lost Child"... I am very very typical, (even stereotypical) for a person with PTSD. And, strangely related, I remember buying wholesale into the entire "Generation X" marketing hype back during the 90's. I wore brightly coloured clothes, listened to punk music, rebelled and challenged authority, all as the marketeers told me to. I was, again, filling a role set out for me by others.

I'm just not sure. I mean.. I know that whatever I am is shattered.. Kid and Fiend are horrifyingly real. Their purity of focus, their monstrous obsession.. they are as 'real', as authentic as anyone has ever been... But the rest of me. My behaviour, my 'likes' and preferences.. I feel as if there isn't a Real "Authentic" person in me.

As if I am just some sort of walking Reaction.. something that happens to have matter and form, but is simply vacant... As empty, as meaningless, as a turn of the wind.

 

[Friday]

Why would you have to be different from most people in order to be "real"?

That's what statistics are... Descriptions of most people. I know all of our movies and things have so long highlighted those who are outside of, or on the narrowest side the bell curve, by "beating impossible odds blah blah blah..." That many people think that it is norm. ((Aside: loved the movie Edge of Tomorrow... As they killed, broke, & banged up the main character 40 zillion times. Yep. Roll under a moving car? You're going to get squished 99% of the time.))

Point being... Whether you're smack dab in the middle of a statistic, or in any other way fall into the normal & expected reactions of most people... It doesn't make you less real. Nor any less special or individually yourself.

 

[Go Hungry]

That is a good point. :)

 

[shimmerz]

So it got me wondering.. Am I real?

I am going to go out on a limb here @Go Hungry , and welcome you to the world of developmental trauma. It is an animal unto itself imho, because before we ever had a moment to search for and express 'our SELVES', we were busy molding and sculpting ourselves into what we HAD to BE in order to survive. And at the end of the day, it feels like we are just a 'clone' or a 'stepford wife' that is just living through reactions and defenses that we learned as a child.

You might find some value in looking at some of the Structural Dissociation threads, take special note of ANP and EP things found in threads here. As I recall, you are co-conscious with Kid and Fiend. Many of us who suffer from Developmental Trauma are currently looking for our 'SELVES'. You know, the soul that had potential before shit hit the fan constantly.

It might be a good idea to talk to your T about this new feeling of yours.

As with anything i write, take what you need and leave the rest. :hug::hug:

 

[Ronin]

@Go Hungry, you're definitely real. Real enough to worry about these things, even. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Yep. You're real.
And...what @shimmerz said above, I echo.
Much of what you write resonates with me...particularly the doubt that there is any "me" who is real at the core of all these parts. It is part of developmental trauma. I have been lucky enough after a lot of meditation and body-oriented therapy and discussions on this board and reading to have had a few openings in the chaos and perceive that I really do have a SELF hidden away under all this mess. It gives me hope and excitement to continue the journey to uncovering it/building it (both and).

 

[Go Hungry]

Well.. doing better now. Considering how badly thrashed up I was, I would say much better. I took yesterday off work and spent most of it crying, sleeping, and trying not to puke anymore. Went out with my Mother for my birthday steak, but started getting sick again in the car before I could go get groceries. (My car is dead, so I have to get rides from her to do just about anything.) So I came home, slept some more... Then did some more research, and finally got a friend on skype to talk to about this.

I would normally talk to my mother about my problems, but she said that I really needed to get a therapist on this one, because it's something she can't talk about. Said that it would be bad for our relationship to try and talk about it. Which makes sense, I guess. When we first started talking of it the day before, she kept glossing it all over and trying to tell me how important exercise was for your health. At one point I asked if she even heard what I was saying, that it seemed like she didn't understand the importance of it. She just said that she had been through it all and she didn't want me to have to go through it all, so it was best to just... ignore it, I guess?

Reading through the symptoms of an alcoholic family, it almost seems like she had immediately fallen back into that overprotective 'compensation' role. Strange stuff.

My friend suggested the same thing, that it sounded like she was still trying to smooth over things about our family, even 30 years later. That she was stuck in the same frame of mind that she had always been. And that it really was something that she couldn't address because she herself wasn't ready to process it all.

Anyways, another thing my friend said, when I first started going into my sob story about it, was that I was being silly.. that I was already working on this, and that it shouldn't affect me 'THIS HARD'... That it was like stressing over a bill when I was already in line to pay it off? I said that it was like... I was in line, but I finally got the courage to open up the bill and look at it, and it was OMGWTFBBQ big. He then laughed and said... "Well you know that you're an alcoholic, and that your Dad is an alcoholic, so what the hell was I expecting when I opened the 'bill' called Alcoholic Family Systems?"

I laughed and laughed, because it made perfect sense. Grounded me immediately. I was suddenly back in the 'Here and Now'... This is rotten information to be sure, and the size of that 'bill' was overwhelming to say the absolute least... But I am who I am, Now. I had been reacting like a 12 year old again (actually I think it was Kid who was riding me for the last 1.5 days)... But that's not who I am today. I got the smarts, I got the strength, I got the will.

So I'm doing better. Much better. :)

 

[shimmerz]

"Well you know that you're an alcoholic, and that your Dad is an alcoholic, so what the hell was I expecting when I opened the 'bill' called Alcoholic Family Systems?"

There is nothing quite like a friend who knows our stuff and can say it how they see it is there? He sounds like a great support @Go Hungry. Great going on rebalancing yourself!

 

[Recovery4Me]

. Went out with my Mother for my birthday steak,

How did you sneak your 'unreal' birthday past us?:clown: Well heck, here is your belated cake for a speeding-that-sentence-by gentleman!:ninja:

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! May you have many, many more!

 

[Go Hungry]

Actually, today is my birthday... So you're right on time! =)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Yes! I got something right! Woo-hoo!

((hugs)) to you on your Day! What was it like?

 

[Go Hungry]

:pIt was horrible.. I spent all day playing games with friends and eating seafood!! :bawling: