Sexual Assault Not sure if this was abuse.

[Kara]

I met this guy who lived few hours away so things took off slow and we talked on the phone a lot gettin to know each other. We talked about sex and I told him I’ve only been with one partner. He said he likes rough sex and would like to try it with me but how he is worried I’d hate him for it and he reassured me it’s just bedroom play.

During one of our meet ups we spent a few days together and the sex was so rough so fast and I hated so much of it (but I liked some of it too.) but he seemed to love it so I didn’t say anything. I was spat on, choked, slapped, belted, called names.. everything so fast.

Anyway the last day I told him I had feelings for him and I’d like this to become serious. He said I’m not really there.. cause the sex got so rough so fast I had to numb my feelings for you and I didn’t really feel that spark. I told him but that’s what you asked for the entire time we knew each other.. why didn’t you say anything? He then said well why didn’t you? It’s also your fault you didn’t tell me when you didn’t like something.

I cried and then he cried too and said he’s sorry and we ended it. We talked again two months later and he has been dating a new girl and thanked me for making him realize he does enjoy rough sex but he learned from his mistakes with me so he doesn’t repeat them with her.

I can’t call it abuse cause I never said no to him. I let him do it all to me and I said nothing, but now those memories of him doing these things to me haunt me and I’ve been reeling with aching pain for 5 months now and it’s not going away. Why does it feel like betrayal and abuse? But it’s not?

I’m only blaming myself... I keep saying well he had a point.. he’s right. How can he fall for me when he’s spitting on me? He also said it in a condescending righteous way like he was being the voice of reason and I was crazy. I feel traumatized. I met another guy and we had sex (not rough at all) but he did something that other guy did so I immediately remembered and I started crying mid sex.

I don’t know where to go from here... I keep dreaming about it. Last night I dreamt that him and I had sex and he never called me after.. it felt like I’m still getting used even in my dreams. I can’t stop hating myself.

 

[Justmehere]

Are you wondering if you were raped? If so, read this first

It seems like regrettable sex that had a really big impact on you. I'd suggest considering meeting with a counselor to work it through.

 

[Suzetig]

I’d second talking it through with a counsellor, it sounds like you stopped listening to the part of you that didn’t want what was going on and kept on with it. I’d also explore the part of you that, despite not liking the rough sex, wanted to be in a relationship with someone who did, especially the feelings of wanting a serious relationship when you really didn’t enjoy the sex.

I don’t think it was abusive in that you consented, didn’t say no and after the rough sex said you wanted to be with him but it sounds like you’ve betrayed yourself a bit, if that makes sense?