*sigh* Ok, here goes...sorry if this is so long.
I have...sort of...attacks. Some of them longer than others. I wanted to describe the one I had tonight. I feel very strange typing this out. It's hard for me because I feel so strange for behaving this way. I don't talk about it, although my friend (who's my ex and a bit more than just a friend, even now) has been witnessing it ever since I moved in with him. I'll call him Nick.
I was in a good mood all day today, actually felt clear-minded (I'm working on getting my ADHD meds straight), got stuff done, ect. Me and Nick went to the bookstore after he got off work, to return some books of mine and then get something to eat. I was looking forward to the time spent out with him as he's usually a massive homebody - can't drag him out for nothing.
After I returned my books, I went to find him. I found him, not suprisingly, in the Graphic Novels section. As I walked up to him, I saw which book he was looking at (ok, this is stupid, but thinking about this itself is making my heart pound). It was a Batman book, about the Joker, The Killing Joke. He'd had it before and I...well, I ended up ripping all the pages out of it while screaming like a madwoman before he even got a chance to look at it - and yes I know I shouldn't destroy other people's things, I know. It was the pictures in it that upset me the most. I'm sure they were nothing to most people, but...I couldn't stop shaking then, as I first read it at home the first time.
So, when I saw he had it at the store, and was reading through it - all those images came back, combined with the fact that he was looking at them. What did he think of it? Was it nothing? Was he...even...titilated at what had upset me so badly? That thought hurt me a lot. I got really upset right then, and even though I wasn't done browsing, gave him the keys to my car and told him to drive.
While he ran in to get food for himself at a fast food joint, I sat in the car, shook, pulse fast and heart beating. After we got home, I went in my room and sat in the dark, then got up and poured myself a strong rum and coke. But before I could even get a sip in I was in the bathroom, having sort of dry heaves. After a while Nick came in, and wanted to know what was wrong. He's seen me in various states like this before, and obviously after the first episode dealing with his comic book. I couldn't speak to him, literally. I couldn't talk at all. I was...scared. Like, fight or flight. I was by that time a bit sweaty and gross, and when he reached out for me, I yelped and started crying softly, still scared. It was hard to be touched. I thought I wanted comfort, yet I wanted to scream, or hit, and the whole time my body...I felt trapped inside it. He kept asking me what was wrong, to talk to him, and should he go away since no good was being done if I wasn't talking? I shook my head and said nothing.
I eventually spoke up and asked for my drink, and took a pill (not sure if I can talk about that here) to calm me down. It worked, and I started to loosen up, tired and my head feeling almost hung-over-ish from what I assume was stress on it. I started to disassociate from what was happening...and here I am, still a bit not-sober, still detached feeling.
After I was feeling better (and well before I got on here), Nick walked away and sat down to surf the computer. That hurt too, maybe not so much because I still needed attention but the fact that I felt something so intense, that scared me, that could presumabally happen anytime without warning (which is scary in itself), and he's casual as ever right after being so concerned. I was maybe envious that he could be so normal. The rest of the night nothing was said.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Sometimes it can be different from others. Sometimes it lasts longer. Sometimes it happens more often or hardly at all. I'm afraid to talk to anyone I know. I feel like such a freak, like I'm being so dramatic.
Anyways. That's what I wanted to post. I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of posting, I guess I just wanted to know if I'm the only one who does this in such a fashion. I feel so alone in this.
Thanks for reading.
I have...sort of...attacks. Some of them longer than others. I wanted to describe the one I had tonight. I feel very strange typing this out. It's hard for me because I feel so strange for behaving this way. I don't talk about it, although my friend (who's my ex and a bit more than just a friend, even now) has been witnessing it ever since I moved in with him. I'll call him Nick.
I was in a good mood all day today, actually felt clear-minded (I'm working on getting my ADHD meds straight), got stuff done, ect. Me and Nick went to the bookstore after he got off work, to return some books of mine and then get something to eat. I was looking forward to the time spent out with him as he's usually a massive homebody - can't drag him out for nothing.
After I returned my books, I went to find him. I found him, not suprisingly, in the Graphic Novels section. As I walked up to him, I saw which book he was looking at (ok, this is stupid, but thinking about this itself is making my heart pound). It was a Batman book, about the Joker, The Killing Joke. He'd had it before and I...well, I ended up ripping all the pages out of it while screaming like a madwoman before he even got a chance to look at it - and yes I know I shouldn't destroy other people's things, I know. It was the pictures in it that upset me the most. I'm sure they were nothing to most people, but...I couldn't stop shaking then, as I first read it at home the first time.
So, when I saw he had it at the store, and was reading through it - all those images came back, combined with the fact that he was looking at them. What did he think of it? Was it nothing? Was he...even...titilated at what had upset me so badly? That thought hurt me a lot. I got really upset right then, and even though I wasn't done browsing, gave him the keys to my car and told him to drive.
While he ran in to get food for himself at a fast food joint, I sat in the car, shook, pulse fast and heart beating. After we got home, I went in my room and sat in the dark, then got up and poured myself a strong rum and coke. But before I could even get a sip in I was in the bathroom, having sort of dry heaves. After a while Nick came in, and wanted to know what was wrong. He's seen me in various states like this before, and obviously after the first episode dealing with his comic book. I couldn't speak to him, literally. I couldn't talk at all. I was...scared. Like, fight or flight. I was by that time a bit sweaty and gross, and when he reached out for me, I yelped and started crying softly, still scared. It was hard to be touched. I thought I wanted comfort, yet I wanted to scream, or hit, and the whole time my body...I felt trapped inside it. He kept asking me what was wrong, to talk to him, and should he go away since no good was being done if I wasn't talking? I shook my head and said nothing.
I eventually spoke up and asked for my drink, and took a pill (not sure if I can talk about that here) to calm me down. It worked, and I started to loosen up, tired and my head feeling almost hung-over-ish from what I assume was stress on it. I started to disassociate from what was happening...and here I am, still a bit not-sober, still detached feeling.
After I was feeling better (and well before I got on here), Nick walked away and sat down to surf the computer. That hurt too, maybe not so much because I still needed attention but the fact that I felt something so intense, that scared me, that could presumabally happen anytime without warning (which is scary in itself), and he's casual as ever right after being so concerned. I was maybe envious that he could be so normal. The rest of the night nothing was said.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Sometimes it can be different from others. Sometimes it lasts longer. Sometimes it happens more often or hardly at all. I'm afraid to talk to anyone I know. I feel like such a freak, like I'm being so dramatic.
Anyways. That's what I wanted to post. I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of posting, I guess I just wanted to know if I'm the only one who does this in such a fashion. I feel so alone in this.
Thanks for reading.
