Supporter Not Sure Where To Turn...

[Day2Day]

Someone I know has severe PTSD.

It has been long repressed for many years, and it is now just bubbling to the surface. There is no violence or suicidal intentions involved, and everyone is safe. I am very grateful for that.

I have been close to this individual for many years, and, although I knew that trauma had occurred, I did not know the extent. Although we do take things one day at a time (hence the username), I am finding it difficult to anticipate what is or is not acceptable around them, particularly in emails and texts. No matter what I say, or what we are talking about, it seems that I inevitably put my foot in my mouth or trigger anger.

I am worried about treading that fine line of giving appropriate distance and providing enough support.

I realize I am being vague, but privacy is extremely important in this matter. Any ideas or support are greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
D2D

 

[safenow]

Ask them to set up some boundaries with you. And you also set some boundaries with them. Let them know you care, but you have to stay safe (mentally as well as physically) from them and for yourself.

just my .02 cents

safenow

 

[Day2Day]

@safenow:

Thank you for chiming in so quickly. I agree with that idea, but my concern is also that it could be misinterpreted as trying to blame PTSD for every misstep, not dissimilar to how chauvinists assume that a woman is on her period when she is upset.

I find it difficult to inquire about the individual's state of mind when they are already agitated. It's like having a discussion with an exposed nerve.

Trying to back out of the conversation can itself result in an argument.

 

[safenow]

One thing you need to be aware of it this: Just because a person has PTSD is no reason to be a jerk. I have found it depends upon how you word things. You know?

For example: "I am setting boundaries for you. If you piss me off and break them, I'm gone!" vs "Honey, I learned today that when we set some clear boundaries with each other, we will be a lot happier and be able to solve problems when they crop up. I also learned from those who have it, that they will crop up. That is part of what having PTSD is all about. But I know together we can work this out. Are you willing to help me in this?"

See the difference? Giggle. A bit extreme I know.

Good luck, Oh yes. Don't do this while they are upset. Do it during a calm time.
safenow

 

[Phenioxrising]

The best thing I've found is to not push your views on him. PTSD is a mental dissorder but also a stigma. Were not feeling as sorry for ourselves as some might think. We've been through more than some proud CEO's could probably have gone through. sure they can say sh^t but can they take it. Abandonment is a fear we all try to repress, and if I get rid of you before you get rid of me its easier; or so you think at the time.

Yes he gets pissed and hurt as do we all, just think we all like to talk....but don't we like to talk more when going out to eat and bring up safer stuff to talk about.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Day2Day,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

PTSD is hard on relationships and really learning all about it that you can is the first step to understanding. The following book is one of the best one's for dealing with PTSD within a relationship context.

The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relations
Author: Diane England

There is an entire section for supporters, and I hope you find the information and support there helpful for yourself.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)