Nothing left to try

beansj

New Here
Called all the IOPs the last two weeks after my close girl friend blindsided me. None will work.

I tried therapists and psychiatrists, they betrayed me for the most part too. Dozens of treatments.

No more friends. Abusive family stalking me. Since my friend blindsided me I’m having massive flashbacks.

People at work saying awful things - they’re all manipulative. Was put in a life threatening situation in a foreign country by a boss’ idiotic choice to go out during pro-Palestine protests next to Israel. In order to protect herself politically she tells senior managers in having a mental breakdown (not far off) and they give her a monetary award for “always caring about her employees’ “ safety.

The girl who blindsided me knew my PTSD. Psychology degree. Talked every day for 5 months. All day about everything. Texts “sorry to reply slow, my boyfriend is here to visit this week for my birthday tomorrow”. I wish happy birthday and when she reaches out to talk about herself days later I say polite things about broken trust. Halfhearted apology and “I hope you find some peace soon” - ask if she wants to know anything and she says “Nono I know you’re protecting yourself”. No “are you okay”, no “do you have someone to talk to”, no “oh my goodness I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know you said you can’t trust me but is there anything I can do”. She knew my suicidal thoughts came back when my parents sent a priest to my city 2,700mi away (I never told them where I lived).

Abandoned by parents
Abandoned by teachers
Abandoned by friends
Abandoned by girlfriends
Abandoned by work
Abandoned by therapist
Abandoned by psychiatrist
Abandoned by TMS clinic
Abandoned by Ketamine clinic (this was the worst)

Still, new friends (abandoned), new girls (abandoned), … rinse repeat.

Call all IOPs last two weeks, eight of them. Whole time they play hard to get, making you call and answering all their insurance questions to make sure they get paid before telling you that they’re program is only 9am-1pm and is 1hr away meaning working full time is impossible. When you say it won’t work it’s “oh ok - well good luck in your recovery journey! *click*“

I’m surrounded by 21 years of books, sleep aids, exercise equipment, journals, … decades of failed attempts. It’s hilarious. I can’t stop laughing. What a joke this has all been.
 
This sounds like it should be in the "core beliefs" category to me... I honestly think you're making major errors in reasoning.

Trying to work full time while doing trauma therapy in an IOP setting is a false starting point, IMO. Even if you forced it to somehow work from the scheduling, your brain and body are never going to be able to handle the schedule of IOP trauma therapy plus full time work at the same time.

So saying you've got nothing left to try? Is an absolute fallacy and that kind of thinking sets you up for suicidal ideation.

You have an entire universe's options full of things left to try.

Leaving your job for one thing.

Going on a year's break from your job.

Getting your boss to agree you're going to have to work "from home" for a few months.

There's all sorts of treatments, IOP, inpatient, outpatient. There's all sorts of medical treatments.

There's so many life options that could be helpful.

It's YOU that's limiting yourself by the arbitrary "rules" that YOUR brain has set up.

Yes, I know it's hard to fight these rules, because they seem so convincing.

But it's part of the battle of being human. EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT THEIR OWN PERSONAL DEMONS AS PART OF THE COURSE OF THEIR LIFE.

Change your thinking.

Then you can start changing your life.
 
I second the challenging core beliefs. It reads as though you are having feelings and thoughts and making them facts, rather than thinking there may be another way to see the situation. When we get into "there is only one way to see this", that's when I know I'm in a place where I need to question my thoughts. Hard to do when everything is overwhelming, but really important to help get out of this state you are in.

It sounds as though you are struggling immensely and in a very difficult space. It must be very hard.
What is making you think all treatment options won't work right now? If you have access to some treatment, it sounds it is needed.
 
Trying to work full time while doing trauma therapy in an IOP setting is a false starting point, IMO. Even if you forced it to somehow work from the scheduling, your brain and body are never going to be able to handle the schedule of IOP trauma therapy plus full time work at the same time.
Interesting. Last year I was paying $1,200/mo for the top trauma therapist in my city, she kept telling me to go to an IOP. It's practically all she said. "You can do it while you're working, go to an IOP." I stopped seeing after 6 sessions because it's basically all she said.

Leaving your job for one thing.
I am completely incompetent currently. Aside from applying for disability, this won't work. And even still it will require me to dislodge everything I had going for me in life in order to move out of my HCOL city.

Leaving your job for one thing. (Pt 2)
When I was more competent, my therapist for 2 years kept pushing TMS on me. In a particularly traumatizing exchange at the time he told me "I don't think quitting your job is going to fix anything. I think your negativity is going to follow you wherever you go"

Going on a year's break from your job.
The job will not be there when I am back. This is a cushy job at an organization that's morally bankrupt.

Getting your boss to agree you're going to have to work "from home" for a few months.
I can only do half of my job at home.

There's all sorts of treatments, IOP, inpatient, outpatient. There's all sorts of medical treatments.
21 years of therapy and medications. TMS. Ketamine. Almost all these treatments have had a detrimental effect on me.

ECT
I haven't done ECT. I don't want to, but perhaps its the deepest form of self-sabotage. I could do it before I go. Except I will have to figure out how to hire a travel nurse or something. I have not a single person to call to pick me up from the hospital. When I shattered my ankle years ago I had no help for that either. I almost couldn't leave the hospital.

Sleep Diet Exercise "Change your thinking. Then you can start changing your life."
I have spend years creating the perfect routine. I do it all. 9hr sleep, exercise, healthy eating (giant freezer of meals I make in bulk), journaling, affirmations, reading philosophy/psychology, and that too has gotten me nowhere.

A couple of days ago it hit me. It's hilarious. I'm surrounded by decades of failed attempts to get better. Decades are gone from my life, and nothing makes sense. I was laughing uncontrollably. It is really funny.

I don't think it's about challenging core beliefs. Maybe. Maybe all this abject failure just deepens a sense of self-loathing I can't break on my own. The point of the post was for people to write meaningful therapies to try. I think I have done everything but IOP (can't do) or ECT (last resort and I have no one to drive me from the hospital or monitor me). If I need to challenge my thinking, then maybe I could rob a bank and then perhaps I could take a year off or pay for IOP. I could file for disability and accept that the things I wanted to accomplish in life will never happen
 
I am completely incompetent currently
This statement, is somewhat at odds with the following 2 statements:
This is a cushy job
I do it all. 9hr sleep, exercise, healthy eating (giant freezer of meals I make in bulk), journaling, affirmations, reading philosophy/psychology,
How do you arrive at the thought “I am completely incompetent”, when you are:
Working full time
Exercising daily
Preparing and eating healthy meals for each day
And pursuing leisure interests like reading.

Genuine question.

Is it possible that you feel incompetent, and your brain is telling you “I am completely incompetent”, but perhaps it’s not actually true?

That’s something I think a lot of therapists (trauma or otherwise) would tackle with CBT.
 
Agreed… it sounds more like a protective core belief (how do I keep everything I have, without changing anything, to get a different result)… than a reality.

IMO it’s a damn valid q/core belief.

But? It still sounds like a q/belief… rather than an unavoidable reality.
 
I should have said “I did it all”

I’m not doing anything currently. Extreme flashback almost 3 weeks now. Can’t even sleep more than 4 hours. And when I was doing everything? I would’ve happily walked off a cliff.

No, I’m not exactly working full time. In exchange for dealing with toxic behaviors, ignoring corrupt practices, and not suing them when they choose not to give me work; I don’t have to do much. It’s really hard to explain the dynamics of this place. The point is it’s toxic, nothing gets done, and I can survive. Unfortunately the lack of successful work and decline in reputation of the company has stalled my career. I could pull myself out except I can’t really function anyway.

Telling me this is an issue of my core beliefs seems like telling me to gaslight myself into thinking dozens of people love/care for me when I’ll go 6-7 months without receiving a text or phone call.
 
Not sure why I’m writing here. I don’t want this job. I didn’t come to argue whether I’m rational or irrational. I can’t function and I can’t find help. That’s why I wrote this here.
 
I’m not doing anything currently. Extreme flashback almost 3 weeks now. Can’t even sleep more than 4 hours
Okay - this is a very different picture to the one I had based on your original post.

If it were me? Personally I always prioritise sleep. When I’m not getting a good nights sleep, it’s very hard for anything else to go right. So, that’s where I’d start.

As a side? This job doesn’t sound like it’s worth it. If it’s making you miserable, then you deserve better. Even if ‘better’ means less pay.
 
Hi @beansj I hear you when you say you can't find help and you feel what you have tried has been to no avail. I think sometimes things don't work because there is a missing piece. And about being uncared for, I can go the same, unless someone wants something from me. I do not actually matter to anyone, and wonder if I ever did, though I think I did to me mom, which is about as generous about the reality of it as I can get, and she's been dead a long time so I am not sure if it matters. Even not a happy birthday from family. Makes me feel what's the point of existing, when I really don't?

I also know feeling horrible about writing, but it is not horrible to feel horrible. It's actually honest to say you feel at the end of your rope. (I too should feel badly about writing here now but why BS?)

I agree lack of sleep makes it 1000x worse. I also wonder if the suggestions re: cognitive distortions is because in that state of feeling most of us (at least myself, I will say) feel the magnification of the hopelessness, and the self-disgust and despair. I definitely find myself defaulting to the worst explanation or scenario; sometimes it likely applies and sometimes not as much as I expect.

I have heard latest of a treatment that involves a blood pressure med to reduce the severity of negative memories. Involves about 6 sessions of re-discussing the memory. The premise is because memories are constantly altered, each new time they are stored and the reconsolidation is affected it quells some of the negative emotional impact. Hence the memory remains as a bad memory but not the same emotional re-experiencing.

Sometimes I think it's trying to solve too much, instead of just one thing at a time. Such as, sleep. Or eat (better). Or tackling one fear with exposure. Or x,y,z. The biggest part being none of it will probably make you feel much better at first or doing it.

Aside from that, our brains listen to what they hear. So when we keep repeating what we know, it's like rehearsing and increases it. Unfortunately, I don't think there is an easy way to manage despair and pain. Especially sandwiched within an experience of disregard or no support or care. I do think people care here though, and it is important to write it out. You have a voice here. I hope you can find hope and support, and something tangible that helps daily and long-term.

Welcome to you.
 
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