copntrouble
New Here
This is my first time here on this website. I have never done this before, but I am gonna try and write down what is going on. I just want to get through this...I have to!
Today is June 7, 2011....I am 40 years old and I have been a retired police officer for almost 7 years. I was retired 1.5 years after my incident...let me try to explain....if too long just yell at me....sorry.
June 18, 2002 - I was working as a police officer with a partner on a HOT Tuesday night. Long story short...I was driving a patrol vehicle when we started a pursuit after the driver tried to run over people in excess of 100 mph throughout my city (450,000+)...The chase lasted approximately 46 min. During the pursuit the suspect vehicle blew its engine and stopped. The occupants exited the vehicle right in front of me as I was coming to a stop. The passenger was standing in the middle of the street with his back to me. As we approached the area the passenger turned around and leveled a sawed off shotgun directly at me from a distance of approx 15 feet...I tried to run him over with my vehicle, but he jumped out of the way of my patrol vehicle. I slid the vehicle to a stop and exited. I then watched as the driver of the suspect vehicle and the passenger car jacked a young woman. I could not do anything about it, The driver had an automatic rifle and the passenger had the shotgun. They beat the young woman and threw her to the ground. They then fled the scene. I got back into my car and chased the suspects again. The pursuit went on and on with more and more dangerous situations involving traffic situations that are too numerous to even attempt to get into...We should/could have died 5 different times while driving alone...numerous close calls for both myself and my partner..but also for the innocent people just going about their evening...(I can't stop the movie playing!!). The suspect then had his tires popped with stop sticks and the vehicle stopped at an intersection of a freeway. Both suspects exited the vehicle. The passenger ran to a parked car waiting for the red light. I exited my car and chased the suspect on foot. He was approx 80 feet in front of me. He stopped at the lady's car waiting for the light and tried to open her driver door. I stopped and shouted for him to stop and to drop the shotgun...He turned to look at me and then focused on the lady waiting....He leveled the shotgun at her head from outside the driver door. I then fired two rounds hitting him in the head from 65 feet with a .45...The bullets forced the suspect to the rear passenger door where he then proceeded to walk directly at me with the shotgun leveled directly at me...I followed with 6 more rounds...I could see the bullets piercing his shirt and entering his chest...He dropped at the front of the car...I rapidly approached him...he moved and I shot him again through his ribcage from approx 15 feet....My partner then handcuffed the suspect....I immediately went to the lady waiting...She was lying down across the car and onto the passenger seat...She was shaking violently...it looked fake as she was shaking like I have never seen....I convinced her to unlock the door, but she could not function...I reached in the car and removed her in my arms...I carried her over to another patrol vehicle (who was now on scene) and left her with another officer from a different agency....I then ran to my partner and checked him to make sure he was not shot...After I knew he was okay I went over the curb...watched and collapsed...(the driver of the car didn't make it very far, as he tried to run onto the freeway...a state police officer stopped him and arrested him without further incident)...my guy died.
After the incident I was required to return to the scene to complete a "walk-thru" with detectives investigating the incident...I hadn't realized the lady's car, that was waiting at the light, had three bullet holes in the windshield of the car. One round was lodged in the steering wheel at the 12 o'clock position...Lawsuits follow from his family........1.5 years later I could no longer function as a police officer....I medically retired in 2004.......
2 years of weekly therapy (2x week)...Wellbutrin, lexapro, paxil, xanex, and now Zoloft. A live in treatment facility for a week...and I have been floundering around suppressing myself for all to see...while privately living a dead life. It seems as if the only feeling I have and can actually exhibit is sadness and worthlessness. Joy is temporary and quickly covered with these terrible feelings. It is usually when the fun times end and people go home...then I am stuck with only my mind and these movies that NEVER stop in my head...each and every day my mind races back to these questions:
-what if?
-why me?
-What could I have done?
-How do I regain my self?
-I just want to be normal again!!
-I just want to be a father and husband, friend and companion to those I love and adore...but I can't let myself feel anything...or I can't??? Confused and fed up......
The alcohol...the marijuana...and the prescription drugs do NOTHING....I think?? I don't know...I am so scared to go off of this Zoloft....I hate taking these pills every day...I feel so weak!
So here I am now...2011...I have a 2 year old little girl who is an absolute angel!! But I cannot maintain any type of a close relationship with my wife of 11 years. She has had it with me....There is NO violence in our home whatsoever....it is just NEVER ENDING DRAMA! I have told my wife that I have put all of this behind me...but it is an inflated balloon of B.S.! I have tried to play this off and push it out of my head because I feel as if this has gone on long enough...I am no longer a cop...I don't want to be a cop anymore...but I cannot function very well at all in normal society....Attention span is non existent...Multi-tasking is something from my past and not present in my life whatsoever...I cannot relate to people when they are going through difficult time of their own...I have absolutely NO sympathy for anybody. I guess I have the attitude that NOTHING is that bad to get upset about in comparison to what I have lived through...So I am COLD...unforgiving, emotionally numb, feeling like I don't belong anywhere, and I CANNOT control my sad emotions to the point where I physically can't stop crying for hours on end....I have hid most of that from my wife and family...Maybe it's because I feel as if the people around me have worn themselves out dealing with me...I am ashamed of what I have become. I cannot even bring myself to obtain a full time job...the thought of it scares me and I don't know how to handle it...I just avoid it altogether, and it has infuriated my wife....I love her very much...I love my family...I just can't break myself free of this.
Now what do I do?? Someone...please help me....I'm so done hurting everyday of my life! I just want to live without the nightmare....
Today is June 7, 2011....I am 40 years old and I have been a retired police officer for almost 7 years. I was retired 1.5 years after my incident...let me try to explain....if too long just yell at me....sorry.
June 18, 2002 - I was working as a police officer with a partner on a HOT Tuesday night. Long story short...I was driving a patrol vehicle when we started a pursuit after the driver tried to run over people in excess of 100 mph throughout my city (450,000+)...The chase lasted approximately 46 min. During the pursuit the suspect vehicle blew its engine and stopped. The occupants exited the vehicle right in front of me as I was coming to a stop. The passenger was standing in the middle of the street with his back to me. As we approached the area the passenger turned around and leveled a sawed off shotgun directly at me from a distance of approx 15 feet...I tried to run him over with my vehicle, but he jumped out of the way of my patrol vehicle. I slid the vehicle to a stop and exited. I then watched as the driver of the suspect vehicle and the passenger car jacked a young woman. I could not do anything about it, The driver had an automatic rifle and the passenger had the shotgun. They beat the young woman and threw her to the ground. They then fled the scene. I got back into my car and chased the suspects again. The pursuit went on and on with more and more dangerous situations involving traffic situations that are too numerous to even attempt to get into...We should/could have died 5 different times while driving alone...numerous close calls for both myself and my partner..but also for the innocent people just going about their evening...(I can't stop the movie playing!!). The suspect then had his tires popped with stop sticks and the vehicle stopped at an intersection of a freeway. Both suspects exited the vehicle. The passenger ran to a parked car waiting for the red light. I exited my car and chased the suspect on foot. He was approx 80 feet in front of me. He stopped at the lady's car waiting for the light and tried to open her driver door. I stopped and shouted for him to stop and to drop the shotgun...He turned to look at me and then focused on the lady waiting....He leveled the shotgun at her head from outside the driver door. I then fired two rounds hitting him in the head from 65 feet with a .45...The bullets forced the suspect to the rear passenger door where he then proceeded to walk directly at me with the shotgun leveled directly at me...I followed with 6 more rounds...I could see the bullets piercing his shirt and entering his chest...He dropped at the front of the car...I rapidly approached him...he moved and I shot him again through his ribcage from approx 15 feet....My partner then handcuffed the suspect....I immediately went to the lady waiting...She was lying down across the car and onto the passenger seat...She was shaking violently...it looked fake as she was shaking like I have never seen....I convinced her to unlock the door, but she could not function...I reached in the car and removed her in my arms...I carried her over to another patrol vehicle (who was now on scene) and left her with another officer from a different agency....I then ran to my partner and checked him to make sure he was not shot...After I knew he was okay I went over the curb...watched and collapsed...(the driver of the car didn't make it very far, as he tried to run onto the freeway...a state police officer stopped him and arrested him without further incident)...my guy died.
After the incident I was required to return to the scene to complete a "walk-thru" with detectives investigating the incident...I hadn't realized the lady's car, that was waiting at the light, had three bullet holes in the windshield of the car. One round was lodged in the steering wheel at the 12 o'clock position...Lawsuits follow from his family........1.5 years later I could no longer function as a police officer....I medically retired in 2004.......
2 years of weekly therapy (2x week)...Wellbutrin, lexapro, paxil, xanex, and now Zoloft. A live in treatment facility for a week...and I have been floundering around suppressing myself for all to see...while privately living a dead life. It seems as if the only feeling I have and can actually exhibit is sadness and worthlessness. Joy is temporary and quickly covered with these terrible feelings. It is usually when the fun times end and people go home...then I am stuck with only my mind and these movies that NEVER stop in my head...each and every day my mind races back to these questions:
-what if?
-why me?
-What could I have done?
-How do I regain my self?
-I just want to be normal again!!
-I just want to be a father and husband, friend and companion to those I love and adore...but I can't let myself feel anything...or I can't??? Confused and fed up......
The alcohol...the marijuana...and the prescription drugs do NOTHING....I think?? I don't know...I am so scared to go off of this Zoloft....I hate taking these pills every day...I feel so weak!
So here I am now...2011...I have a 2 year old little girl who is an absolute angel!! But I cannot maintain any type of a close relationship with my wife of 11 years. She has had it with me....There is NO violence in our home whatsoever....it is just NEVER ENDING DRAMA! I have told my wife that I have put all of this behind me...but it is an inflated balloon of B.S.! I have tried to play this off and push it out of my head because I feel as if this has gone on long enough...I am no longer a cop...I don't want to be a cop anymore...but I cannot function very well at all in normal society....Attention span is non existent...Multi-tasking is something from my past and not present in my life whatsoever...I cannot relate to people when they are going through difficult time of their own...I have absolutely NO sympathy for anybody. I guess I have the attitude that NOTHING is that bad to get upset about in comparison to what I have lived through...So I am COLD...unforgiving, emotionally numb, feeling like I don't belong anywhere, and I CANNOT control my sad emotions to the point where I physically can't stop crying for hours on end....I have hid most of that from my wife and family...Maybe it's because I feel as if the people around me have worn themselves out dealing with me...I am ashamed of what I have become. I cannot even bring myself to obtain a full time job...the thought of it scares me and I don't know how to handle it...I just avoid it altogether, and it has infuriated my wife....I love her very much...I love my family...I just can't break myself free of this.
Now what do I do?? Someone...please help me....I'm so done hurting everyday of my life! I just want to live without the nightmare....
