Numbness And Self Destruction

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, perhaps it's just a normal course of emotions, sometimes there is just so much to process, plus physical issues, too, and exhaustion.

Perhaps the 'subtler' form could just be a bit of self-sabotage , of sorts? In that, it will take years of practise to do differently, perhaps just a gnawing anxiety trying to get you to slip into old patterns? Perhaps just a bit too much at once, as they say you have to feel safe enough to feel 'badly'.

((((Hugs)))

 

[Tinyflame]

PS- Abstract the 'S" is much better for greater than 1 year, maybe more lost track. :) Thanks to 'miracles', really, but still the same end result.
Asking for help wasn't really in my repertoire of options.

Except for the worst times ('S'), it wasn't what I'd call numb. Dissociated, maybe, but different than what (I hope) you are describing.

Try to ride it out, go easy on yourself. Think the numbness may relate back to negative thoughts/ core beliefs(?)
You aren't 'making things up', as your mind may be trying to tell you.
(((((Hugs))))

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

Thanks! I think part of this stems from something I have struggled with that I still don't understand and on paper should not be possible.
After much t and journaling I started to piece together that with some stuff - essentially in certain situations when I feel threatened - I seem to "delete" the experience in some way except it is still there inside me in some way.

So something will click and all of a sudden I will "remember" or have revealed a string of experiences that I had not been aware of. They are always experiences that I find highly upsetting or distressing in some way. I can go for months journaling about my days and never "remember" any of that until it is suddenly "there" for some reason.
Don't worry if you don't understand that as it is "un-understandable".
Why I said it is that I feel afraid I am not picking up on danger around me and I have realised that feeling things is a really helpful way to recognise danger.
I feel in danger when I can't feel emotions. Like I am blinded or something.

There is a lot more to this but that gives a gist.

The other thing is that I think I fear not knowing what I feel as in the past it was a sign of not being connected to my emotions and I would express them as eating disorder behaviours instead.
I guess I just don't trust myself.

Thank you for the validation that I am not making things up. If this is denial then it feels more like self abuse.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,
So glad the 'S" is much better and that you have had something positive in your life. :)
I am sorry that asking for help was not possible. For me asking help was possible but I found it impossible! :rolleyes:

Except for the worst times ('S'), it wasn't what I'd call numb. Dissociated, maybe, but different than what (I hope) you are describing.

I have never been SU when numb at all. SU for me has always come from intense feelings and distress.
The other thing I have experience is being dissociated and therefore not having control about what I am doing as nothing feels real. I think I used to use it as a way of grounding before but also it is easy to do much more damage than intended because of disconnect. I wondered if any of that may be any similar to your stuff.

Hope you are getting support now. (((Junebug)))

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstarct, I do understand or relate to what you describe as not-understandable. I have had the same thing, can go many years without a particular memory being triggered.

I have come to the conclusion it's state -dependent, predominantly as related to specific feelings.

For example, if I have a memory that I can never recall, out of the blue, well I know it is 'true' (not a false memory), at that moment I remember it very distictly. Now, I think to myself, what did I feel then? Usually it's terror, horror, etc. Then I think, well, I guess (the particular happenings of the moment) I feel terror or horror (etc) now (I ask myself if I do). Usually, I can say, "Yes, I guess I do". So it's a sort of backwards, round-about approach. :confused:

BUt the weird thing is, I'm sure I'll never 'forget' that memory again, but as soon as the specific feelings subside I can't remember it for trying!

That makes sense to me, feeling that may put you in danger. I don't feel that specifically, because I rarely realize how much I 'stuff' or that/ if I am. But in the sense of preventing a return to an eating disorder etc, it seems prudent or wise to watch for it.

But I hope you won't be too hard on yourself!


Hope that makes sense, hard to find the words, they're coming out backwards, lol.

 

[sarah e.]

Hi…

I know the true solution requires a long time and effort. But right at that moment, it’s diffucult to supply an exit. So, here’s a solution (which may be found ridiculous… sorry if so… ) when you’re numb and unable to feel fear or worries, ready to get into a big move, run into humiliations or vulnarability or dangers others would escape all in their power… Well.. you may do it in your way. There are many situations would make you uncomfortable and at the same time serve a good cause. For example, appyling to a job you may get rejected severely, going and talking to harsh boss about calming down to people around, putting yourself in a duty you should work hard physically. I know… I know… This is also unhealthy if you don’t find other ways to back up to go through this. But, when i am numb, i know what’s wrong or right even if I have barely feelings around them. So I use what I have at the moment. I try to turn it into a power considering the limits. I mean, I intend to let this destruction to construct things better. Of course, it’s not the only case, and the solution can’t be that clear all the time. Just... An idea tries to back up.


Vouw.. I was listening to Hooverphonic, The Night Before, and I found myself here. And I don’t live a destructive life, I am not on drugs or alcohol. I don’t even smoke. It’s something else. It’s something else. You’ve gotta cover what’s right and what’s wrong more than other people.

And.. It’s ridiciolous… Because when you begin to feel… Others seem numb.

(Nope. I am not suffering from borderline. I checked that)

No big deal. It’s all ok.