When I see people like alcoholics in recovery, I envy them. Not because they have a disease and have to treat their addiction, but because they have found a label that fits, they found a place to fit in, and they KNOW when they think, act, or feel like A, B, or C, all they have to do is follow a list of steps to treat their disease.
I don't really agree with this, and I'm not saying that to criticise or challenge you. I'm saying it because I hope maybe viewing things in a slightly different way might help you.
There isn't a magic sequence of steps for anyone dealing with anything. I have a problem with alcohol and I don't fit in with AA/twelve steps at all. In a way that made me feel that I have even less help than people without that label, because I didn't fit the most obvious approach. Even for those who do, "all they have to do is follow a list of steps" is a bit too simple a way of looking at it.
I'm not trying to have a go at you. That's not my intention at all, just the opposite. I imagine what you're really saying is, that you don't know what you should do and you wish you did. You want a process to follow, a route marked out. Is that right? I think it's important not to think that other people have this and you don't, because in my view:
a) Finding your way is step number one for everyone. It's not just the first step then you're done, either. We all have to keep finding a way forward, all the time. I don't know anyone in AA who hasn't also had to seek out and do other things for their recovery. For one person it might be yoga, for another person it might be CBT. An alcoholic is not given a neat package of everything they need, and nor is anyone. You're not alone in needing to find something to help you. Other people do find things to help them (whether that's twelve steps or something else) and that means so can you.
b) If you want a label, I'm a bit confused. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts
are labels. There
are generally accepted steps for dealing with anxiety and obsessive thoughts. The most well known one (which I see as the equivalent of AA for alcoholism) is cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). Like AA, CBT helps a lot of people so it might help you. Personally I also have anxiety, and CBT doesn't help me with that any more than AA helps me with my alcohol problem. However, even though they don't help me, other things can. So if CBT doesn't help, you can find something else. In my case this is dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) and especially mindfulness practice. It sounds like you were practising mindfulness when you were washing your car.
I'm okay with following rules. I'm okay with admitting that it's something I'm doing to cause this if that's the case. I'm okay if I'm told that I'm not taking responsibility or something, but then I need to know how to change my behavior.
I can't take the anxiety sometimes. I'll be okay tomorrow. This too shall pass. I just needed to get it out.
DBT and mindfulness give strategies, skills and steps to follow, as does CBT. One reason they help me, and CBT doesn't, is that I need to work more on acceptance of my anxiety and obsessive thinking. Simply telling myself I'm causing it and need to change that, simply trying to replace things with more rational and positive thoughts, doesn't help me. I need to validate the reasons for the anxiety and negativity.
I don't know if this video is any help in explaining the balance between accepting and changing. It's Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT because of the tension between these two things. DBT was originally for people with borderline personality disorder and suicidal ideation, but the same principles and skills are now used for a much wider variety of conditions. DBT skills are all about how to cope with difficult, volatile and explosive feelings, without making yourself feel wrong for having them.
DBT really helps me, but CBT helps lots of people. If those are not for you, maybe something else is. There will be other approaches that people have used as well.
If you think CBT, DBT or anything else isn't for you, doesn't help, doesn't apply to some of your situations, or is too hard, then I think you're experiencing the same thing that many alcoholics do with the twelve steps or any other recovery programme. Just because an approach is there, that doesn't mean it's straightforward to follow it. But it can still help, and having support with it (from a therapist, supporter and/or places like this forum) can get us through.
It's not fair. It's not fair that I have to do all of this work because someone else's actions created this sickness in me. It's not fair that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix it, but the therapy I've been doing for 2 years isn't getting me anywhere.
I'm feeling like this in relation to something I need to work on outside of therapy. I've worked so hard at it and feel like nothing seems to change it and don't know what to do next. I hate it. I hate that I have to keep trying, after trying so hard for so long. All because of the life I was given. I find it really had to get past the injustice. I'm struggling with that.
I think it would be good to review your therapy, but I understand not wanting to change when you don't know what you would change to and feel you can't trust your judgement. Have you talked to your current therapist about feeling you're not getting anywhere?
