OCD Ocd? (obsessive compulsive disorder)

[kagamine]

I have a lot of hallmark symptoms of Ocd and I have since I was very young. My compulsions come and go, but they often return when I'm under stress (checking, counting, washing, repeating) I can't watch anything visually disturbing because I can't make images or distressing trains of thought leave my head, I've picked and bitten my skin as far back as I remember. And somewhere along the way I ended up with a compulsive exercise problem that evolved into an eating disorder. I feel like it's connected to my trauma, but I'm not sure if it's just ptsd symptoms or if I just had ocd from the start and it wasn't helped that I grew up in the environment I did.

All of my siblings had ways of dealing with the stress of our family growing up. Most of them ended up acting out and having anger problems and behavior problems. I never had that. I always released my stress through weird compulsions. But is that because I already had ocd or did it come from ptsd?

I don't even know where my anxiety comes from nowadays it's just all over the place. I was mostly wondering if anyone else can relate.

 

[Momofthree]

I have the same question. I have quite a few OCD habits that are stress related but its definitively a chicken/egg thing I have no clue which came first and maybe there is no way to tell. My 5 yr old son has OCD also but because he was pretty severally abused from birth to age 3 1/2 by my ex I don't know if his symptoms are something he is born with or also trauma related he doesn't seem to show any signs of having PTSD but only time will truly tell.

 

[Jane.l]

Like eating disorders I think OCD is often a way of having control and order - when things have happened or are happening that you can't control.

 

[franciemarnie]

I wonder if, at first at least, it calms down the reptilian brain. I don't have OCD, but before I was diagnosed with PTSD and my body would be revving up for the equivalent of the Apocalypse, I would inwardly repeat a certain word over and over compulsively - and it wasn't a meaningful word - just a word. It gave me a sense of control I see in retrospect.

 

[kagamine]

@Momofthree I didn't really have the traditional symptoms of ptsd until I was older, but then again trauma kept happening to me so eventually I had a lot of severe ptsd like symptoms. I guess it's just hard to tell with kids because they have different ways of dealing with trauma and some come out okay while others continue to struggle

@Jane.l I knew my ed was definitely related to control I gained during a powerless time in my life, But I never thought of my ocd that way until now. But a lot of it does make me feel safer and more in control of what happens to me. The illusion of control.

@franciemarnie I had something like that when I was really small. I had words that I repeated mentally, I felt like they kept me and my little sister safe.

 

[sun seeker]

I concur that acting out the compulsion is a way of calming the reptilian brain. There's a school of thought that OCD has nothing to do with the environment but it seems to me that's part of the psychiatric model that invalidates the effects of trauma in the interests of selling more anti-anxiety meds. Maybe in some of us there is a genetic predisposition to certain conditions, so the purely scientific model can point a finger and say, "see, it's genetic!", but it still takes life events to bring that predisposition out of the woodwork.
Like you, I have OCD symptoms only some of the time, and have come to see them as related to anxiety. When there is a lot in life that feels overwhelming and uncontrollable, the OCD symptoms are a way of attempting to gain some control and calm the sense of impending disaster. The helpful thing about realizing that is I don't feel the need to focus on the OCD as a separate condition; if I can learn to feel safer in general, I'm pretty sure the symptoms will go away. This feels true especially because the focus of the OCD changes all the time, i.e. some people have rituals they have to perform in a certain very particular way but for me the compulsion changes depending on the circumstances, so it seems like they are just a way I express anxiety rather than a separate problem. I don't know it that fits your experience or not.

 

[Hashi]

I can't relate to OCD bringing a feeling of control. Just the opposite. I can understand a compulsion might bring some feeling of control. I can't understand an obsession doing that, and OCD is driven in the first place by the obsession.

For example, lining up your clothes in the wardrobe with the hangers a perfectly equal distance apart might give a sense of control. Especially over general anxiety. Spending your day thinking that a loved one will die because your hangers aren't equal, and therefore spending each morning standing sweating and unable to walk away from the wardrobe in case they aren't quite right, even though you're already an hour late for work - that does not give much sense of being in control.

@kagamine, you've mentioned a number of compulsions or compulsive behaviour but you haven't talked about obsessions. I'm curious about that. I'm diagnosed with OCD and the way I would describe it is either "I'm anxious that...." or "I need to do X (because I can't stop thinking that....)". The obsessions are quite specific. It's not generalised anxiety or distress that a compulsive behaviour might soothe. It's being worried about X so I feel a compulsion to do something against X.

You may have these kinds of obsessions. I only mention it because you haven't said anything about that. You may have OCD but only a professional could diagnose that. Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, and if so have you talked to them about it?

 

[risingsun]

I was mostly wondering if anyone else can relate.

I can definitely relate to feeling that kind of agony. I don't engage in washing or those kind of repetitive behaviors (i.e. compulsions), although I do recheck knowing that I may have locked a door etc. when under stress.

Mine is more in my head. I know it is stress related. When I am under stress, like right now, I tend to "obsess" over small things. So I guess that would be more obsessive rather than compulsive. But, to me, they become very worrisome thoughts that will take days sometimes weeks to get through. I will obsess over pangs in my body and look them up online. So then that obsession turns into the compulsion of looking things up. I will obsess over physical features, etc. It can be so agonizing. I do have great empathy toward you. I am sorry you are experiencing this as well.

I know I have to become dedicated to meditating, mindfulness and spirituality and make it a part of my every day so that when I am under stress, I will be able to cope and my mind will not wander into the land of absolute, horrific worry. Maybe these are things you could look into . . . to help you as well, although everyone is different.

My prayers are with you. Rising Sun.



However, my father had obsessive compulsive behaviors that I observed growing up. So it is interesting that after I became traumatized, this was one of the coping mechanisms I fell back on (more the obsessing). So I guess it was a negative coping skill I picked up and used later in times of great stress.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm definitely on the obsessive side, not so much on the compulsive side. I think its wise to seek out a professional opinion. If you aren't diagnosed with OCD, I also think its important to remember that you can have symptoms of the disorder without having the full blown disorder, and that these symptoms can still affect your daily living (and even possibly require treatment). That's sort of where I stand with my obsessions. They are horrendous to deal with, but sometimes I can go for months and months without the debilitating symptoms. I don't believe I have a chemical imbalance related to depression, but I most definitely believe that I have a chemical imbalance related to anxiety and obsessions as one small dose of medication (ie PRN) is enough to snap my brain back to normal functioning. Its like I get out of whack and continue to spiral until brought back into a state of normalcy. I can't explain it, I just know what works for me.

 

[Fraser46]

I can definitely relate to OCD symptoms. When I am becoming particularly stressed or anxiety I engage in repetitive behaviour e.g. checking doors are looked, things need to be in alphabetical order etc. I also become more obsessed and upset over small things. People around me can probably see if more than I can myself. It is always a warning sign for my family and friends that when I become more obsessive I am heading from a particularly bad spell of symptoms or a meltdown. I can become particularly obsessed at work too and find filing paperwork or completely paperwork quite therapeutic. I am convinced that the repetition is calming as it allows me brain to have some sort of control.

 

[Chava]

Very little of my life is orderly and connected to compulsions. Like Hashi said, it's almost the opposite for me now. But I had weird compulsions as a kid...I remember them because they annoyed me so badly sometimes...little things like thinking a flower I saw had five petals...counting a few times, going inside, then having to outside to count the petals again just to be sure. I think it morphed into obsessing about certain interests, then into really obsessive-compulsive food and weight stuff with anorexia. Then alcohol sort of subdued all of that. By the time I got sober I didn't really have any obsessive-compulsive drives anymore, but went into a sort of work-aholic mode, not ocd-like, but just over-doing everything and exhausting my energy.

So, while I can't know if your obsessive-compulsive habits are connected to your ptsd or not, for me it was obviously a way to manage anxiety that could also just be switched for some other way to deal with my nervous system or subdue it...never really lasting OCD traits, but certainly a manifestation of anxiety or need for some kind of control. It's still weird to me how quirky it was when I was young...I don't get why counting certainty was so important...definitely OCD-ish. The traumatized part of myself might have also been trying to test reality or my sense of it. Who knows.

So part of it might be how long and consistently you've observed these patterns for yourself. It could be related to trauma and still be separate OCD. Like my trauma probably fueled my drinking, but it turned out I was destined to be a full-blown alcoholic and that had to be treated separately when it was really destroying my life.

 

[kagamine]

I do have obsessive thoughts, but that's always been the most embarrassing part. I figured out pretty young that my obsessions were weird and I felt even more alien for not being able to stop thinking them. So I mostly act out on compulsion to clean out my thoughts, I get more anxious the longer my thoughts sit there, I don't like to remember either, and when I engage in rituals my thoughts leave me alone. Most of them revolve around being dirty and a bad person, so I don't know if it's more a trauma thing.

I used to feel more in control too, I felt like if I was on top of everything than I could be safer. I also dissociated quite a bit, I was often disoriented and confused. Nobody really kept tabs on me or gave me solid rules, so I gave myself rules and punishment for not following them. I think it helped me have a sense of order that I didn't get anywhere else. Why I did that instead of turning into a wild rebel is just my personality, maybe some susceptibility to ocd genetically, because that does run in my family along with anorexia, which I also struggle with.