Off putting things your therapist does

[Scarlet13]

Ok, so I know they are human...
But, it is hard when my T does disconcerting stuff.
She is a good T and I have been seeing her for 5 yrs. My attachment to her has waned a bit just because in the past 5 mos I have been in only intermittently due to handling other medical expenses.
I am thinking about going in more full time soon.
But in therapy today, she was stroking her hair while I was talking. She then picked up her hair and smelled it all while I was talking.
I was distracted briefly by this, but she didn't miss a beat and was ready with the next question.
It was disconcerting because she seemed distracted, but was actually paying attention.
But, it was just weird and obviously I am making a big deal about it because I am sensitive when it comes to my T.
Has anyone else had any experiences like this where your T does something disconcerting or doesn't seem completely engaged? Does it impact therapy? Why or why not?
I am just hoping this is just a blip.
Thanks!

 

[piratelady]

I’m so ashamed or embarrassed in therapy that I stare at my hands or the floor nearly the entire time, so I can’t speak to those things. I will say though, her smelling her hair in the middle of therapy is a little odd in my opinion. You could reply with something like “new shampoo?” To bring it up in a non-confrontational way if it happened again I guess?

 

[blackemerald1]

“new shampoo?” To bring it up in a non-confrontational way if it happened again I guess?

^Good response! :) She probably has no idea.

I don't know if I even have a therapist anymore. I sort of lost contact. However when my therapist would come out to get me, she would stare at me for three - five seconds or more before turning to lead me back into her office. She'd do this every time I attended. Anyway eventually I asked her why she did this. She didn't know she did it but did acknowledge that she was doing it. lol.... I told her it felt like she was doing an assessment of me... She stopped doing it after that.

 

[Sideways]

Weird behavioural tics that my Ts have had? That list is as long as the list of professionals I’ve consulted (ie long)!

My first ever T had a way of using analogies or explanations that always seemed to include antelopes. Which became very weird. One of my Ts used to laugh, like a person does at their own jokes - only she did it at every other sentence, almost like a punctuation mark, and it was always really nasal. Which was distracting. One of my Ts used to take his shoes off sometimes and give his feet a rub occasionally (that was a bit gross, since he obviously spent a lot of time walking barefoot...ick).

Personally I find that kind of stuff endearing in a way. It’s a reminder that I’m speaking to someone who is as a unique an individual as I am, not a robot. I appreciate that aspect of therapy for some reason: that they’re human, and often soulful and unpredictable.

 

[grit]

It is distracting but if it happen one time, it is human interaction and maybe she had something else going on but was really trying t be there for u.
The more interesting thing about
this are:
You noticed it so you were here and now and not lost in your own issues and that is good.
And you have a certain feeling you are trying to gauge and that feeling may be significant learning for you.

 

[somerandomguy]

My T interjects "Yeah!" a lot when I'm talking. At first it really, really annoyed me, but then I realized that it was her personal way of interacting to tell me that she was listening. While I'm still not a fan, I am not about to tell a professional how to do their job, and it's not that distracting. I'd rather have her actually listening to me instead of concentrating on not saying "yeah" the whole time.

 

[Mach123]

She interrupts me. But I talk incessantly. I talk as a divergence or avoidance though. She knows that.

She also runs these weekend things that I think are really nutty. Not for women I think it's probably a good idea for women and she only does them with women now.

But she believes passionately and always tried to get me to go to one. They have phucked up rules about leaving and stuff? I just think it's so obnoxious. Strangely though I think she's so off base on that I really trust her. I really think she knows her stuff.

But the whole weekend thing? She kept bringing it up and I made her knock it off finally. I was a difficult patient on purpose I guess (self harm) and she would laugh and say "I love the way you come in here and argue with me."

But I made a decision when I met her. She would say "why me what if it doesn't work or what if you change your mind and decide you can't work with me?" I don't remember how she said it.

I said "No, it's you or it's over, no more therapists." So I overlook her stuff because I want it to work. It does. It has. I had to make an effort though.

 

[Scarlet13]

That is funny!

My first ever T had a way of using analogies or explanations that always seemed to include antelopes.

This really helps-

Personally I find that kind of stuff endearing in a way. It’s a reminder that I’m speaking to someone who is as a unique an individual as I am, not a robot. I appreciate that aspect of therapy for some reason: that they’re human, and often soulful and unpredictable.

I am struggling with this small thing more than I want to.
I feel really bad when she does a somewhat unprofessional thing. Like the time she was chewing gum (subtly, but still) in session and I was talking about my SI. We talked about that one.
This hair thing feels the same, but it seemed really a subtle almost unconscience act, women can just twiddle with their hair.
I just felt like, "Am I boring you?" And it kinda killed the session.
I am wondering if I need to find a new T, so that is why I came here to get some perspective on it.
I dont know if I can bring it up and not sound petty and unhappy with her.
"Do you remember how you were smelling your hair? Like 3 weeks ago?"
Yep, I'm that patient. The walk on egg shells patient.

 

[Scarlet13]

I said "No, it's you or it's over, no more therapists." So I overlook her stuff because I want it to work. It does. It has. I had to make an effort though.

This is where I'd like to be.
To try to make it work.
She's a good T.
I hate intakes (blah! Me expressing disgust over annoying intakes.)
I have had many Ts that would not work and were shitty.
I dont want to start over and retell ALL of my trauma stories, especially the worst ones.
I have anxious avoidance issues and try to quit EVERYTHING.
I do have a modicum of trust for her.

 

[blackemerald1]

This is where I'd like to be.
To try to make it work.
She's a good T.

^Well since you really do value her, I reckon you could ask if you could indulge in a discussion on body language and how it affects you and her in different social and private scenarios. It's something that is relevant to you and the way you think and feel and probably not just her, all people. If you notice this in one person odds are good you would notice this in others?
It could be really interesting and even humorous. Maybe the opportunity will come up to mention her hair twirling/smelling lol.

I've got a relative that twirls her long fringe and it really intrigues me. I've asked her why she does it and she has mentioned she does it mostly when she is very stressed and tired. I can become completely distracted by it as she winds it tighter and tighter...

I think I do stupid stuff with my hair too. For instance, when I am getting serious about something or am recalibrating myself to focus more intently, I tie my hair up in a bun! I have no idea where that little habit came from but it is body language.

I don't think it necessarily has to be a deeply serious topic of discussion.

 

[Sideways]

I just felt like, "Am I boring you?" And it kinda killed the session.

Yeah, mind reading. Cognitive distortion.

Remember that avoidance is one of the core symptoms of ptsd. It plays out in a lot of ways, but our brains finding ways to avoid therapy? Super super common.

Why would twiddling her hair be a sign of boredom? As opposed to something she just does unconsciously, or when she’s concentrating (like I stick my tongue out when I’m concentrating!), or when she’s mulling over what you’ve told her, or...

CBT that stuff. Your brain has gone straight to: here’s another reason to avoid therapy and not trust this lady - she’s twiddling her hair!

Every single person on the planet has tics like this. Jumping to “she’s bored”, then “I need a new T”? Nup. You don’t. And the longer you stick with this one, the more normal it will become for your brain to not instinctively find reasons to jump ship.

 

[hithere]

that always seemed to include antelopes. Which became very weird.

I have no idea why but this cracked me up. It does sound a bit strange. haha. Sorry just to had comment on the antelopes..;