Ok, I have to leave...

[abbynormal1929]

So I know I can't stay with my wife, despite my anxiety about my son. Last night she was in a good mood, and kept (almost manically) presenting rediculous hypothetical situations (like would I let someone cut off her toe for a billion dollars, or if someone was threatening her life unless I had a threesome with 2 of my friends what would I do, and which friends would I choose). She would say I had no sense of humor if I wouldn't answer, and If I did answer and gave the wrong answer she would get a little mad, or if I gave an answer that was embarrassing to me she would laugh. Then she said this is just how women joke. Point is there was no way I could some out of it feeling good. I also never thought I'd be in a position where I would be afraid to tell my wife that I got our son vaccinated, most people would see that as a pretty responsible thing to do. If I talk about getting any job that isn't a nurse assistant, or custodian, or dishwasher, or one that required even a little additional education it seems like she gets mad and says "that's not what wee agreed on." It just so happens I have an interview for a mental health counseling position, for which I already have the education, and I'm afraid to even tell her I have the interview. It would be a significant amount more money, but it's "not what we agreed on". I can't feel good, be myself, and be with her. I can't stay. I just still don't know how to leave. I mean I can go to the closest domestic violence center, which I've been before, and they can help get the divorce and custody stuff started. I just don't know how to handle the actual moment that I leave. Any way feel free to comment, no biggie if not.

abbynormal1929

 

[Kubash16]

I am so sorry :hug: divorce is hard. But I am so proud of you for recognizing things and getting the guts to stand up for yourself and your kiddo which is what leaving is doing. I’ll pray you land that job, you deserve it!!

 

[Freida]

. I mean I can go to the closest domestic violence center, which I've been before, and they can help get the divorce and custody stuff started

This. Go here to figure out how to make that step. These are the people who can give you the been there/done that advice.

Personally? I think you are making the best choice. You can't save people who don't want to be saved

 

[somerandomguy]

Then she said this is just how women joke.

She is lying. That is how SHE jokes. And it isn't funny.

I can't feel good, be myself, and be with her. I can't stay.

No, you can't.

Please, leave today, this minute, and go to the shelter.

Your clothes, your things, everything else can be replaced. YOU cannot. Just leave. Everything else, including time with your son, can be worked out later.

 

[scout86]

I don't know.... I'm a woman and I don't find any of that funny. If I was your kid, I'm pretty sure I'd want to go with you when you leave. But, leave.

A couple of divorce related things..... It's helpful to get a PO box while you still have an address. Also a credit card in your name, because that will be harder once you don't have an address. (They care how long you've lived where you live.) Also, your own checking account. I'm not saying to clean out the joint account. Depending on where you live, half the money in a joint account is probably yours, but get your own account, in a different bank, and deposit your pay checks there. Money is a good thing to have access to!

Divorce isn't any fun, but you might be surprised to find out how good freedom can feel. Good luck!

 

[bellbird]

I can't feel good, be myself, and be with her. I can't stay.

Definitely time to leave.

I also never thought I'd be in a position where I would be afraid to tell my wife that I got our son vaccinated, most people would see that as a pretty responsible thing to do.

Yeah, this and other things you note in your post bring me right back to my abusive relationship.

This is not a healthy environment.
Not at all.

And yes -- getting your son vaccinated is a very responsible thing to do.

I just don't know how to handle the actual moment that I leave.

I can go to the closest domestic violence center, which I've been before, and they can help get the divorce and custody stuff started.

Start there.

The folks who've commented on this thread before me have given some good advice, too.

We will support you through this as best we can.
I wasn't married. But leaving my abusive relationship was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

 

[Teasel]

I just don't know how to handle the actual moment that I leave.

Maybe start to brainstorm on it, get your thoughts out on paper, might help you see a little more clearly exactly what you need to do or what you need to figure out or what you need help with figuring out.

And great that the local place can help you, maybe they can give some tips on how to go about leaving too?

Have you read lundy Bancroft? Has helpful info on leaving from what I remember. Also helps remind me why I want to leave.
Best to you

 

[Teasel]

Is it what to say to her that bothers you most? Or which order to do things for the best?

 

[mumstheword]

It takes an awful lot of courage to do what you know you need to do, but many, many, of us, have been through this, and NEVER live a day of regret for doing it, even though it is very, very difficult.

Instead there are numerable reminders and moments of "I'm SO GLAD I'm not there anymore!"

It also models to your kid that you value yourself enough to be true to yourself and act from there. That is a extremely empowering example to give your child. In the long run, that is a gift that keeps on giving to your kiddo.
What you will be doing, is modelling healthy and appropriate boundaries and self respect and self care.

Also, that freedom is worth risking all kinds of dangerous situations.

My youngest son (13) asked me "What would you rather? Freedom or safety?" I answered, without hesitation "Freedom" Safety is never a guarantee, anyway, but freedom is worth fighting for.

Yes, you are contemplating something risky, but nothing of value was ever gained without risks.

I did the refuge thing, and before that, I was homeless. I took my youngest daughter to the refuge, but had to leave most of my children behind. It was the hardest thing, I think I've ever done. But today, 9 years on, I KNOW I did the right thing and I can see that my whole family actually benefitted from me doing what I had to, to survive, and to have a chance to thrive.
I wish I had been in a position to take all my children (many who were teens, and a couple were already young adults) with me (I have 7) but, regardless, I did the best I l could, in a terrible situation, and I can live with it.
Especially as I am now in a healthy relationship and experience contentment and security everyday, through it. I model that for my kid's and that's, just about, the best thing that I can do for them.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I can go stay with my mom, though it wouldn't be optimal for my current work situation/job training situation. The domestic violence place close by doesn't have a shelter, it would just be to get divorce and custody stuff started. There are friends that I could stay with that are a bit closer, but it would probably just be a place to stay an night here and there rather than a living situation (though they might let me live ther a bit if I could pay rent). I have some really good people closer by that I could ask, but those people, as good as they are, I don't know as well. My eitire side of the family lives in MA, the next state down. like an hour and 15 minute drive or so, but still in another state. I can't live with my son in another state unless my wife agrees to it, which she might. She had a very bad experience in court durring her divorce from her abusive x, so she desperately doesn't want to have to go to court again. Still I don't know what she'll do or say when she's desperate. When I say I don't know how to do it I'm refering more to what to say to her. I have a huge amount of anxiety over confrontation. As much as I'd like to just go, I'd have to say something. For whatever time (i hear 11 days is average) before a custody arrangement could be reached, I would miss my son so much. I miss him even when I'm just at work.

Any way, thanks for everyone's support

abbynormal1929

 

[somerandomguy]

Don't say anything to her. Just go. Stay with anyone - just get out.

 

[Fadeaway]

Not knowing your story I read this with an open mind. The jokes I thought could be a combination of her being insecure with a morbid sense of humor along with your perception. When you combine everything though it paints a more problematic situation.

I am a reformed anti-vaxxer because that was how I was raised. I understand the religiously dogmatic mindset one has to take, but that was 20+ years ago before all the research on the safety was done. (Still a stubborn hold out on the flu vaccine lol) Good for you for getting your son vaccinated, and sympathy for dealing with the kind of mindset. It IS dangerous.