On convincing myself that my perpetrators are human beings

[HealingInProcess]

I don't particularly feel like I'm in a rush to get to this point but I do feel that I am telling myself (and maybe the Lord is prodding me along) that at some point I need to be open to seeing that the people who have abused me are human beings. I actually think this is a step before forgiveness at least for me. Dehumanization can work both ways and as a victim it's very easy to see how I was dehumanized but I have also dehumanized my perpetrators. Part of me wonders why actually I do dehumanize them. Is it impossible for me to comprehend a person is capable of such evil? I can look at myself and my own heart and see the evil in me but I excuse myself and not them.

This isn't to say what they did wasn't horrible and worthy of punishment. It was and is (although I pray the Lord forgives them). I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about being able to simply state that the persons that did these things to me are also people and not animals or caricatures. I can't yet emotionally accept that they are made in the image of God because it just pollutes my feelings about God but I'm hoping I can see that they are people and just as I am weak so too are they. When pain is personal it's hard to get past the pain and notions of injustice to seeing the reality. So much of this journey is felt as opposed to thought through. I'm working on feeling but it's not easy.

Anyways just wanted to share that with everyone and see if anyone has any thoughts.

 

[somerandomguy]

There is absolutely no reason to forgive your perps if you don't want to. The only reason to do so is to help yourself.

Whether a person who commits evil acts is evil or not and by their actions has forfeited their humanity or not is also a personal judgment. I am inclined to see my own perp as both human AND evil, but some some people here have stories that lead me to question whether their perps were actually human.

 

[Friday]

People are complicated. Black and white thinking is much simpler. Usually wrong, but simpler.

 

[Friday]

Here’s a question for you.... If any of these people had every single trait or characteristic you admire, can you reconcile they could still be a rapist, murderer, child abuser, etc.? Or even one trait you admire? And can you still rightly despise the terrible without also despising the good? And without mixing up what is terrible and what is good?

- 1,000 good traits not outweighing or justifying the 1 bad act
- 1 bad act not contaminating ANY the 1,000 good traits

Say you admire quick witted funny people.
Your abuser is quick witted and funny.
NOT excusing the abuse because they’re quick witted and funny.
NOT seeing abuse IN being quick witted and funny.
NOT casting other quick witted funny people as abusers.

Black and white thinking is usually wrong, but it can also be protective. Especially for people who are prone to forming connections where none belong.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Here’s a question for you.... If any of these people had every single trait or characteristic you admire, can you reconcile they could still be a rapist, murderer, child abuser, etc.? Or even one trait you admire? And can you still rightly despise the terrible without also despising the good? And without mixing up what is terrible and what is good?

- 1,000 good traits not outweighing or justifying the 1 bad act
- 1 bad act not contaminating ANY the 1,000 good traits

Say you admire quick witted funny people.
Your abuser is quick witted and funny.
NOT excusing the abuse because they’re quick witted and funny.
NOT seeing abuse IN being quick witted and funny.
NOT casting other quick witted funny people as abusers.

Black and white thinking is usually wrong, but it can also be protective. Especially for people who are prone to forming connections where none belong.

I think this is a great point. I believe we have a tendency toward simplicity and we love to make idols of people and that's a very dangerous combination that can excuse much wrong because we are selective in the things we want to recognize in a person.

Taking this in a little different direction it also exposes our limited and self-interested worldview. I want to like a pop star because I like his or her music and so I discount all negative things I hear about him or her no matter how much they are corroborated or how bad they are. I think we all have some examples that come to mind here.

In response to some random guy I differ from you in that I see things through a Christian lens that requires me to forgive (not forget or discount or necessarily even reconcile but forgive). That can take time, may be a lifetime but I know that is where I need to get to even if I'm not there. As far as whether these people are human you raise an interesting point as I do believe in spiritual realities and demonic possession so in a sense our perpetrators may not have been "human" while doing the deed because they were possessed.

 

[Freida]

Why would you want to?
Yep -- I'm all about the black and white on this
They aren't human.
None of the perps on this site are.
Good deeds do not cross out bad ones
I don't care if they cured cancer and brought peace on earth. If they are raping babies they are not human
There is no humanity in evil

I have a dear friend who is a christian missionary and one day I kind of went off on her about this concept that we are all made in gods image and we all have free will and blah blah. She is trying (sooo much trying! :) )to get me to understand it's not quite that simple.

So she asked me to look at it like this..
They are not human
They are demons in human suits.

That made sense.

 

[Ronin]

They are demons in human suits.

(Hey, from someone who might be inclined to believe in actual demons, so not a disbelief there talking) I think there are so many issues with this approach though...

Included that it absolves them of blame.
(And that is not even starting what kind of utter mess it means in justice and lack of it and would be vigilante rights in communities that trace of thought is taken as more than a belief, and a grounds for legal action. It completely undermines justice, instead of aiding it.)

 

[HealingInProcess]

I admit even as a Christian I don't completely get it but my understanding is we make a choice by allowing the demon to act through us or not. This is all complicated because some people are more susceptible due to involvement in the occult by them or their ancestors before them and there are a variety of mitigating factors.

In terms of justice I believe any human justice is imperfect at best in terms of deterrence, punishment or rehabilitation. This world is fallen and I think sexual perversion in particular, especially with incest, has been on the rise over the last half century or so. This incest stuff is big in pornography and subtly shifts the mindset of all those who watch it to making incest more acceptable. And pop culture has been making this more acceptable as well. Things are degrading in our culture in a lot of different areas.

I will say I believe the people who abused me are human beings like I am. I think many of them also suffered abuse as well. There are also those who can be threatened into doing this stuff. It's complicated. It doesn't make what they did right though.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe you can put forgiveness on ice until you have worked though all your feelings and the trauma? That still respects your beliefs. I have read that rushing forgiveness can mean we stop processing what we really need to process. Many of us can't connect to anger (other than at ourselves) and need to process it to heal. Forgiveness and the opportunity to do so isn;t going to go anywhere.

Do you think seeing them as other than human is a way of trying to separate yourself from them. Its really hard to imagine the awfulness of someone wanting and doing horrific acts if we are not sick in the way these people are. But I think imagining them as separate to the world can stop us from protecting ourselves. It is possible for people to look and be in many ways "normal" seeming and even very engaging whilst still being very impaired and brutal. The two can coexist. I think thats one of the main reasons the outside world usually doesn't believe it when people they know are accused. They can't accept both faces exist and expect a walking talking caricature of a monster.

Have you looked at what forgiveness really is and means? It doesn't mean that you can't still condemn the act and what it has done to you.

 

[blackemerald1]

Have you looked at what forgiveness is/means? Is it not more about yourself rather than the other? The true meaning.. not the popular modern meaning? If you are referring to the old meaning which maybe you are - then you will need to be in a very stable and truly reconciled place mentally and emotionally. That is rare.

I don't think the world is heading into some particularly morally reprehensibly terrible period. So I disagree.

I don't think you can really compare what's going on now to say 150 years ago and really think our behaviour is as humans is much better or worse. The time's, they don't compare. And it's not all about porn and incest imho !

 

[freebird]

I agree with @Ronin and @blackemerald1. My opinion: What your abusers did to you is called murder. Soul murder.

Do not trust your abusers. It isn't about demons or anything like that. It is about PROTECTING YOURSELF from more soul murder. I hope you will find more comfort knowing also that God would want you to be happy, therefore, he wants you to be safe, protected, and loved.

Have you looked at what forgiveness is/means? The true meaning.. not the popular modern meaning? If you are referring to the old meaning which maybe you are - then you will need to be in a very stable and truly reconciled place mentally and emotionally. That is rare.

^^^^This times infinity!! Forgiveness is about you. Not them. It's about putting your needs first and letting them go. It is the right/difficult path.

The idea of the devil and demons is a scapegoat for irresponsible people to put blame on something so they don't have to take responsibility for the evil they have committed. "Demon possession" has been debunked so many times. It is medieval.

 

[Freida]

My opinion: What your abusers did to you is called murder. Soul murder

Love this phrase!!