Trusting other human beings

[ILoveLife]

Sorry, was out of sorts yesterday. Now I'm better, can reply properly.

what is stopping you in trusting others since you already know how to connect with others?

Apparently I think you and others might be right here and it's lack of trust in myself.

What is your internal dialogue that convinces you to step back or put up a happy/extroverted or mask?

Depending on the person and the situation. Like, casual neighbour relationships? Cashiers? Waitresses? I'm ok with being there talking and they know my name and things like that, I have no issue.
Other people? Meeting people and making friends? Terrifies the hell out of me.

do you trust yourself? why not?

Ha, just want to point out before I answer the conclusion you jumped that I don't trust myself. I really don't, you're right, but it was funny to note.
Erm.. all the mental health diagnoses and my own behaviors of the past.

I don’t need to trust someone to interact with them, but I do need to have interacted with them a lot before I will trust them.

This makes a lot of sense.
I think I mean trusting in the sense of... I know this person is not going to harm me if I say hello.

You know people and they know you but you do not go deeper or more importantly you do not show depth. so everybody stays up here with you just as deep as you are willing and you are recognizing that there is a hold.

Yikes, don't hurt me baby. But yeah, pretty much.

but you are hitting a wall of vulnerability.

True. Terrifying isn't it?

If I cannot trust myself to handle the situation in front of me? I don’t engage.

What if the not trusting myself is not in tune with my actual self? Lack of confidence more than lack of trust for oneself?

I felt betrayed, hurt and it caused me not to trust again but I realized that trust is the foundation of every relationship.

This is also a part of it...

Did you mean introverted siertz or extroverted?

I kinda mean both. I think there are few people who are absolutes with this issue, we're all a bit of both.

Darn. I'm afraid I often just want my desert island and my coconuts.

Haha, yeaaaaaaaaaaaah! Let's go, abstract :)

 

[Friday]

What if the not trusting myself is not in tune with my actual self? Lack of confidence more than lack of trust for oneself?

I’m about to cheat outrageously, here ;)

This >>> Does Anyone Use Competence As Part Of Their Therapy?

 

[ILoveLife]

I’m about to cheat outrageously, here ;)

That's actually not cheating, if it's helpful to study on - not copy :D

Ok, competent skills and self-critical analysis. Need to think on this. :)

ETA: someone on that thread mentioned Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - and holy carl, I only take care of my physiological needs (that's what I think self-care is all about, which is weiiiiiiiiiiiiiird).

 

[Abstract]

What are your underlying thoughts or mindsets that underpin this do you think Sietz? We usually have a few beliefs propping it up. When you mention confidence do you have a sense of what means in this context?

 

[ILoveLife]

What are your underlying thoughts or mindsets that underpin this do you think Sietz?

All negative core beliefs pop up.
"I'm undeserving", "I'm disgusting", "I'm unlovable", etc.
I'm working on those, but I figured the next step would be actually making some sort of move towards not just the intellectualization of them, but proof they aren't accurate.

When you mention confidence do you have a sense of what means in this context?

Yes, I do.
I used to be so confident and okay with myself, it was great actually, all the stuff didn't bring me down. The dealing with the stuff and admitting to myself they actually happened brought me down, then that confidence vanished. Clear reasons why (psychosis, ptsd crap and loads of anxiety).

 

[Abstract]

"I'm undeserving", "I'm disgusting", "I'm unlovable", etc.

Hi! : ) The way I deal with beliefs like these in general in terms of trying to life regardless is the way I deal with quite a lot of stuff. I just accept that its likely a symptom of the trauma and ptsd. I don't have to "listen" to it when making decisions as its a symptom. Agreed with your previous thought that it may be helped by actually engaging with someone.

Clear reasons why (psychosis, ptsd crap and loads of anxiety)

Is this partly shame about mental health? Do you accept that these are possible normal consequences to not normal experiences and these were not your fault? Is it that you think others will be put off because of these. How good are you at letting others make their own minds up on what they do and dont want in their lives.

 

[ILoveLife]

Is this partly shame about mental health?

Possibly. Intellectually I find it all "normal", so to speak. I'm very open to others' issues, most people around me have had some sort of mental issue and me and (generally) other people are okay with that, so I don't know.
I was very humiliated by myself and others during these issues occurring and the shame that brought is possibly bigger and more out of tune with my present reality than I give it credit for on most days, when my "Everything is/was/always will be fine with me" mask is up.

Do you accept that these are possible normal consequences to not normal experiences and these were not your fault?

Sort of. Like I said above, and also I do put a lot of pressure on myself to not disturb anyone with my issues, keep it all to myself and not create waves around my problems, however tiny they may be.

Is it that you think others will be put off because of these.

I have a very complicated past, continuous trauma since birth and issues with addiction since my teens. It's fairly normal when a relationship of any kind is in it's beginning to go over the highlights of our pasts, at least culturally here, and I always feel like I'm lying and hiding this huge thing because I don't think it's fair for me that people might judge me by my past and not how I'm handling everything in my life right now. That may be a distortion - immediately assuming that people will judge my past and not see me on the present - but it's something that has happened before that deeply hurt me.

How good are you at letting others make their own minds up on what they do and dont want in their lives.

I'm good at it, really. I've had weird and good reactions and some bad, but the bad were mostly by people I knew immediately from those reactions I didn't want them in my life anyway and in that case. So I think I'm fairly good at accepting that, just afraid of being continuously alone and isolated due to it.

 

[zombycat]

I always feel like I'm lying and hiding this huge thing because I don't think it's fair for me that people might judge me by my past and not how I'm handling everything in my life right now.

There's another way to look at this. I'm not advocating full disclosure to strangers or anything, but dropping the smoke screen is a sure fire way to weed out the people who aren't willing or able to accept you as you are before they get close enough to break your heart. There is a certain freedom that comes with bald-faced honesty. It's scary as hell though, so no judgement if it's not something you'd be comfortable with.

 

[Friday]

There's another way to look at this. I'm not advocating full disclosure to strangers or anything, but dropping the smoke screen is a sure fire way to weed out the people who aren't willing or able to accept you as you are before they get close enough to break your heart.

I can’t agree more strongly, with this.

It’s rare I get into a truly DGAF mood... each and every single time I have, though? I’ve ended up with my best and closest friends.

It’s not dissimilar to the floodgates of resources that open up when one is well and truly desperate... compared to the trickle at best, and ongoing frustration, of attempting to do near anything quietly, reasonably, responsibly.

In both cases, IME, it’s the knowing. When other people know what’s going on it allows them to choose to align themselves or take something (or someone ;)) on.

Also much like how people come together on Snow Days... talking to strangers, helping out with problems they’d have walked by any other day, etc. When the “rules” are mentally set aside, even just by a small degree like snow sending people walking instead of driving, interactions change. People open up. Laughter is easier. Shoulders are thrown into pushing stuck cars. Invitations are proffered and accepted without strings attached. Just by such a simple thing as snow, walls are imperceptibly lowered, with huge result.

Not saying it’s the only or even best option... just a very fast option, as people self select themselves into you life, or out, right from the gate.

 

[zombycat]

people self select themselves into you life, or out, right from the gate.

Yes, this! I love the way you worded it.

 

[ILoveLife]

@zombycat and @Friday - That was my previous approach and it worked well for me.
Previous T got into my head that it was the wrong approach and I grew fearful of it.
Just realized it was just another of her mishaps and not something to be taken seriously.

Thank you so much for the reminder to just be myself :)