Relationship On The Brink Of A Breakup - Landmines Everywhere

[Litha]

I'm so close to breaking up with my partner.

I'm so tired from stepping on her landmines all the times. She gets triggered. I feel badly when I trigger her. I'm exhausted from trying to avoid the landmines. So exhausted.

I asked her to consider couples therapy a few days ago. I haven't heard anything. We don't live together. We both go to individual therapy. Silent treatment for the last 3 days.

She was abused in high school by her alcoholic mother. The abuse was so bad she's almost died a few times, but didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to go into foster care.

I'm at my wit's end. We haven't even kissed in 5 months (just pecks) never mind sex.

Everything is an issue; she's so tense all the time and has so many boundaries that I'm expect to understand and not cross. I do understand and I have plenty of compassion (that's why I've stuck around).

I'm just tired of feeling bad and missing physical intimacy so much. I watched some people making out on TV the other day and felt so so sad, like, "I can't continue in a relationship with no kissing." We've been together almost 2 years.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry, @Litha.

I was unable to have sex with my husband for three years after this crap hit me and I got diagnosed. All of a sudden I would have flashbacks if we tried to be intimate. It was horrible. I felt so bad for him and yet I could not bear going through the flashbacks.

Finally, one day we discovered that if I had a couple glasses of wine, I could have sex without the flashbacks. I've talked about this with all my therapists, and they say, whatever works, go for it.

Perhaps she would be willing to try this?

Sending :hug:s

P.S. We use Merlot or Pinot Noir.

 

[Friday]

Those are things that would be dealbreakers in a relationship for me, also. Either of them, singularly. Much less both of them together.

 

[feetfirst]

I'm so tired from stepping on her landmines all the times. She gets triggered. I feel badly when I trigger her. I'm exhausted from trying to avoid the landmines. So exhausted.
Everything is an issue; she's so tense all the time and has so many boundaries that I'm expect to understand and not cross. I do understand and I have plenty of compassion (that's why I've stuck around).

@Litha I feel your pain. I'm going through it too.

On top of cPTSD, S is also dealing with cancer and chemo, which makes it all MUCH worse. It feels like everything's an issue. He doesn't want me to have expectations of him, yet he has a long list of expectations/boundaries for me that he doesn't seem to see as expectations. Trying to carefully censor every word and not trigger him is completely exhausting.

It's easy to think he's the only one with issues, but I'm not much better than him. We both care too much about the other's feelings, which makes us insecure and respond in unhealthy ways. S is not to blame for my exhaustion. My exhaustion is my issue, resulting from not taking care of myself and not being detached enough. I'm really taking a hard look at my behavior and issues. I'm considering going to Al-Anon to help me stay focused on myself and my stuff and detach with love.

Unlike you, I have no desire to leave S. I am, however, becoming less resistant to an idea he raises when he's triggered that we take a good bit of time apart until he's more stable and cancer free. He regularly takes a few hours to couple of weeks (we don't live together either) when he gets too triggered to deal with me (or anyone). If we didn't have such strong love and connection, he wouldn't care as much and I wouldn't trigger him left and right. As much as I don't want an extended away period, I'm beginning to see how useful it might be for each of us to have the time and space to focus on getting to a better place.

 

[Litha]

I see now, looking back at my posts, that I posted in July, in October, and now, around Thanksgiving, and things have taken a turn for the worse again. The cycle continues.

Accusations that I am being passive aggressive.
Accusations that I am laughing at her and then an impression of me "cackling like a hyena".

These accusations are so shocking to me and so far beyond what I was feeling during the event/conversation, that I've begun to shut down. It reminds me of my own irrational, sensitive mother, who likely had a touch of BPD. I placated her for years growing up and I have to stop doing that in order to preserve my own sense of self esteem.

She was abused terribly, but I have to let go. It's taking a toll on me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You are allowed to have boundaries and expectations too. If you do not, as the supporter in a PTSD relationship, you will be an instant doormat.

Your needs and feelings are just as valid as hers are, even if you are the "healthy" one.

You can be supportive and sensitive, but you don't have to let her rip you a new asshole every time she feels like it. You are allowed to have that boundary. "I will not tolerate verbal abuse. If she chooses to yell/ lash out/call names, I will not stick around to listen to it." Boundaries are "I" statements, because you cannot control anybody's behavior but your own. YOU set the boundary. It is up to her to respect it or not. She does not get a say in your boundary.

You have to consistently enforce your boundary when she violates it. If she starts in on you, you need to shut it down immediately and walk away. She can say what she wants but you do not have to listen to her spew bile. "I love you, but I will not be a target of lashing out. Contact me when you want to talk".... then remove yourself from the situation. Leave the room. Hang up the phone. Do not escalate, do not participate.

 

[Litha]

@Sweetpea76 , thank you for your comments.

One of the problems is this-- she doesn't lash out, she doesn't call me names. Most of the time, she says, "Can we talk about something? I feel like you were really passive aggressive when you said..." Or, "it seemed like you were laughing at me. That was really harsh" and then the impression of me laughing.

So she's trying to be nice and bring things up gently, but her interpretations of what actually happened are so surprising to me. I sit there thinking in my head, "Wow. You're seriously mad about that?" and "Wow. How did you get any aggression in my tone just then? That was one of the most innocent things I've ever said."

So, what do I do? Tell her to leave/or I'm going to leave when she says something ridiculous? I hate to be the person who says, "Stop being so sensitive" because that's kind of mean. But seriously-- stop being so sensitive!

I've heard some relationship advice go along these lines: "Even if you think the other one is wrong, always apologize." But I've gotten sick of apologizing when I think the complaint is unwarranted. It makes me feel like a doormat. I watched my step-dad turn into a doormat around my mother. Ugh.

Anyway, I asked her to go to counseling with me again today. She originally refused because she doesn't want to stir up the abuse with anyone besides her own counselor. I asked her today to reconsider.

 

[qwyoey]

Honestly from your description it sounds like she is bringing things up in a good way. You may be shocked, but you aren't forced to apologize. You should however try acknowledging that you understand she feels this way. Aside from trauma, you both could maybe use some regular old help with how to resolve conflict maybe. People without trama need this too! :) I highly recommend John Gottman's books. If you are really serious about making things work, they are a great read. And maybe since she's not ready to do therapy together, you can still do some of the exercises in the back of the book.

Question to ponder perhaps- Do you understand why she thinks you are passive aggressive and what her fears are?

Maybe if you are both too triggered to start these conversations in person, you could ask her to bring things up in written form.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I always tell my sufferer he doesn't get to tell me what my feelings and intentions are. A lot of time he thinks there is aggression, hidden meaning, snark, attitude... what have you, when there is not.

He wouldn't appreciate it if I did it to him.

That's just a topic for a calm discussion when everybody is already in a good place.

 

[Litha]

We haven't had a lot of contact this past week and it feels good actually. Some time to cool off for both of us. I've really spent a lot of time just listening to myself and getting clear on what my needs are. I've been co-dependent for a long time, in this relationship and the 9-year one that broke up years ago. It feels really good to be so in touch with myself. I had therapy today and my therapist said I was doing actually really well. That even though my relationship is struggling, I'm doing a good job asserting my boundaries by asking to go to couples therapy with her. We talked about how I can see our whole dynamic playing out, like watching a movie, and even though I still feel enmeshed in it, it's a good thing to have insight.

So, lo and behold, I got a text yesterday that said, "Yes, definitely. Therapy is a good idea." Whew. The thing is ... I'm at the point where I'm okay with letting go. I think that's a good place to be in. I can use my head as well as my heart.

It's nice to chat here.

 

[Litha]

She contacted a couples therapist and we agreed on how much each of us could pay. This is good news!

She also told me she was in a funk that night, because of her mom...

This has happened before. My partner gets really weird and sensitive with me and then I find out later her drunk abusive mom has been calling her, begging for help, drinking herself away in a hotel room. This time her mom was in the hospital again with a head injury from falling down drunk.

It's kind of like my partner needs to be less codependent regarding her mother and I need to be less codependent with my partner! I have C-PTSD from my own mom's emotional manipulation and my partner suffers terribly with this contact with the woman who beat her. Just painful all around.

So hopefully in therapy we can talk about this stuff, how to cope better. We could turn all of this into empathy for each other instead of triggering each other. That's what I'm hoping.