Dear everyone,
I haven't posted much in this forum, mostly just read posts.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the subject matter as well as by all the struggling and hardship others go through.
Anyway, I am a 30-year old woman with C-PTSD. Multiple traumas, mostly misc sexual abuse.
I have recovered with leaps and bounds over the last two months and I hit my first relapse the other day.
Now, this recovery of mine feels a bit phony in a sense, because I decided not to be "sick" anymore.
I discovered that therapy only made me feel yet more traumatized, due to lack of understanding and knowledge of C-PTSD.
I felt tired of being the one to explain my emotions and needs and have doctors and therapists just giving me all the wrong answers.
I was more or less taught by these professionals that the only common denominator of my traumas was me, ergo the problem was me.
This is very upsetting, especially as traumas trace back to childhood.
Anyway, I've had serious relapse of symptoms... and I feel overwhelmed and weak.
I mourn my recently rediscovered lust for life and courage. It is so easily broken.
Having these positive and lovely feelings of freedom and hope, if only for a couple of weeks, was almost painful because I had forgotten how wonderful life can be!
And now I don't know if I can risk it anymore, because of the pain of relapse.
I know I have to be brave and strong, but at the same time I'm so tired.
A few days ago my twinbrother told me that he had been seriosly beat up by a bouncer at a night club in July.
It goes without saying that being twins doesn't make it easier to relate to bad news like this!
I'm almost happy that we don't live in the same city, so I can't follow my scewed instincts and move in with him and take care of him and take control of the trial process and the hearings and finding a good lawyer and bla bla bla.
I do see that what I wold be prepared to do for him is what I've done to survive myself in the aftermath of my own traumas... and I also realize that nobody was there helping me.
I feel drained.
All the fear and despair came flooding back... it only took one phone conversation with my brother and I'm back in the murky darkness.
The worst is the embarrasement... I feel like I've been too optimistic and that this recent trauma of my brother is a reminder that I'm not safe and that soon I'll have my next rape or something of the sort.
I know intellectually it's not true, it doesn't work that way....but my C-PTSD is telling me to stay allied with the illness so that the next trauma won't surprise me...
I apologize for the ranting in this section.
I guess I could've written a more light-hearted intoduction where I tell you that I like dogs and movies and the colour blue.
But this is where I am right now and the one thing I can do is to be honest and reach out for some support.
So, please, write a reply...anything really, just let me know that I'm visible.
Thank you for reading.
All the best.
Lisa.
I haven't posted much in this forum, mostly just read posts.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the subject matter as well as by all the struggling and hardship others go through.
Anyway, I am a 30-year old woman with C-PTSD. Multiple traumas, mostly misc sexual abuse.
I have recovered with leaps and bounds over the last two months and I hit my first relapse the other day.
Now, this recovery of mine feels a bit phony in a sense, because I decided not to be "sick" anymore.
I discovered that therapy only made me feel yet more traumatized, due to lack of understanding and knowledge of C-PTSD.
I felt tired of being the one to explain my emotions and needs and have doctors and therapists just giving me all the wrong answers.
I was more or less taught by these professionals that the only common denominator of my traumas was me, ergo the problem was me.
This is very upsetting, especially as traumas trace back to childhood.
Anyway, I've had serious relapse of symptoms... and I feel overwhelmed and weak.
I mourn my recently rediscovered lust for life and courage. It is so easily broken.
Having these positive and lovely feelings of freedom and hope, if only for a couple of weeks, was almost painful because I had forgotten how wonderful life can be!
And now I don't know if I can risk it anymore, because of the pain of relapse.
I know I have to be brave and strong, but at the same time I'm so tired.
A few days ago my twinbrother told me that he had been seriosly beat up by a bouncer at a night club in July.
It goes without saying that being twins doesn't make it easier to relate to bad news like this!
I'm almost happy that we don't live in the same city, so I can't follow my scewed instincts and move in with him and take care of him and take control of the trial process and the hearings and finding a good lawyer and bla bla bla.
I do see that what I wold be prepared to do for him is what I've done to survive myself in the aftermath of my own traumas... and I also realize that nobody was there helping me.
I feel drained.
All the fear and despair came flooding back... it only took one phone conversation with my brother and I'm back in the murky darkness.
The worst is the embarrasement... I feel like I've been too optimistic and that this recent trauma of my brother is a reminder that I'm not safe and that soon I'll have my next rape or something of the sort.
I know intellectually it's not true, it doesn't work that way....but my C-PTSD is telling me to stay allied with the illness so that the next trauma won't surprise me...
I apologize for the ranting in this section.
I guess I could've written a more light-hearted intoduction where I tell you that I like dogs and movies and the colour blue.
But this is where I am right now and the one thing I can do is to be honest and reach out for some support.
So, please, write a reply...anything really, just let me know that I'm visible.
Thank you for reading.
All the best.
Lisa.
