On The Road To Recovery

[JohnnyM53]

Well, I know what meaning I got out of it, but that's subjective.

I'm not certain at all what exactly happened. And the question most people who have experiences like mine is "Why me?"

When I read what some scientists and philosophers say about the nature of reality, etc., they can only speculate. Some have even made a strong case that this is a programmed reality.

Bottom line seems to be that nobody can prove their theory no matter how interesting it sounds.

But then again, it's not surprising, because this has been a mystery to us since day 1.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Wow Johnny,

That was quite an amazing experience that happened to you. Thank you for being brave enough to share that with us. I think maybe there was some kind of devine intervention going on there.

Jen

 

[bonnecanyon]

Johnny

You have been given a second chance at life! :clap:

 

[JohnnyM53]

(continued)

WARNING: Possible Trigger:

The abuse was horrible during the frequent moments of violence, and my poor mom took the brunt of it, often sporting black and blue arms from being grabbed. Sitting beside her in the living room, when drunk and/or mad, he’d often grab and slide her rocking chair towards him as we watched, and slapped her thighs over and over again, while she screamed “no” and “you’re hurting me”, “stop, please” etc.

The saddest sound in the world to me will always be that, when I was little, awake in the dark of my bedroom, lying in a state of frozen terror, hearing my mom in the living room crying in silence like a hurt puppy, and there was nothing I could do to help me or comfort her, for fear he would kill me or something like that.

The next worst thing was being criticized by both parents almost constantly. So between the violence and criticism, I became highly self-aware. Now this sounds like an awesome quality to have for many reasons, but in an abusive environment, the brain goes into hyper-vigilance and hyper-arousal mode. The anxiety from all the bad things, coupled with the frustrations of living with alcoholic, neurotic, unhappy parents, brought the level of anxiety to peaks. And because there was little love and nurturing, we were stuck dealing with the emotional aftermath time after time.

We could all write a book about our lives, so I’ll move on by saying this:

As a result of my experiences, I was affected as follows:

I was afraid of everything: most insects, people, kids at school, walking the streets, being at home, screwing up, doctors, adults, dentists, authority figures, needles, etc. Even in dreams it was scary.

I couldn’t win either. I was small, scrawny, scared of everyone, and at school or on the streets, I was bullied now and then and it was usually by a group of guys.

Because of my PTSD and upbringing, I would often blurt out stupid things, like the words had a life of their own.

And at home, the messages directed at me were hurtful, as they reinforced what I already thought of myself, which wasn’t much. I was often told I was a pain in the ass, a pack of nerves, and wouldn’t amount to much.

I was living under extremely stressful psychological conditions and negative and demeaning conditions.

And being dirt poor didn’t help. It hurt to see others have so much.

So between living with alcoholics, a neurotic mother, a controlling and intimidating father, being poor, the cops at our place often, etc., I was living with toxic shame.

In my teens up to my thirties, I was either telling jokes to make them like me, or boozing it and feeling utterly depressed, suicidal and like the world's biggest and stupidest freggin loser.

All I could do was survive.

So you get a general picture.

My next and final posts will list all the things I did to try and heal, without any guarantees I would suceed.

But I did it!

It is possible to overcome most of it and it has given my life so much meaning, that today, I am grateful for all that I experienced and learned.

(to be continued)

 

[JohnnyM53]

Before listing all the things I did to heal, I thought I’d list some of the thoughts, attitudes, beliefs or conclusions that helped to become sane, whole, well balanced, and much healthier.

Keep in mind these thoughts, etc. came over a long period of time and reflect my entire journey. I didn’t start off thinking this way, as I had generally believed I was beyond all hope, often living in states of utter despair.

• I am so much more than my: disease; disorder; condition (or whatever label you wish to add)
• I am worth every effort at trying to recover.
• if people can survive concentration camp and other types of conditions, and recover, so can I!
• Just watch me!
• Most successful, happy people have, at one time or another, contemplated suicide. Most decided against it however (Richard Bach – Messiah’s Handbook – Reminder For The Advanced Souls – The Lost Book from Illusions.)
• I deserve happiness. I will have to work at it though.
• the goal in recovery is not to achieve complete happiness - rather, it's to feel whole
• I am not responsible for what happened to me; I am only responsible for trying to heal and taking responsibility for my life.
• If my problems aren’t important to me, they won’t be to anyone else.
• When feeling discouraged, I reminded myself why I started this journey (to end the abuse cycle) and that this is the price I am willing to pay (and my parents refused to pay) to never do what was done to my siblings and I.
• My hopes, dreams and feelings are all that matter. Hang on to them! If they are worth striving for, it’s secondary if I realize them or not. As long as they are MY dreams, and worth fighting for!
• Feelings: whether they’re about a new/newer car, my family, myself, a promotion, a small miracle that happened; etc;, they are all that really matter to me.
• If the abuse and traumas I experienced were responsible for my weird behavior, and if my efforts to heal are responsible for my being well-balanced, then what the hell happened to my parents to make them turn out the way they did?? Forgiveness is not simply saying “I forgive you” and never thinking about the person again. To me, it’s trying to walk in their shoes and see what it was like for them in their days, ie. what were the times like? The attitudes? Society? Social support systems? Attitudes towards seeking help? etc.
• I need: to be loved; to feel loved; to feel liked; to be respected; to be understood; to be hugged; to be heard, recognized and appreciated. I matter as much as anybody else
• Most things are my choice.
• No one can ever know me better than me.
• Deciding not to decide is a default decision to do nothing
• An unexamined life is not worth living.
• You gave your life to become the person that you are today. Was it worth it (Richard Back – Illusions)
• The only thing that shatters dreams is compromise (Richard Back – Illusions)

(to be continued)

 

[anni]

Hi Johnny,

Thanks or sharing your story. It took some time to read, and I have to admit to skimming some of your traumas. I always do that here. I can get the gist of the story but seem to have developed a way of reading where I get through the traumas as quickly as possible while retaining info. The PTSD disallows being able to LOOK at the traumas everyone has gone through. I'll go through them with the victim and then mine all over again.Rather precludes being able to participate that way.

I had an experience some years ago after yelling at God for weeks. I was raised 'in the church', my father being Lutheran minister but like a lot of P.K.'s am not at all religious as an adult. I just wished to share that I had an experience involving bright white light coming through my window at night, along with 'someone' walking me through the story of being brought through the wilderness. That one I'd retained from my childhood in the church, although hadn't thought about it in years. It was more than the answer I'd been yelling at God to give me, and rather shut me up as well as having the apparently desired effect of giving me hope that 'things' would indeed get better.

I'm not in remission, or whatever it is we can hope for, from PTSD. I've interpreted 'mine' as me not being alone, and no matter how horrible things get there's something lovely telling me I'll get through it.

It's a ton more simplistic, I know, than your experience but very real. I've only ever told 1 other person. I'm still ambivalent about sharing, but thought it would be a little 'safer' , at least here, after reading your post. Thinking about what happened is sometimes the only thing that dampens the PTSD guilt/shame/fear 'chatter' in my head.

Thanks, and take care,

Anni

 

[JohnnyM53]

Thanks for sharing this with me and the others Annie.

Like you, I'm not religious and I walked away from that experience suspecting that indeed "something" seems to be paying attention to us. For the longest time, I was certain we were alone and just doing engaging in wishful thinking.

As a good friend of mine suggested recently that maybe I had that particular experience on that particular day to convince me (as I was a very, very doubting Johnny) beyond the shadown of a doubt, based on beliefs held in my childhood, that something is paying attention.

My experience was subjective, but whatever it was, was not happening just in my mind - my whole body was fiercly vibrating and felt paralyzed.

I hope and look forward to read about your experience if you decide to post it.

*hugs*

Johnny

 

[CCurry]

Hi Johnny,

Thanks for sharing, it was heartbreaking to read about what family members would have thought at your funeral if things were to have gone there. Very sad!! But I'm glad you were able to climb out of the bottom of the barrel and no matter how rough life gets things will always improve.

C.

 

[anni]

Hi Johnny,

Thanks for the comments and yes, I will post it. I would not have even considered it were it not for your determination to get yours told. I'll have to put it together in my head first but will get it up on this thread before too long.

What we go through and experience in every way is part of our stories. If I'm to do the work here, and be very clear then I have to include this moment from a couple of decades ago. I've read all about the various sceptics theories on explaining away these things scientifically, but am not impressed. I have a decent, albeit not extensive background in psych but have yet to read anything which puts a dent in my belief that I was just plain being 'told' that 'someone' cares an awful lot. :)

Take care, and thanks again. If you're from my side of the Pond have a great Thanksgiving! If you're from the other side of the pond then maybe take a moment to feel smug about having successfully booted those zealots ( The Pilgrims)out of the country. :) That was a joke, so please don't any other Yanks be offended! :)

Anni

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Anni

I've tried to educate myself in various aspects of science and metaphysics, making sure my beliefs and mental filters didn't interfere with any theory out there. From psych to nuclear phsyics to near death experiences. All I know is something powerful happened that night to me. Too bad scientists weren't there with measuring instruments to see if their monitors could detect this energy vibrating the hell out in my body.

If and when you post your story, maybe it would be better to start your own thread so that others can get a sense of you, have a continuum of your history, and be able to comment on your posts. Just a thought.

Happy thanksgiving to all my American friends on here!

Johnny
Ottawa Ontario Canada

 

[anni]

Haha!
Johnny you made me laugh at myself! You were certainly able to hit the proverbial nail on the head because i haven't been able to tell any part of my story yet. It is certainly no worse than the others I've read here, I just haven't been able to do it! As sooo many in this forum pointed out in many, many threads, being commited to managing this dam PTSD is WORK and we have to DO it. Telling the story, inclusive of the massive amount of comfort I got from my 'visit', is an inevitable task I MUST do!
You're extremely perceptive, but no doubt already know that!

I can't stand having to justify what I know was a very, very real 'visit', can you? The science involved to 'prove' the experience probably either doesn't exist (yet) or will be called into doubt by other scientists. I KNOW what happened but it's taken awhile to just plain not care if anyone believs me. It was too prescious for me to allow anyone to dissect it's validity, or attempt to.

Thanks again for the call-out, and the extremely tactful way it was presented. :) Very cool of you and also rather impressive!

Take care up there. Getting COLD this time of year! We hail from P.E.I. a couple of generations ago. Love the cold, actually, so I envy you folks up there!

Anni

 

[JohnnyM53]

Right back at ya Anni, cold weather and all!

Oh girl can I relate to that dissecting!!

Years ago, a therapist asked me to put my event in writing so her supervisor could comment and I agreed.

She came back with "My supervisor thinks your dream is about..." STOP!!!!!!!!!!! I shouted. It wasn't a dream!

The problem with retelling mystical and other types of unexplained events is that most people who comment on such stories "project" their unexamined beliefs and opinions onto an event that they have no idea what the hell they are talking about.

Some even say to me it was Jesus himself. And I was convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt when it was happening that it was God. How I knew it, I have no idea. I just felt it, sensed it, it was spectacular and paralyzing. I knew and it was a new way of knowing. It wasn't like going outside, seeing snow, feeling the cold and knowing it was winter. It was a way of knowing that I had never known before, nor since.

And you will have people who will tell you what "it" was or "what" happened, as if they have cornered the entire extremely complex and baffling scientific, metaphysical and spiritual sides to life.

So I encourage you Anni to share your story (where it's safe to do so). It happened and to no one else but Anni.

Some opinions and beliefs of people will be voiced to you and some of them will be even more bizarre than the actual events you experienced! lol

Share it so that other Annis and Johnnies can come forward confidently (yes, some will judge us, but I'd rather be labeled courageous and a bit crazy, than to be silent like I did when all the abuse was going on). People will think and believe what they want. Until such a thing happens to them and they too march forward with a story like ours that seems to be saying in both cases that we are not alone - that something good is paying attention and that maybe our sufferings will not be in vain, for reasons unknown to us right now.

I have analyzed this event for 18 years and have considered all points of view.

Someone even suggested I had an hallucination, which being a very objective person, I had considered.

An hallucation that can make my entire body vibrate so hard I can hear it!!!!?? And why exactly 12 hours before I turn 35 and one the day I did turn 35? Why Jesus? (well probably because I wouldn't have not known who the Buddha or Allah is, so it had to be convincing. Why not Bugs Bunny or Stay Puff? Why the deep message "pain is the measure of your love"? Why be asked if I still wanted to die?"

And more importantly, "why me?" Why not someone suffering 100 times more, someone being tortured in a prison camp, beggin to God for death?

And the only answer I can arrive at is that because whatever it is that chose me, gambled or knew that I would pass on the message in my story someday, once I had established credibility that I was objective and sane, and had to be in my job.


And those messages were:

• "act as if I was there" (Interpretation: we are not alone)
• "pain is the measure of your love" (Interpretation: I hurt because I chose to feel love in spite of the pain and will not inflict pain on others just because I hurt)
• "is it still your wish to die?" (Interpretation: if its too painful, you can take yourself out of the game of life if you want, but it's up to me)