General One Day We're Talking Babies & The Next It's Like I Never Existed

[Fargo1]

I agree with diggin,

I believe that he IS really wanting to spend time with you, but he still has PTSD. He can get triggered at any time, for any reason. Remember "slow and steady wins the race." I am not a therapist, but am trying to learn the lessons taught to me here, and in my own therapy. So take it for what it is worth.

I would not:

1. Ask him to explain himself. That will only make him feel worse about himself. If he offers to explain himself, listen very closely to what he actually says, not what you think he is saying. If you notice him getting monotone, or in any other way pulling away, ask him to stop and move on to another topic of conversation.
2. Talk too much about what is going on with you. Re-read #1 above.
3. Don't have him or let him talk too much about his traumatic experiences. Until he is in therapy and has learned how to cope with PTSD, he will only be re-traumatizing himself with no way to release it (except the ways he is trying and failing at now).
4. Be "over caring," this may make his guilt come on very strong.

What to do:

Be yourself. This will show him that there is hope. That he has not F@#ked up too much.
Be strong. This will show him that you are his rock.
Love him. This will show him trust.
Be patient. This will show him that you are a safe place.
Don't meet in public place like a restaurant. His hyper-vigilance may kick in with a gusto and have unpredictable results.

Seeing him after your recent events is going to be one of the hardest things either of you have done. It will either feel very awkward or he will act like nothing ever happened. You are going to want answers; he will not be able to give them. If he starts yelling or being mean; remember this is more-than-likely a result of his fear mixed with anger. Be strong and give him space. But don't let him walk all over you or berate you. Firmly tell him that he is not acting correctly with you. Then give him a bit of space to take that in. If he starts in again, repeat yourself and tell him that you will not put up with that or argue with him about it. Then give him time to let that sink in. If he starts in again, tell him that you are done with the conversation and would like to continue later, when he has calmed down.

Good luck, my prayers are with you two.

Fargo

 

[diggin]

Fargo - you cannot imagine how helpful and insightful your post is- thank you.

 

[Steph_F]

I am not a therapist, but am trying to learn the lessons taught to me here, and in my own therapy. So take it for what it is worth.
Fargo

you sure as heck SHOULD be a therapist! I would pay you everything I could for your advice, its sound, honestly, friendly and it has worked for me. You are a great man, and I am really glad you are here.

I hope things are going well with you and T. Been thinking about you guys alot since things are getting back to better with M and I. I followed your advice as well as I could, and it worked! :) Still, you are not him and I am following your advice as if you were, but I need HIM to open up to me and talk the way you do. But I am just slowing down and giving space and trying by best to accept things they way they are and not trying to make things they way I want them to be.

I would not:

1. Ask him to explain himself. That will only make him feel worse about himself. If he offers to explain himself, listen very closely to what he actually says, not what you think he is saying. If you notice him getting monotone, or in any other way pulling away, ask him to stop and move on to another topic of conversation.
2. Talk too much about what is going on with you. Re-read #1 above.
3. Don't have him or let him talk too much about his traumatic experiences. Until he is in therapy and has learned how to cope with PTSD, he will only be re-traumatizing himself with no way to release it (except the ways he is trying and failing at now).
4. Be "over caring," this may make his guilt come on very strong.

This is excellent advice, its really really hard, but you can do it!!

One thing that I might add (as a supporter) is not to expect an apology. Just him wanting to see you can be taken as an apology and an act of asking forgiveness. This was hard for me, I want M to understand how badly I hurt and I want to hear him tell me how sorry he is about it, but I am realizing that words are not his thing, actions are (like alot of men I suppose) but be very very forgiving with your Vet. Go into this with compassion, understanding, patience, forgiveness...and not alot of expectations. It sucks to hear that, but if you expect alot, you will put pressure on him and he will bolt. Just be happy to see his face again and I am adding my prayers to those already praying for you my friend.

 

[Mockingbird13]

My challenge with "being myself" - On What to do #1 Was when my Vet stil lived with me was my happy self made him angrier - We, my daughter and I on most days tried to be "Business as usual" - and it seemed to just push him further away - Because I didn't feed into his anger or get upset when things may have been bad I feel made him worse. - How can I explain this......

Exp - I had a full time job, and due to the school budget cuts went to part time last year - - Yes I was bummed, but not devastated, Hey I still have a job, a job that I love ! - He on the other hand was upset which I understand, but I was not going to complain b*tch and moan about it forever as he wanted me to - it was things like this that if I didnt share in his anger or bad moods he just could not understand.

My daughter and I did go down the trail persay and started to be very different around him - you know no more laughing, watching what we were saying until we were all pretty miserable - and that suited him fine....

I dont know- there is just no 1 remedy each vet and supporter must find their own way - thats why I love it here, because there are sooooo many views - thanks everyone, keep them coming

 

[Fargo1]

I dont know- there is just no 1 remedy each vet and supporter must find their own way - thats why I love it here, because there are sooooo many views - thanks everyone, keep them coming

Absolutely right! As I have tried to say in my responses, this is me, this is how I have experienced it. I hope it comes through like that and only like that.

I have, and am making many, many mistakes in my life. Although I can usually express myself fairly well here, ACTUALLY doing it in real life. Well that is another matter completely. I have (so far) been able to express myself well enough with T that she is sticking it out for now. But who knows what will happen when (not if) I backslide? Will I burn my last bridge? Or will she see what is really going on and put up with my shit? Will I be able to catch my shit before slinging it on everyone around me? At this point I don't know. But I am trying...Some days are better than others.

Today, when the cats (whom I hate with a capitol H) were running rounds at 5 am, and one decided that the best path for it to take was across my face with claws out...If I had my way I would have cat skin slippers today. But worse, I was so pissed off until now (it is 3:52 pm) that I could not go to work, take phone calls from clients, contractors, anyone because I knew that I woke up with my temper at slightly below a full boil.

Even now, I am still activated. Can I go home and deal with T as a reasonable human being? Not likely. Maybe. Can I explain to her why that simple thing has had me spinning in a blind rage for nearly 12 hours? Not likely as I don't really know myself. What I want to do is find a nice bridge, crawl under it, and growl at any man or beast that tries to come under it with me.

 

[princessx]

Thank you ALL for the amazing advice. You guys are so great!

I think it's good that I really lost all hope in us being together because that way I won't be let down anymore. It's crazy how much longer a month feels for a broken heart. I'm definitely following the do's and don'ts! If and when we do hang out, I'm just going to focus on being normal me and not bring up anything. There really is no need to make the situation more akward unless he brings anything up himself. I'm still waiting for a response back from him which drives me crazy because it's almost like I don't know this man post break up. The man I fell in love with would text me right back and really cared, the way he's being right now is do immensely distant. Almost makes me wonder why he even wants to see me if he's acting this way. Poo.

 

[Steph_F]

Because I didn't feed into his anger or get upset when things may have been bad I feel made him worse. - How can I explain this......

Exp - I had a full time job, and due to the school budget cuts went to part time last year - - Yes I was bummed, but not devastated, Hey I still have a job, a job that I love ! - He on the other hand was upset which I understand, but I was not going to complain b*tch and moan about it forever as he wanted me to - it was things like this that if I didnt share in his anger or bad moods he just could not understand.

I know what you are talking about, hon! There are things, little things like the new dishwasher my property management being a peice of junk that irk me, but I roll with it that really set M off. He seems bewildered and even annoyed that I am not pissed off. The other thing is child support, I do not, have not and will not receive any child support from my ex-husband because he no longer lives in the US. It took me a long time to accept this and be ok with it, but what can I do?? Matt's greedy ex-wife raked him across the coals and I swear he is being financially raped by the insane amount of C.S. robbed out of his check. *me venting, sorry* anywhoo...he gets so upset that I do not get child support, I understand, but I am not sure why he gets so irritated with me that I am not upset. If someone wrongs me in any way and I tell him, he gets so mad about it like it was him that got wronged. I wish I could explain to him how and why I don't let little things get to me, how they used to, but then I carried around hate and hurt in my heart and how I have learned to forgive people just to help myself.

I used to argue back with M when he would want to fight and it seemed to release some tension and pressure, but is that healthy?? I guess I would rather he verbally rip me apart with illogical arguements then go out driving angry or drink and get rough with someone. But there is a healthier way to deal with anger and I wish I could help him know the freedom of NOT being angry so often.

 

[Steph_F]

Even now, I am still activated. Can I go home and deal with T as a reasonable human being? Not likely. Maybe. Can I explain to her why that simple thing has had me spinning in a blind rage for nearly 12 hours? Not likely as I don't really know myself. What I want to do is find a nice bridge, crawl under it, and growl at any man or beast that tries to come under it with me.

How did things go yesterday after this post? You don't have to share of course, but I was just wondering, and hoping things were able to simmer down. Like you said, some days are good and some days are bad. Yesterday sounds like a bad bad day :( I hope today is going much much better for you!

 

[Fargo1]

Princessx, he wants to see you because he wants to see you. He is this way, because, well because he is. It is hard as hell to come to grips with that. Some days I can, some days I can't.

Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I woke up on the PTSD side of the bed. Then I had to live with that all day long trying nit to inflict it upon others. Lucky for me I am my own boss and can take the day off... But it really isn't a day off. Because I have people relying on me to be the boss, pay the bills, meet the clients, all that shit. So my day off was spent, slathering myself in my morning anger, and guilt that taking care of myself, was letting others down.....