This is the current PTSD issue I'm working on. I apologize for my poor ability to write. I'm terrible with sentence structure and paragraphs. I've tried to rework this but honestly I can't read it anymore.
thank you,
HL
This is one of the stories that I left out in all the work I did around my abusive father and family. Odd that I wouldn't find this important and then to see it as I always have - just a lesson to learn from and to watch my back better. Even as I got ready to tell my tdoc I changed my tone and brushed it off as not much of an incident (though, let me point out it has taken me awhile to tell her the whole thing) but at home, in the early hours I found myself having "episodes" where I would get flashbacks of the gun and I would see nothing else but feel this overwhelming sadness cutting through my gut sending me to my safe place literally screaming.
I was 10yrs old. We had recently moved to a new town and I had one close girlfriend. Her mother worked and she was the youngest of 2 brothers,one was a potheads. I had already been exposed hash and liked that it ade my daydreaming easier. There came a weekend that she suggested we tell our parents that we would be staying at each others house and take a bus to up North to the city to see her friend who had just moved there. I went along with it, eager for adventure, so we hopped the bus out of there on a Friday afternoon. I thought we'd get caught but I didn't really care, my mother was angry all the time anyway and I was her favorite target.
We pulled into the station about an hour and a half later but he didn't know we were coming so he arranged for us to stay at a friend's of his house. This was not the plan we had talked about at all. It was way out in a creepy part of the city. I got a really bad feeling about it and tried to get her to see about getting back to the bus station to go back home but she wanted to stay with him. Soon there were all these older kids in this old house and we taken to a damp, smelly, unfinished broken down basement. The upstairs was small and old. There was no place I felt safe and everyone was high and drunk. I kept sober while trying to keep track of my friend who was following this guy around. His friend kept pawing at me but I would slip out of his reach, hearing call me a fat b**** while I lugged my suitcase after me. My girlfriend's friend would catch me in a corner and try to make a move on me, he was very good looking but I thought he was a dog for doing this to her so I would move away. I kept saying I wanted to go home but she would call me a baby and push me away. I ended up curled up on a damp stained mattress hugging my suitcase until dawn when everyone was told to get out.
We got our suitcases together and walked outside in the rain without any idea where we were. I knew we were miles from town. I begged them to get us back to the bus station. They were just going to leave us there. Finally I said I would call the police or the friend's father if they didn't do something!!
They agreed to call a friend and use their truck. We had to sit in the back while it rain, in our little platform shoes and cute little bellbottoms all smelly and wrinkled, hair matted and wet. She was upset and I was cold and embarrassed. I just wanted to get home. They finally dropped us off at the station and we went inside to get our tickets adjusted and wait for our bus home.
We barely talked. Finally we went into the bathroom and changed clothes and tried to make light of the whole situation. When came out there were 3 men waiting for us. They looked to be in there early to mid 20s, maybe older. One started talking to my friend asking where we were from, where we were going, saying they could take us there. She started looking all excited and took me aside saying they had beer and weed. She said they were so cute and we would get home quicker etc. I was reluctant but getting home sounded so much better than waiting another 2 hours and smoking weed on the way home sounded like a great idea, I just wanted to forget the whole night. I really thought it would be a simple situation although I was a bit leery of the older guy and how he kept looking at my friend, I wasn't paying attention to the other two.
She quickly said yes and we went out with her getting in the front seat and me in the back with the youngest quiet guy and the bigger guy, even though I had wanted her to sit in the back with me. So then I argued about sitting near the door or not getting in at all. It was a bit of a battle of the wills on the sidewalk until the driver finally said to just her sit there and stop making a scene. I really started not feeling right about this and just wanted to get home. I drank the beer and smoked the weed with no results, I stayed alert. My friend got loopy and was laughing upfront. We did get to our town but they past out exit. I was waving my arms and yelling that they just missed our exit. My friend looked at me and we both knew we were in trouble. The big guy in the back said to settle down they just had one stop first then they would get us home. I was grilling him on where and how long and he kept shoving the pipe at me. When I would push it back he snarled so I took a hit and then asked again what stop and for how long.
Then we stopped. It was a motel. The driver said he would be right back. I said nothing. I was blank. The next thing I remember is we are at the back of the motel in the room. There is another room with a door, this is where the driver takes my friend. I am objecting to this but i can't tell if she wants to go or not she is so high. The big guy tells me they are fine but then I hear her and I try to go to her and he grabs me shoving a pipe at me. I decide that if I get him to smoke enough weed he may pass out. I know it's not going to do much to me so I keep loading up the pipe, I will get to my friend as soon as this guy is gone. Pipe load after pipe load and it doesn't happen finally he says you are smoking all my dope! I said let's have more! But he isn't going for it so starts in on me, pushing me back on the bed. Up until now I think I am a virgin, I don't remember what happened with my father only that I have gaps in my memory and my personality has changed as well as my mother's attitude towards me. But I do know he is about to touch me in places I don't want him to. He stinks and he is big. I think to myself there has to be some way out of this.
He starts to lay on top of me pulling up my shirt and I grab at it trying to push his hand away but he easily swats it away, instead he is ripping at my pant's zipper. I look to my left and grab the heavy ashtray and pick it holding towards his head smiling. I tell him if he touches me I'll smash his face. Out of nowhere he pulls this gun putting to my temple and smiles back, saying something I can't hear because in my head I hearing Do I allow someone else to kill me??? Isn't that my choice??Should I go ahead and hit him anyway??? Is this worth dying over??
And that's all I remember until we are back in the car going BACK to the city we just left!! It's quiet in the car now. Not so fun now. I am stuck in the middle away from the door this time in the back. I am thinking how to get out of this. I am angry at myself, at these guys, at my friend, at her friend, I'm just so angry! They don't take us to the bus station, they take us to some person's house. They point the gun at us and tell us to stay in the car. As soon as they leave I grab my suitcase and scream at my friend to get out and run! She is frozen, says no we have to stay or they will kill us, we have to wait, I said GO!! She wants to argue, I said I'm out of here and take off, she is behind me. It's hard to run because of the stupid platform shoes!!! Soon they are behind us. We dodge them and somehow find our way back to the bus station into the Ladies Room. There is someone cleaning in there but they don't understand what we are saying so go into a stall and lock it with our feet up. We stay there for a long time. I don't know how much later I took a look and they were still out there looking for us. I checked the clock for when we could catch a bus and went back into the stall. A few hours later I check they are finally gone.We finally got home in the middle of the night.
I have never seen this for what it is. An "Abduction Rape" because I went with them in the beginning.
It became an abduction when they veered off and took us to the motel, I was certainly raped. I was 10 years old, the man was in his mid 20s at least. It's sick and perverted for an adult to do this to a child of 10yrs old. There is no doubt I find this repulsive and no way a child's fault. But when it comes to it happening to me and the poor decisions I made. I went home said nothing to anyone, we never talked about. My family never noticed.
We had breakfast and dinner like always in our nice home.
HL
thank you,
HL
This is one of the stories that I left out in all the work I did around my abusive father and family. Odd that I wouldn't find this important and then to see it as I always have - just a lesson to learn from and to watch my back better. Even as I got ready to tell my tdoc I changed my tone and brushed it off as not much of an incident (though, let me point out it has taken me awhile to tell her the whole thing) but at home, in the early hours I found myself having "episodes" where I would get flashbacks of the gun and I would see nothing else but feel this overwhelming sadness cutting through my gut sending me to my safe place literally screaming.
I was 10yrs old. We had recently moved to a new town and I had one close girlfriend. Her mother worked and she was the youngest of 2 brothers,one was a potheads. I had already been exposed hash and liked that it ade my daydreaming easier. There came a weekend that she suggested we tell our parents that we would be staying at each others house and take a bus to up North to the city to see her friend who had just moved there. I went along with it, eager for adventure, so we hopped the bus out of there on a Friday afternoon. I thought we'd get caught but I didn't really care, my mother was angry all the time anyway and I was her favorite target.
We pulled into the station about an hour and a half later but he didn't know we were coming so he arranged for us to stay at a friend's of his house. This was not the plan we had talked about at all. It was way out in a creepy part of the city. I got a really bad feeling about it and tried to get her to see about getting back to the bus station to go back home but she wanted to stay with him. Soon there were all these older kids in this old house and we taken to a damp, smelly, unfinished broken down basement. The upstairs was small and old. There was no place I felt safe and everyone was high and drunk. I kept sober while trying to keep track of my friend who was following this guy around. His friend kept pawing at me but I would slip out of his reach, hearing call me a fat b**** while I lugged my suitcase after me. My girlfriend's friend would catch me in a corner and try to make a move on me, he was very good looking but I thought he was a dog for doing this to her so I would move away. I kept saying I wanted to go home but she would call me a baby and push me away. I ended up curled up on a damp stained mattress hugging my suitcase until dawn when everyone was told to get out.
We got our suitcases together and walked outside in the rain without any idea where we were. I knew we were miles from town. I begged them to get us back to the bus station. They were just going to leave us there. Finally I said I would call the police or the friend's father if they didn't do something!!
They agreed to call a friend and use their truck. We had to sit in the back while it rain, in our little platform shoes and cute little bellbottoms all smelly and wrinkled, hair matted and wet. She was upset and I was cold and embarrassed. I just wanted to get home. They finally dropped us off at the station and we went inside to get our tickets adjusted and wait for our bus home.
We barely talked. Finally we went into the bathroom and changed clothes and tried to make light of the whole situation. When came out there were 3 men waiting for us. They looked to be in there early to mid 20s, maybe older. One started talking to my friend asking where we were from, where we were going, saying they could take us there. She started looking all excited and took me aside saying they had beer and weed. She said they were so cute and we would get home quicker etc. I was reluctant but getting home sounded so much better than waiting another 2 hours and smoking weed on the way home sounded like a great idea, I just wanted to forget the whole night. I really thought it would be a simple situation although I was a bit leery of the older guy and how he kept looking at my friend, I wasn't paying attention to the other two.
She quickly said yes and we went out with her getting in the front seat and me in the back with the youngest quiet guy and the bigger guy, even though I had wanted her to sit in the back with me. So then I argued about sitting near the door or not getting in at all. It was a bit of a battle of the wills on the sidewalk until the driver finally said to just her sit there and stop making a scene. I really started not feeling right about this and just wanted to get home. I drank the beer and smoked the weed with no results, I stayed alert. My friend got loopy and was laughing upfront. We did get to our town but they past out exit. I was waving my arms and yelling that they just missed our exit. My friend looked at me and we both knew we were in trouble. The big guy in the back said to settle down they just had one stop first then they would get us home. I was grilling him on where and how long and he kept shoving the pipe at me. When I would push it back he snarled so I took a hit and then asked again what stop and for how long.
Then we stopped. It was a motel. The driver said he would be right back. I said nothing. I was blank. The next thing I remember is we are at the back of the motel in the room. There is another room with a door, this is where the driver takes my friend. I am objecting to this but i can't tell if she wants to go or not she is so high. The big guy tells me they are fine but then I hear her and I try to go to her and he grabs me shoving a pipe at me. I decide that if I get him to smoke enough weed he may pass out. I know it's not going to do much to me so I keep loading up the pipe, I will get to my friend as soon as this guy is gone. Pipe load after pipe load and it doesn't happen finally he says you are smoking all my dope! I said let's have more! But he isn't going for it so starts in on me, pushing me back on the bed. Up until now I think I am a virgin, I don't remember what happened with my father only that I have gaps in my memory and my personality has changed as well as my mother's attitude towards me. But I do know he is about to touch me in places I don't want him to. He stinks and he is big. I think to myself there has to be some way out of this.
He starts to lay on top of me pulling up my shirt and I grab at it trying to push his hand away but he easily swats it away, instead he is ripping at my pant's zipper. I look to my left and grab the heavy ashtray and pick it holding towards his head smiling. I tell him if he touches me I'll smash his face. Out of nowhere he pulls this gun putting to my temple and smiles back, saying something I can't hear because in my head I hearing Do I allow someone else to kill me??? Isn't that my choice??Should I go ahead and hit him anyway??? Is this worth dying over??
And that's all I remember until we are back in the car going BACK to the city we just left!! It's quiet in the car now. Not so fun now. I am stuck in the middle away from the door this time in the back. I am thinking how to get out of this. I am angry at myself, at these guys, at my friend, at her friend, I'm just so angry! They don't take us to the bus station, they take us to some person's house. They point the gun at us and tell us to stay in the car. As soon as they leave I grab my suitcase and scream at my friend to get out and run! She is frozen, says no we have to stay or they will kill us, we have to wait, I said GO!! She wants to argue, I said I'm out of here and take off, she is behind me. It's hard to run because of the stupid platform shoes!!! Soon they are behind us. We dodge them and somehow find our way back to the bus station into the Ladies Room. There is someone cleaning in there but they don't understand what we are saying so go into a stall and lock it with our feet up. We stay there for a long time. I don't know how much later I took a look and they were still out there looking for us. I checked the clock for when we could catch a bus and went back into the stall. A few hours later I check they are finally gone.We finally got home in the middle of the night.
I have never seen this for what it is. An "Abduction Rape" because I went with them in the beginning.
It became an abduction when they veered off and took us to the motel, I was certainly raped. I was 10 years old, the man was in his mid 20s at least. It's sick and perverted for an adult to do this to a child of 10yrs old. There is no doubt I find this repulsive and no way a child's fault. But when it comes to it happening to me and the poor decisions I made. I went home said nothing to anyone, we never talked about. My family never noticed.
We had breakfast and dinner like always in our nice home.
HL
