One Of Those Nights...

[BigBG]

Friday,

You really do have a way with words and putting things in perspective. The WW generation, like my still living grandpa, sure do have my admiration. It was just one front to another to another. Ok, were done in Africa, now let's goto France, and then Italy and so on. Very different times we live in far from the "shell shock" diagnosis days huh?

The f*cked up thing with me is, I don't have a problem with the shit i did or the people I shot. Sure you start to think about it but overall that's not my problem. Mine lies with holding the hand of a brother who was shot through the eye on patrol, as somehow he stayed alive long enough for him to sit there gurgling and choking on his blood, having him shake and writhe around while the medic slices his own throat to put a trache tube in for him to breath, then he just slips away. All of this while under fire.

I took a VERY vengeful approach to my last tour after this incident. It was bad but that's how I felt, not knowing if the next person who engaged our patrol would be one of the shitbricks who shot and killed my friend. I always had that on my mind.

Once I got home, that shit just continued stateside. Trouble with poeple, family, law, and my now ex-wife of 7 years.

I've finally realized after being single for nearly a year that I will never find that person who did that and living each day as a battle and a constant "war mentalty" won't get me nowhere and it's time to hang up the boots so to speak.

 

[BigBG]

Sleeping Dragon,

I like your perspective of picking up the pieces and driving on. Puts a good mental image in my head for me. I have been discovering I am not alone, as I had felt for some time, and there are many more out there like me who I can interact with and reach out to in times of need. And visa versa.

Thank you

 

[dutchiedelta]

And then there's the people I flat out envy for the worst thing they've ever done or been done to being falling off a tank. I think, 'I'd be apples if that was the worst thing ever in my life is falling off a tank!'

Unbeknownst to her, the lady is becoming a small meme.

BigBG, as long as it's combat related, it doesn't matter where it came from.
Just keep on ploughing through and hang in there.

 

[Friday]

LOL... She deserves it. If she can get compensation, we can get a laugh. Don't get something for nothing, afterall. I should stop bringing it up, though.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Sorry BigBG, we're having a moment here :)
Don't stop. Just rang cousin who burst into laughter so keep up the good work Friday.

 

[BigBG]

Haha no worries I'm the "new guy" and I'm sure there's plenty of inside jokes floating round. Thanks guys

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Big BG,

You said. "I don't have a problem with the shit i did or the people I shot. Mine lies with holding the hand of a brother who was shot through the eye.....".

I understand because I loaded the body of my best friend onto a chopper, and killed without emotion or mercy. Like you I became a warrior, and the change included turning into a stone cold killer.

That change, although simple and natural, caused complex problems that are both emotional and physical. Once it occured I became a warrior forever. And, as much as I hate the problems that come with the change I will always love the relief that I feel during conflict.

But, that relief is a drug my Brother, more powerful than anything you can buy on the street. And, you and I will be addicted for the rest of our lives.

Because of the power of that drug we have to make dealing with the addiction our number one priority. It takes professional help, understanding freinds and family, at times the right medication, Identifying triggers that produce our drug, and a huge amount of effort.

Don't make the same mistake that I did by trying to ignore a warrior's addiction because it can block out so many things that make life worth while. Those things are still there for you to enjoy. Never stop looking and trying.

SD

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Very well said SD!!!!

 

[BigBG]

SD,

That quote of yours is excellent and I couldn't have put it better myself! Much appreciated!

Brian

 

[Kurt Weiland]

I am a Vet of Desert Storm. Dismount grunt on a Bradley. My anger was a huge problem in my life at work and home. I once got so angry at work because the captain of my shift kept "poking the bear" all day, that I jumped across the table at him and tried choking him out. I have run people off the highways, verbally abused my wife and family members. I have since gotten it under control, but like many of you, I feel it in me, just under the surface reminding me of it's presence and mocking me as to say; you will eventually let me out and get the best of you. Also like I have seen on this thread is provoking someone to get me angry to have the release of the build up. The beast is toxic and although under some control, esp. After quitting the booze it sits and festers and has control of many aspects in my life. It's a daily struggle, but worth it. I have a better relationship at home, yell less and still have my job. It's tough work but stay the course brothers. Peace

 

[Kurt Weiland]

I hear ya all with hit or miss at the VA. I have one in my current state and went for a couple of years 10 years after combat. It was a horrible experience. I also went to a vet center just off the VA campus with Vet therapists and it was just as bad. I was never debriefed and was told to get use to feeling this way and just learn to live with it. I was given meds without follow-up and was self medicating with a lot of alcohol and was getting worse. I was violent mean and didn't give a f*ck. I quit drinking in my own to save my family and job. I went to a week lock down facility on my own and was a little better but was still a walking dead member of society with outbursts of anger. My wife noticed the small changes which seemed huge to me but knew I needed more so I went to another VA in a neighboring state and found a diamond in the rough. These people cared. Asked me tons of questions then enrolled me into a 12 week CPT program. Cognitive processing therapy. It was intense and initially it really hurt to dig up old ghosts. But I gave it time and turned a corner and made big changes. After completion they just didn't kick me to the curb. They sete up with a nurse specializing in meds that are known to work for COMBAT PTSD an I am still monitored monthly this day and for as long as I take these meds. I did also enroll in group therapy and it was all Vietnam Vets. That scared me because these guys are my fathers age and Vietnam was way different than Desert Storm. I found the group to be extremely helpful and the guys were welcoming and surprisingly our issues were very similar despite the age difference and war dynamics. I have made even bigger changes doing that. I continue my meds, 10 years sober and look forward to the monthly meetings. I know I'm lucky to have 2 VA hospitals in my back yard so if one was bad I had a chance at success with the other. Others may not. I encourage all to seek out what's there and not to give up. I wish all you Brothers and Sisters the best and like to know if ya all get what you deserve in help. Hope this helped. Peace all.

 

[dutchiedelta]

I once got so angry at work because the captain of my shift kept "poking the bear" all day, that I jumped across the table at him and tried choking him out.

Didn't you get into a lot of trouble with that?
It would have seen us in Beth Zohar no time.