Opening Up After 14 Years

[bright future28]

So feeling a it overwhelmed have opened up to a handful of people about my sexual abuse i experienced but today i opened up to my two longest friends who i have usually shared everything with but was to ashamed until i started my councelling recently to open up about something that happend when i was 15 i am now nearly 29. Basically when i was 15 i was set up by a girl i considered to be a friend to be locked in a bathroom and raped by two guys who were about 4 years older one after the other yeh pretty horrific. I was so ashamed i didnt open up to anyone until i was around 23 after i was sexually abused a separate time when i got a lift home with another girl who i thought was a friend and a guy she knew ,only for her to get out and leave me in the car and then him rape me. when i confided in her she told me the same thing had happened to her just weeks before but yet she had got in the car again that night with me and allowed me to do so. Can you imagine my anger. Also after having children i have opened up alot more i guess its just me wanting to heal move on so i can be 100 per cent for them. Back to opening up to my friends i dont know what come over me to do so we were talking about the girl i think who had set it all up and i turned round and said do you want to knowthe real reason i fell out with that girl and it all just come out i cried to which i think really helped to finally let my guard down and open up to them after all them years. i went through a rough patch before becoming a parent falling out with my parents taking drugs drinking etc and it really helped me for them to see the cause behind all that so they understand why i was so lost and self destructive. I can honestly say tho having my children has been the best thing that ever happened to me. They have give me a purpose in life and courage to move on and heal. The only thing im worried about is my two friends know the guys from the bathroom assult and im worrried it will get back to them some how and they will or get someone to come after me as theyare not good people and have familys of their own now so would do watever for it not to come out so theres definetly alot of anxiety right now but my friends have promised me they wont say anything. So i feel realived and like a weights off my shoulder for opening up but also nervous at the same time.

 

[Jenna123554]

So feeling a it overwhelmed have opened up to a handful of people about my sexual abuse i experi...

I am so impressed with the courage it took to share this. I have a similar story that I still haven't shared. I think you are helping people with their own issues by sharing yours so thank you. I will say I use hardy nutritionals for my PTSD rather than medications because the anxiety was too much for me on synthetic chemical treatments. You mentioned anxiety so maybe look Into daily essential nutrients by Hardys. It has studies on PTSD. In fact their most recent blog article is about someone similar to me and her experience. Please check it out and thanks again for sharing.

 

[WillyKat]

Congratulations on opening up; its very difficult.

Sexual abuse is designed to destroy the victim's ability to trust. It's a violent act performed with sexual tools, the intention of which is to form a dominant relationship between abuser and victim. It relies on the silence of the victim to succeed.

Once the victim goes into the process of becoming a survivor, they begin to trust a little and speak a little. Doing so disrupts the relationship of dominance and that is threatening to the abusers.

So congratulations for opening up, for finding the ability to trust. You've done the right thing. And that will help the healing process. As you know, healing requires physical safety and because speaking up at all is a threat to them, you're anxiety about them finding out is a source of anxiety. That's perfectly normal.

To deal with that anxiety a bit, evaluate your physical safety and if you see anything that needs doing, like a new deadbolt for the door, better locks, better emergency procedures, and so on, make a list and take some action. It's an ounce of prevention, you know. It might help with the anxiety somewhat. I would also recommend having a baseball bat handy, but those might be difficult to come by in the UK. Given that, I'd recommend a cricket bat, or whatever those things are called. Or a golf club; a 9-iron would work just fine. Pepper spray works too.

Just don't let that anxiety stop you from speaking your truth. You can do that here all you want.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sexual abuse is designed to destroy the victim's ability to trust. I

Is this so @WillyKat ? :wideeyed: Also what if there's no 'relationship'?

Thank you.

 

[bright future28]

Thankyou @WillyKat for your kind reassuring words. Im definetly going to increase my security in the home etc just for that little bit of confort to help settle my anxiety. P.s i do own a baseball bat well it belongs to my partner its reasurring to know hes here to protect me to.

 

[WillyKat]

Is this so @WillyKat ? :wideeyed: Also what if there's no 'relationship'?

I believe it is. Some of the research I've done supports this idea. It's intended to break social bonds, to isolate victims from potential supporters, and to place themselves in a dominant position. Breaking their ability to trust is all part of that.

 

[bright future28]

I can conpletly relate to the trust part. I have had issues with trust ever since and am am only just beginning to see as my therapist says its not my shame im ferling its theres so turning that on them has really helped with my healing process.

 

[bright future28]

Hi jenna im really pleased that this of help i always feel comfortable writing my thoughts here everyone has been really supportive and the fact that we can relate to each other and give each other fuisance all aids towards our healing process :) when you are ready to open up i can say it has really helped me personally it foes bring anxiety as its aomething we have kept inside for so long but it will feel like a weights off your shoulders at the same time. Will definetly check out the blog and look into hardys as i to dont react well to medication. Had a terrible time with paxil back on citaliam but just feel like it slightly takes the edge off my anxiety but yet i still feel very hypervigilent and nervous so always on the lookout for alternatives so thanks for the headsup:):)