Opening Up

[Deleted member 29311]

Wanted to see if anyone can relate to this..

I have no real problem opening up online, because I can't see who's reading what I write unless they comment and even then, it's not like I'm seeing the person and seeing their reaction.

In person, I have a problem with opening up, I never really do any more unless it's with my spouse.. I noticed for a while now that when ever I do, I feel like an idiot after. I know I'm not, although I feel like the person loses all respect for me and thinks I'm a joke. I feel like the second I say anything personal, the person judges me and doesn't give a crap.

I've always hid how I feel and I try to hide my PTSD symptoms as best as possible, I suppress everything all the time until I'm in a ''safe'' place where I can unwind and let go. I feel like I have to be perfect, like it's not ok for me to be this way because people will see me as a freak and won't take me seriously. I mean even here, some times I have trouble and the thoughts cross my mind, although I write anyway.

I think it's because the more years go by, the more I noticed that talking about it with everyone isn't helping me unless they're going through the same thing, like the people on this site. I've realized that no one can make my problems go away and I've given up on opening up with anyone in person.

I've opened up to many people in the past and most of the time they never took me seriously and told me to ''suck it up'' or that I'm the problem and I'm in the wrong. It's extremely frustrating when I'm asking for help and I'm trying to become a better human being and people tell me I'm a problem.

Just needed to get this off my chest.. To anyone who read this thank you!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

100%!

I cant say much in person and when i do i have to look away. Like i never ever look at my therapist. But i can type what i cant say. Its always been like that for me. Its more about speaking for me i think because i have the same issue on the phone hense why i cant call a crisis line and had to save the online and texting crisis sites, though havent used them.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 33052]

CMan, I think most of us here can relate to what you're saying. Self-esteem issues seem to be the norm. I'm middle-aged and this is the first place I've ever spoken honestly about myself. In the world, I always expected that if people understood who I really was, they would despise me. Here, everyone understands. Everyone cares, and everyone accepts. Either none of us are freaks, or we're all freaks together.

I'm glad you found us. :hug:

 

[Whyteferret]

@CMan
Silence is part of what we were taught. I don't talk to others unless they have PTSD as well. And I still hate to talk face to face for many of the same reasons. It's also a matter of shame- if they knew they wouldn't like me. They'd blame me. They'd judge me.
I also feel shamed after therapy. I know it's not like that but still it's there.

Like @lostforgottensoul , I can't make eye contact with my therapist. If I do, it's a quick glance and away.

It's easier here. I've told thing on the forums and my journal that I'd never say to someone face to face.

 

[Blackjack]

CMan, I am exactly like that too. I was brought up being taught that it was wrong to be ill in any way and so I guess that's partly why. I find it incredibly hard to open up about my feelings. I just smile and say I am fine when I am anything but. I know it doesn't help me at all but I can't help it.

You are not alone with that one my friend I can assure you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first began therapy, I also began to write down my process and gradually I found that it was teaching me how to better communicate. I also learned better how to think for myself. I also write better than I can talk. I seem to still speak in shorthand and not able, for some unknown reason to get the point across at times when I am upset. Then I feel shame. Shame sucks and it has to go away from me from now on. I hope that this helps.

 

[Gadgie]

I seem to have lost my will to write any more, it used to be a way for me to communicate with the world. I found that it was easier to write something down that it was to say it verbally.

There was also that anonymity where you never meet the people who you are telling the story to, face to face, it feels safer to write it. As I find it difficult to talk to people now, I get all flustered and nervous then start to stammer.

Now that the writing skill has left me, I don't have any positive way to communicate with folk now?