Relationship Opinion please

[Gemini83]

My husband and I live in different states, primarily due to the military. He had a major PTSD flare a few months ago and was very self destructive. Today has been a good day. We’ve been texting most of the day. I feel I have gotten several questions that have been eating away at me answered and neither of us have gotten angry. I have one last issue I want to cover, and it’s a big one. I’m debating if I should push my luck or wait and just end on a good note for the day. If I wait it’s going to keep eating away at me and drive me crazy and who knows when the next time he’ll be so agreeable to answering questions. He knows this an unresolved issue and we don’t see eye to eye on it. What are everyone else’s thoughts?

 

[EveHarrington]

What is the issue?

 

[Gemini83]

Over weather it not his new female friend wants to be more than friends and all the broken boundaries. I know it’s a big issue. He refuses to see all the red flags or even acknowledge that she might be lying to him or even herself about her feelings for him. I think he’s just so desperate for a friend that he is choosing to turn a blind eye to all of it. There really is nothing I can do about it but wait for her to make a move so he can see for himself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Has this been the only good day in awhile?

If so, let it go.

 

[Still Standing]

If it were me, I would end the day on a positive note. You want to remain a partner and not a judge, I would think. If you have previously talked to him about this, he was heard your thoughts on the matter. The more he sees you pushing him to see what you see, especially in the midst of his PTSD issues, you may drive him to his female friends, as he tries to find solace in her "understanding him better than you do."

 

[KwanYingirl]

This just goes to prove that PTSD affects relationships in a negative way. Let a good day stay a good day. You’re already walking on eggshells, you need to realize how this disorder is one of avoidance. He is going to avoid any and everything that reminds him of his trauma. I

 

[Friday]

There really is nothing I can do about it but wait for her to make a move so he can see for himself.

This.

Bringing it up is just picking a fight, pure and simple.

Save “I don’t trust you & think you’re stupid & have no honor.” for another day.

Preferably one that involves sex & alcohol to soften the blow, or the day you break up with him.

 

[Gemini83]

I was talking to a friend and I think I may just send him an email. I can lay all my concerns out point by point without being rushed or getting sidetracked. I can take a few days to word it carefully. I really just want him to acknowledge and be aware that she may have ulterior motives and to not turn a blind eye to it. An email will get it off my chest and still let us end things today on a good note.

This.

Bringing it up is just picking a fight, pure and simple.

Save “I don’t trust you & think you...

The thing is, he’s always been the most honorable person I’ve ever known. Until his infidelity a few months ago. Different female. All the boundaries he put in place, he’s broken almost everyone. He said he only made them because he wanted me to see how crazy and illogical they were.

Right now he’s trying to goad me into attacking him.

He’s such a dick.

 

[EveHarrington]

So he’s cheated on you once and is now playing with fire again?

Yeah, agreed, he is a dick.

Why do you stay with him? It’s obvious he has no interest in staying faithful to you.

 

[Still Standing]

I really just want him to acknowledge and be aware that she may have ulterior motives and to not turn a blind eye to it. An email will get it off my chest and still let us end things today on a good note.

No, what that does is still afford you what you want to say to him, regardless of considering his right to make choices on his own. He has heard your concern. You cannot force him to listen to you. You seem like you are determined to make him "acknowledge and be aware". He is aware. He is choosing to ignore it. He has made a decision.

He said he only made them because he wanted me to see how crazy and illogical they were. Right now he’s trying to goad me into attacking him.

Ok, now you see how crazy and illogical they were. He knows it was crazy and illogical his actions were. Why react to his "goading"? Why do you have to fall into line and react...goad him back? That seems sorta childish. I think Friday's advice was wise and should be considered.

Save “I don’t trust you & think you’re stupid & have no honor.” for another day.
Preferably one that involves sex & alcohol to soften the blow, or the day you break up with him.

I think you are reacting from hurt...and rightly so...being hurt that is.

 

[Gemini83]

Yep. It’s hard to walk away from 15 years without knowing you tried everything. We’ve built a life together, we have daughter. He wasn’t always this way. I’m know the man he was, I know the man he is and I know how he got here.

He basically just told me to say it all or we are done. I laid it all out point by point. This could be a very bad night.

 

[Hojay]

Couple of issues at play here. The fact that that female friend might be interested in him would not be a huge deal...if you trusted him. Given that he’s cheated, you don’t. And for good reason. Laying everything out re this female friend may actually be skirting the real issue, one that might not go away by you voicing your issues with this particular woman. It’s a bit like throwing a bucket of water on a kindling stick while completely ignoring the giant forest fire raging behind it. There’ll be more kindling sticks if that fire isn’t extinguished. You deserve that conversation. I suggest you pick your strategy wisely. Given that the timing to have conversations is tricky (boy don’t I know what that’s like,) best focus on the problem (your lack of trust) rather than the symptom (some random female friend.)