Orgasm During Abuse

[Jenny0329]

Hi,
I feel like cutting my reproductive organs out aswell (tried to a few weeks ago)

 

[CrazyHorse]

In Denmark, where I am from, the head of the childrens 'council' (not sure what the proper term is in english) resently came forward with her own abuse as a child, and brought up the issue we are talking about here.

She explained that while she HATED what her stepfather and her mother did to her, she felt some sort of pleasure in it, because she was so hungry for attention and affection. She was either beaten or sexualy abused, and she found that she preferred the sexual abuse because it felt 'nicer'. This has led to an immense feeling of shame in her.

I would like to state that I am not quoting her exact words, but the general idea in what she said.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi,

This happened to me too. I don't get it either. I hate it, I hate myself for it. :(

 

[Springer80]

It took me until I was 29 until I could look at my body, feel feminine feel 'not negative'.

 

[anonymous]

In Denmark, where I am from, the head of the childrens 'council' (not sure what the proper term is in english) resently came forward with her own abuse as a child, and brought up the issue we are talking about here. .

I am glad that someone in such a public role has come forward and opened up about this issue. Hopefully it will allow more discussion without the taboos society places on it.

Jenny, I am so sorry. I know pain and anguish you are going through. I just want it all gone too. But please. Don't harm yourself :(

I'm sorry this happened to you Ice_Fire. There are really no words to describe the deep seated shame, is there?

Springer, I'm glad you have come to that point where you can accept your feminine side. Maybe there is hope for the rest of us afterall!

Gosh, the past couple of days since I posted this, I have been feeling incredibly nauseous, so embarassed, and I've been feeling those feelings of guilt and shame all-consumingly. I'm hoping that now I have put it out there, my feelings will start to ease.

I just wish more people would talk about it. If it is so common, why does no one talk about it?

 

[Jenny0329]

I think it will take me a few years to get used to what happened. I always think if I did cut my reproductive organs out I would feel even worse. Sometimes I don't know what to do.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I think it is the shame attached to it that prevents an open discussion about it. The thought of saying it to someone in person etc is unbearable, I couldn't.

I've never felt like I needed to rid myself of that part of me and it really saddens me that some of you feel this way. But the feeling of letting myself down, the confusion of being in so much pain, emotional and physical, yet still reacting...it's awful. :(

 

[Red Feather]

It is helpful for me to read this thread. I wasn't raped. I was just mentally manipulated to the point where I had to dissociate to have sex with my ex. I forced myself so often. If there was pleasure throughout those years, it is quite a confusing memory for me.

 

[anonymous]

I think it is the shame attached to it that prevents an open discussion about it. The thought of saying it to someone in person etc is unbearable, I couldn't.

I just had to get it out. I wrote something to my T and left it under her door yesterday. I just had to get it out of my head. She is going to think I am such a dirty creature now. I am regretting it. I don't want to talk about it. But I want her to know. I feel like such a fraud...

 

[anonymous]

I've never felt like I needed to rid myself of that part of me and it really saddens me that some of you feel this way. But the feeling of letting myself down, the confusion of being in so much pain, emotional and physical, yet still reacting...it's awful. :(

It is so awful Ice_Fire. I think it is the worst sort of torture. They must deliberately do it so we question ourselves whether we really wanted it or not... I HATE HIM!

Nadia- I'm sorry this happened to you. Hopefully you don't feel so alone now :)

 

[Britt.f7]

If it is so common, why does no one talk about it?

Because, more often then not, victims feel like you do. However, you are brave in bringing it forward, and, look, people opened up to that and shared with you their own feelings of shame. This is a positive thing. Please give yourself love for that brave gesture.

Now, after reading everyone's responses, I, too have something to add. I suffer from an autonomic system disorder. For those that do not know what that is, that is the background controls for blood pressure, etc. All those things you don't have to think about doing, like your heart beating. What it sounds like to me is your body reacted without your thinking about it. Just like your heart beats without your thought.

That being said, and forgive me for being blunt, but if people were able to control their orgasms don't you think people would walk around having them left and right? There would be no books out there explaining how to push the right button. No lotions, no magical tools, no partners. This was not something you could control. Your body did not really betray you, the abuser did.

Your body is this amazing thing. It is capable of doing some wonderful things, and I am not discussing sex here. It took me a long time to get to that point in realizing that. When I was in my teens I would sit in front of a mirror naked as I got ready to go somewhere. I vowed that I would not fill shame or dirty because of my body. This does not mean that I haven't gone through some tremendous pain to accomplish that. Doesn't even mean that I am totally comfortable with myself 100 percent of the time. Sex and touch, in itself, are still difficult for me. I am trying not to let the abuser win. We are all a work in progress.

I am not belittling your feelings. I think your opening up is an amazingly brave thing for you to do. I think your therapist will think the same. In fact, I believe that all of us who bare our lives and fears on here deserve a standing ovation. Without all of you I would be left feeling alone in my own darkness. You have all shown me, no matter where you are in your recovery, courage and tenacity. You have all given me hope. I wish I could give the same to all of you.

 

[Red Feather]

I would also like to add that a while ago, I was so glad to read a post on the "myths and facts" thread on the mysexabuse forum about this subject. That forum can maybe provide for a more safer environment to talk with the sensitive subjects...? And just so nobody misunderstands me, I am not writing this because I don't think this belongs here. Just as an added info.