Our Value

[Tinyflame]

Where does our value come from if we are not valuable to others?

(Thanks for thoughts about this.)

 

[watundah]

We all have value.
Kindness,.love,.compassion, a listening ear, a strong back,.artistic skills,.a keen mind for.problem.solving, a smile for strangers or treat for a stray dog.
I think if others do not.value our true selves, we need to find a new tribe.

 

[NatBird]

@Junebug Great question.

For me it comes when I feel connected to everything: trees, weather, animals, people etc. and understand myself as part of the eco system/grand design.
With that comes a sense of having value just as I am, not through doing anything specific, just be being me, as a tree is just itself, doing its processes, going through its seasons. Trusting that I have value simply because I'm here and the universe/nature/God has made it so.

As said this comes in waves. I still find myself looking for others to validate me. However I am noticing as I move along the path I get more and more of a sense/experience of feeling inherently valuable.

Thanks for the thread.

 

[Deleted member 541]

For me.... I think it comes from within. My selfworth, how I feel about myself. Again, just my opinion, but if I don't value myself, then how can others value me?!?!?!?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @watundah , I think those are wise words since our true self is who we are.

I think that is wonderful @NatBird that you are sensing it as being inherent. Difficult for me to grasp.

I'm sure @She Cat that is so.I suppose when treated without value it's hard to internalize value about one's self, +/or for some maybe about others, too. But that may not have been preceeded by low self value (though likely it will end that way.)

What I don't understand for what seems like a simple question, are the complexities of:

- How is it that value is inherent? I don't feel I have value because I exist. (Hitler & bedbugs exist(ed) too.)

-If it's so inherent why are people treated so poorly. Even globally it's often total disreagrd if not outright harm or abuse. If people thought of people as having value why is that so?

-Most people define themselves in relation to others: spouse/ mother/ child, or position or job eg Dr etc, or state, retired etc. . How do people describe their value if they leave all of those off? Even more so, how do they see themself or feel if those are taken away? So maybe value is linked to identity? But then they say, be a human being not a human 'doing'.

 

[joeylittle]

@Junebug - how do you define value? What adds or subtracts it from a person?

 

[Tinyflame]

@joeylittle that's a good question, not sure if I have an answer though, which is why I asked here. I can only say, I think of all people as being equal & having a core value. Irrespective of their choices.

That being said, the closest analogy I can come to is this one: for old people (seniors, & even for each one of us), I've frequently thought as regards their 'age' they're only as old as their youngest connections (& by that I don't mean on paper but in true close relationship). So for example if they spend time with people much younger they themselves have some speech, thoughts, vibrancy, energy etc more characteristic of youth. Consequently, at their death the impact is huge & more reaching than for those who do not.

So in a sense to me value may not be defined by but encompasses connection, impact; roles, etc. Although as I said I don't really know. But others here say the same thinking, eg 'if it were not for my kids' etc. So perhaps it's the value of their children that impacts them, +/or their identity as a parent.

I think society guages value to a great degree on output, standing, roles, etc (& of course powerfully though superficially appearances , etc). On one hand a person doesn't have to subscribe to that as the totality, but on the other hand what do you subscribe to your life in the absence? That I do not know.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't feel any value as I don't make a positive contribution to the world. This is what society tells us so it's hard to see things any other way. I don't know how you get a sense of value.

 

[Sideways]

Self-worth is a tricky concept that makes my self-loathing fire up. That's my csa, and it's hard to see past it.

But I know that if I take myself out of the equation, the rational part of my brain can take over again. People, to me, have an inherent value because (and for no other reason than) they are part of our complex humanity. Two examples make this clear for me in my head:

First, the orphaned baby, born into third world poverty. No parents, family, and contributed absolutely nothing to the world yet. In fact, they are simply consuming resources...Only, they still have value. Because they have contributed. Every new baby brings hope.

Second, other end of the spectrum. Elderly and dieing person. Again, no family, haven't contributed anything significant or anything anyone remembers at any point. Maybe never had family. Maybe lived a life of drugs and crime. On their deathbed, I still want to see them treated with some minimum degree of dignity, because they have value. It's inate. They are human, ergo they have value.

I can't apply that logic to myself. Like I said, trauma brain. Yet somehow, I can still see value in those two people. Just because.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Junebug When you speak of people around the world that are being treated poorly.... Yes, it is sad. I look at it from a different angle though. The ones being treated poorly do have value, just like everyone does, but the ones treating them badly have no clue as to what value is nor do they care, because they are sick, twisted and evil, as was Hilter! Don't get me going about bedbugs! Gross!!!

Life isn't always fair, we all know this. Just because we have had bad or horrible things happen to us, does not mean that we have no value. We do, more than most for what we've been through. It's the ones that did this to us, that are sick and evil, and because of their evil, it has mad many of us question ourselves.

Just a bit of my rambling.....

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks for that @She Cat . Perhaps the ripple effect (of negative stuff), leads to self-condemnation, etc. :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

On one hand a person doesn't have to subscribe to that as the totality, but on the other hand what do you subscribe to your life in the absence? That I do not know.

I struggle with this too.

I think that value is one of those paradoxes, where it's actually up to you yourself to decide if you have value, based on what your own personal values are - which is sort of a twisty thing.

Like - If you value honesty, and you persevere at being honest, then you can value yourself for your honesty, just as you would value it in others.

Where my own logic falls down is - I value connection/relationship, very much. I admire people who have created meaningful relationships in their lives. But I myself am very aware of how few true relationships I myself have. And, the one that I really wish I had is a partner. But I don't have that. So, I end up thinking that I have less value as a result.

I wonder, for you, if you tried to make a list of (positive) core values - just, the things that you believe in and respect...would that help you start to understand your own value? It's sort of helpful for me, and sort of not...but as far as a process goes, it's something.

I looked for a good list - this is the best one I found, though it's not the only one out there. What are My Core Values? - Counselling & Therapy Online