Our Value

[lostforgottensoul]

an old T got me to dig out photos of me when I was 12, so I could see that I was an innocent child when I was abused. Naturally, my self-loathing found a way to dump that exercise on its head.

Mine did too, for the same reason. And i felt complete hatred for the child in that picture.

It seems I have to go younger. I have pictures of me and my brother when I was a maybe 2 and 3 yrs old, hanging on the wall of a hallway. Ive passed those pictures stopping, looking, and thinking. And a picture of me at 3 on Easter that makes me melt. I still havent been able to connect innocence with it yet but it makes me sad, for the baby in the picture, for what comes a little later. Though I havent been able to connect that to me now though.

Its something Im working on.

 

[Sideways]

Side note - you really should do this.

Yeah, I definitely will.

@Junebug - sorry for the aside, but thanks for this thread. This is such a hard issue to deal with, and to come to a turning point is, really huge. Any kind of connection to other humans, being able to see part of ourselves in others - it's almost like discovering our 'ordinariness' as a baby, the way we weren't special, so much as just like everyone else, is where we find why we matter at all.. It seems counterintuitive, but it's almost like we can maybe find our value in the very fact of our ordinariness, before the fall.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you everyone, I'm sorry I have so much to say but just heard devastating news (past, friend that died/ circumstances). Am just devastated. Will write later xox.

 

[scout86]

Sorry you've gotten such bad news! Take good care of yourself

 

[Sideways]

I'm so sorry. Be gentle with yourself, this stuff can wait.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @scout86 & @Ragdoll Circus . Well poor woman it's her that suffered not me. Was just looking at a plant last month she had given me years go it's been growing like crazy. She used to say no problem! dealing kindly too with cursing behviour at her, said her grandma was like that. :(

I had what I thought were all these great realizations to post for this thread yesterday before hearing. Now I just feel like what does it matter if we have value ('on paper') but live & die without being treated as though we do. Just the wordswordswords become swordswordswords (not my quote btw, rather a Dr's).

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Junebug I'm sorry that you are going throug a rough time. Death isn't easy for anyone to deal with...

 

[Freedomfighter]

We all have value.
Kindness,.love,.compassion, a listening ear, a strong back,.artistic skills,.a keen...

Good description, this tribe here is awesome

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @She Cat well I only found out because they were trying to find a next of kin & dumb as*es wouldn't answer/ disconnected # from her & when one family was found no one went to the hospital, supposedly, family nor (ex?) bf.

@Freedomfighter she took care of others all her life, was/ gave all of those things. Not too awesome for her. :(

 

[sun seeker]

I think Einstein said if he had 1 hour to solve a problem he would spend 55 minutes thinking of the problem & 5 on the solution. In other words, less judgment more attempts at understanding. Maybe that same concept can be applied when sizing up our own 'worth'?

So I'm following Einstein's advice as applied to your question, though it hasn't been 55 minutes yet. And what comes to mind is kind of discouraging (not your fault, I got there all on my own!) The things I value most in other people are not traits I have a lot of myself. No wonder I'm struggling to feel that I have worth. And it's the effects of complex trauma and how it affects every aspect of my life that make those qualities hard to attain. I think that's at least as relevant as the shame we feel at having been traumatized in the first place - the shame of not being able to live up to our internalized ideal because of how the trauma continues to affect us.

That's the problem. I expect the solution has to do with owning who we are and finding purpose in it, even if it's different from others around us. I'm still working on that one.

 

[Friday]

As a child to feel selfvalue, it needs to be reflected by our parents or whoever brings us up,

That's a really interesting point... Because the progression goes from others-adults-authority figures in our lives (parents, teachers, etc.)... To breaking away from them in adolescence and typically replacing adult validation with peer validation... To growing up / not needing others to tell us our worth. Wanting, maybe, but not needing. Sense of self is pretty firmly established for most early adults. Not complete for most for some time. But firmly rooted.

It makes sense how childhood trauma interrupts that process. No idea how that works in adulthood trauma, but since it does (or can) sounds like maybe 2 pieces for childhood peeps? The interruption of the normal progression of things, along with whatever the trauma component is? IDK. Maybe. Maybe not. Like I said, no idea where the adult piece comes from.

 

[Tinyflame]

Death isn't easy for anyone to deal with...

I didn't say too, I had 3 other people die in one week (last week), 2 of my people at work, & 1 friend of years. I feel at-sea. I learned more too about her, OMG only 31, I think. :( :cry:

No wonder I'm struggling to feel that I have worth. And it's the effects of complex trauma and how it affects every aspect of my life that make those qualities hard to attain. I think that's at least as relevant as the shame we feel at having been traumatized in the first place - the shame of not being able to live up to our internalized ideal because of how the trauma continues to affect us.

I agree but I'm also wondering, do we look back at what we think we should have done, from adult-only eyes & minds? we wouldn't end up the same as adults, after that, either.

Also, I have no idea what or where I was at for a sense of self, ever. I remember only exhaustion & fear.

My lack of resiliency makes me feel ashamed. But I'm thinking, or wondering, if it's backward? My mom said once about someone & people like him, & maybe my friend who died that "(they) were too sensitive for this world". Maybe it's not lack of resilience- I have survived or persevered through stuff people don't - but too much of the other ie, too ~gentle/ sensitive?

What reminded me was I was in church, & with no connection or prompting I started thinking about of all things, Trump comments. I think, not 'cued', but rather not suppressed. (The opposite also.)

But is that also not like ptsd? Not suppressing what should be suppressed? (Not being able to?)

I don't know about value, as regards myself. If they allowed me to knock myself off here I'd be hard-pressed not to go for it. I can't imagine dealing with decades more of this. But others tell me we all have basic value. But it doesn't seem to be enough. That being said maybe if I could suppress some of the other stuff I'd feel differently. Idk because I can't remember how it felt to feel carefree. Lately even sounds are magnified, I hear the clock ticking in buildings, etc.