Out Of The Cage

[Belle]

Well I have more or less got it out of my boss that I can move to another area in my organisation.

I was the little red hen, I did all the work and they got fat eating the bread.

I really appreciate the team members who stuck by and supported me but the rest.....I feel so cold. How did I get to feel so cold?

How did I get to be so emotionally detached and able to see so clearly?

I told my therapist I was a bad person. I told her I really believed it. Maybe I wanted it to be true because the truth is worse. I was half crazy.

I was living in terror, in a nightmare, I was mentally so on the edge, I wonder how I got through? How did I hold down this difficult job? I have no idea? It is a mystery to me.

So I stand here cold and look in at those people I feel as old as the universe. I have learnt so much and it is amazing because at last I can sit in calm. I can smile at them running around like headless chickens worried because I am leaving.

Because no-one will look after them like I did. Shame they didn't see it was done out of fear, I was protecting everyone. Now I going to spend time kneading the bread, watching it rise and savouring it myself. It is time for me. It feels like sunbeams. It feels like winning the lottery.

I am alive. I can spread my wings and fly.... Now I am protecting me.

<Edited typewriter line after line style to paragraphs>

 

[712xx]

Feeling lack of empathy can happen with ptsd. I'm kind of an 'in pieces' person, where parts of me are conscious and expressable only a piece at a time. I have a very heartless piece and a very caring piece ... unfortunately the heart-felt caring piece of me is very silent as if it has disappeared completely when I feel 'evil'. But it does comeback to me -- usually within a few hours, or a day.

You are not alone in having a 'cold side'. I bet you have a good side too -- it just takes the right recipe in your body chemistry to make it. Try to remember that ... write notes to yourself when you are feeling well if you have to, reminding you that you do have a nice piece waiting to be expressed when it feels safe enough.

--{@

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Belle

Love the "little red hen" analogy, I so get it.

You know that cold side? I have one just like it and it has protected me on and off for years.

Just don't forget to cultivate the loving warm side, that's where I get me real strength from these days.

Bye bye loosers, users, abusers, the worm has turned and you are all on your own now to prey on each other.

PW

 

[Jestadud]

You put it so sci fi yet I can relate.

Why should I take responsibility for those who don't seem to care about their own survival, those who think they are owed something and other people should be responsible for them.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm not sure its really coldness. Sometimes, I think so much can happen and we look at things in terms of life and death.

And then the everyday bs that people get so worked up about just seems less emotive.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I forgot to say congratulations on the move in my last post. I'm so pleased for you.

 

[The Albatross]

Congratulations Belle! :tup:

 

[EloiseLandau]

congratulations!

 

[Belle]

Ah thank you everyone :)

I can't wait for my move, my boss says it's 99.5% certain.
That's good enough for me.

Only 12 more weeks at my current workplace location.