Outcome Of Family Issue

[Nicolette]

As most who have read my previous thread about a family issue I opted on sending a non personal Mother's Day card to my mother versus not sending anything at all.

When I first read the following email from my sister (who never talks to me nor has sent her nephew or myself a birthday or Christmas card despite me sending her cards and gifts for years) I misinterpreted it to read that I hadn't paid the postage for the card before sending it (as posted in my diary). Anyway, here's sharing the outcome of my attempts to find a middle ground (which caused me to burst into tears and I have had a constant headache since which no pain killer can stop):

My sister wrote:

To the Business Owner,

Just a quick note to express appreciation for incurring the cost of $0.55 to post the Mother’s day card addressed to XXXX XXXXX. I am certain you have retained the receipt for this postage cost so that it can be claimed for the 2009/2010 financial year.

Business must not be very brisk, so I would like to offer you a fantastic loan offer. How it works is simple: The total amount loaned will be deducted at an annual special birthday present rate. Each time your birthday occurs, the amount that would normally be spent on a gift for you will be deducted from the total cost. Today only, I can offer you a special rate of $10.00 per birthday present, which normally is $5.00.

Each phone call made to immediate family during the financial year will also attract a bonus payment of $3.00.

Should you have any further questions about this proposal, I can be contacted via e-mail, in which I can unfortunately only respond to during business hours.

Hoping that marriage hasn’t turned you into an old miser.

Regards,

Concerned Citizen.

 

[Nicolette]

My Response

Here is how I responded (out of emotion at the time and wanting to write a book about everything):

There are so many things I could write & say but no-one listens or cares.

I now have control over my life & I choose to end the abuse. I can remember the physical abuse from around 6 years old & the emotional abuse has never stopped. Believe & think what you want - I withdrew to protect myself & now I completely close the door and walk away.

My eldest sister's illness is due to her childhood abuse & I don't want to end up as sick as she is.

Sister who wrote the email: SXXXX you have no right to attack me & if you want to be a bitch let me remind you who paid your tax debts (as a single mother) two years in a row when you worked in the cinemas, that you never got off your throne & sent your nephew a birthday card let alone spent a cent on him despite all the years I sent you Christmas presents. Let's also not mention your lack of common decency to even respond to an invitation.

Eldest Brother can go to hell for trying to help a drug addict take my son off me despite me helping him for 5 years. And when I told him the truth he blamed me as he couldn't be a man & let go of his stubborn self centred views.


Eldest Sister- she is too sick to know what is right & now has an incurable mental illness from ongoing childhood trauma & abuse.


I cannot forget fearing for my life being thrown under the laundry sink being told I would have been killed except it would mean someone went to jail. The beating I got for two days when Eldest Brother slipped & cut his eye was horrendous & then all the other things along with being hated because of my father.

Mum, you never protected me when you should have and instead told me I should be grateful I was taken in by another man. You said you were abused as a child - you had a chance to stop the cycle & you didn't.

The words I am most thankful for are when I was told "I would never be anything" when I left home. I have spent 20 years trying to undo the screwed up things I was programed to do. And yes I might give my son too much but do you know how much it hurts, at the age of 12, to watch your brothers & sisters open Xmas presents while being told I'm old enough to understand why I got nothing. I totally understand that I was not loved but instead viewed a burden.

I now say goodbye as I never belonged anyway. Please don't contact me & I wish you all well. I can now find my peace. I forgive you all for not knowing better but I can't forget.

Goodbye.

Names have been edited and I am sure I could have written a better response if I wasn't using an iPhone but I hope they got the message.

 

[amethist]

Hi Nicolette

I am not sure what to say here, only that I am stunned that a sister could do this, no matter how big the rift. I would not even attempt to answer it, delete it and never open another e-mail ever again from her.

I stopped sending gift to family members years ago, why should I spend money on them when no gifts or thanks came back for any of them. Some thing was on TV tonight, were I heard a women say she was not allowed to say goodbye to her dad, this made me cry, as that is what I felt then and still feel now, happened to me. My brothers and my mums fault, in a way I understand the hurt you are feeling right now.

Do what is best for you, Anthony and Josh, and Anthony's boy's. There are people out there who know what has happened with all this, who will not blame you, who will be pleased you are where you are now.

Hundreds of them on here alone were and still are chuffed to bits you married Anthony, even though he drives you nuts at times.

Take care of you.

Amethist

 

[amethist]

:Hug_emoticon: :Hug_emoticon: :Hug_emoticon: I could go on but you understand, it would not let me post more hugs .

After reading your reply to them all. :clap: :thumbs-up

You will be OK in time, take some time to grieve then close the door and don't look back.

Amethist

 

[Mina]

Damn, Nicolette. What a snarky bitch she was to send that. I'm so sorry it hurts. It's yet another instance of them trying to suck you back in to their dysfunctional dance that you are SO much better off without.

Big hugs to the you that you are now, and to that hurt little girl inside.
:Hug_emoticon:

Hang in there; you're doing a great job of respecting, loving, and taking care of yourself.

 

[Nicolette]

Wow Mina - thanks for acknowledging the little girl inside as it is her who suffers the most. ((hugs))

 

[Jubilation4Me]

Nicolette,

I can really relate to what you've stated about sending a non-personal card to your mother. I've had the same issues with my own mother for years now. It's really strange to log on to the forum today and find this posted......as I was discussing this same thing earlier today with my daughter. I hope things are going better for you now and hope you are feeling some-what more at peace. I can honestly relate to your post. Happy Mother's Day to you!

 

[a3a2]

Oh Nicolette, I am so sorry. This exchange shocked and outraged me. Please protect yourself.

 

[Fantabulous]

Wow...your sister must be full of seething miserableness to send an email like that!

Mina's right...she is simply trying to pull you back into the dysfunctional family dynamics. Bringing in someone new to the triangle (or polygon!) means putting the focus on that new player and creating all sorts of new chaos. Chaos gives them something to occupy their mind.

You are doing amazing things with your life. Be proud of who you are.

Hugs! :Hug_emoticon:
Fantabulous

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am so sorry you have sister issues. I know how you feel. I've got one who chooses to simply ignore mother and I. Guess I don't have it so bad, even if it does hurt.

 

[Marlene]

Nicolette,

I'm sorry you had to deal with the usual dysfunctional family crap, but I'm proud of you for making your stand and sticking to it. It's difficult to do...especially when you have the moments of guilt and feeling like maybe it wasn't that bad and you're just being a stubborn person and making too much out of it, etc. Been there, done that, still do it sometimes. Block emails so they get the 'You're blocked' messge sent to them. Send back cards and letters as 'Return to sender'. Don't open them, don't let them draw you back into the muck with them. Stay strong and lean on your support system.

You can do this.

Lisa

 

[Cin]

Seriously, Nicolette... WOW!

Good on you for not only shutting the door but also locking it and throwing away the poisonous key.

I probably wouldn't have been as polite.