Over-connecting with people i hardly know, then hiding

[Rose White]

Maybe this is a relationship issue. It feels like dysregulation, because I’m not controlling myself.

In connecting to people online or in real life... been noticing a trend.

If there is a certain threshold of commonality I can start to over-connect. I think this is like fawning.

We may have a genuine connection, but I take it too far and then one or both of us tries in vain to keep it going but we inevitably have to take time apart (or I hide from fear of abandonment) and then they get back to their real friends and I keep trying to either meet new people or attempt awkwardly to get back with the ones who stick around.

Maybe there’s no perfect right way and I just have to keep trying to connect and keep noticing myself and keep adjusting as best I can.

It’s good enough right now that I’m even trying to connect in spite of feeling like I’m failing. It’s probably not as bad as I think it is. But it’s still okay to pay attention and notice these things.

One of my goals is to keep trying to practice casual conversation. I suspect, from small experiences, that the more casual conversation I have with someone, generally speaking, the more cushion there is for being able to talk about the deep stuff.

Over-connecting, for me, means going too deep too quickly or too often—maybe it’s a boundary thing. Maybe I’m not respecting their boundaries or my own boundaries.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, Do you have a specific question? I’m not sure how to respond. Thanks!

 

[Rose White]

Hmmm... not sure what I’m looking for. Maybe I’m just distracting myself, posting here when I should be journaling. Seeking external validation for internal tension.

 

[jade53]

All I can think is that I did that sort of thing myself for awhile and kind of understand. It should regulate itself.

 

[jade53]

Over-compensating myself since your post hit a little close, you might consider being concerned after realizing that possibly it was out of character as just another step in returning to normal. (In my case I've been comfortable blaming it on prescriptions until I realized that I was apparently somebody else to all the doctors as the result of the first that couldn't comprehend a world outside of a sheltered life).

 

[Rose White]

possibly it was out of character as just another step in returning to normal.

I think this is a big part of it! It’s like an old car that’s running again and my inner critic is pointing out every little sputter and jolt, saying, “Aren’t you going to fix that?”

Only one month ago I was asking on this forum, “How do you even reach out to people?”

Perspective. Patience. Practice.

 

[jade53]

I think this is a big part of it! It’s like an old car that’s running again and my inner cr...

Worked for me. Maybe it's time to watch the movie Baby Steps to get more things in perspective, or at least think of it if you've seen it. (If not to anybody else, I knew I started improving when I could see another spin on things and make jokes about myself again).

 

[Deleted member 541]

One good thing.... At least you are connecting with people..... That’s a plus, instead of hiding and not reaching out.

 

[Rose White]

At least you are connecting with people...instead of hiding and not reaching out.

To be clear, I am reaching out and doing something that feels like connecting but then I often hide afterward.

The first time I reached out to someone was immensely difficult, but not as difficult as being totally isolated. I’m glad I know the difference—that is progress! I didn’t realize I was isolating myself before. That may sound silly to outsiders, but it’s true, and I imagine others on this forum can relate.

Thank you for helping me to gain insight into my recovery progress—so hard to do alone. I hope I will continue to gain relational skills so that I can go beyond reaching out and move toward sustained stable connections.

I think I need to connect with myself more though before I can develop my connections with others. I’m realizing that I can’t bring much to the table when I’m locked in a power struggle with my inner critic.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Sorta having the same problem, I often do that, and it sorta means that with most people there is a steep intensity curve, and then 0.

So basically, I rarely have friends for longer than a certain burnoutish time period.
Getting better with time though, I guess

 

[Rani G2]

Over-connecting, for me, means going too deep too quickly or too often—maybe it’s a boundary thing. Maybe I’m not respecting their boundaries or my own boundaries.

Searching4self, I relate with you on one aspect when it comes to relationships/connecting...I have difficulty letting people in so I usually keep things very loose, but everytime I feel that I am getting a bit more interested and I dont get the same reaction back I have cut off many out of my list.

 

[Supervixn]

I did this years ago out of desperation and yes, not understanding my own need for boundaries; not understanding that not everyone who knows my personal traumas will be good intended and non abusive with it. I shared with the wrong people.. wronnnnggg people.. which taught me the need to keep things private to protect myself. I've since struggled with never sharing and am now feeling the backlash from that in my professional life. Nobody knows me. Except two.. my sig other and my therapist. I'm trying to learn how to share appropriately but am more concerned with finding safe people to do that with.

You live and you learn. I understand the urges.. to need to be heard by anyone and to let things out, but please try to be wise in who you share with. Not everyone has good intentions. Use the forum to vent until you're confident enough and know enough about the people in your life that you're talking to. I had someone use info against me and stalk me for years.. it was demonic. I didn't deserve it but didn't understand self protection at the time. You'll learn just try not to have to learn the hard way. There are seriously evil, crazy, manipulative, ill intended people out there wearing the 'nice person, good listener' mask. Be cautious... be safe. The forum is here to hear you out and no worries if you need to hide out afterward... we get it :).