D
Deleted member 20978
Seeing how long this post ended up being, I'm editing in the short version:
I'm dealing with a ton of abandonment issues and facing divorce. I'm desperate for friends and connection, wondering if anyone would be interested in personal conversation or correspondence, and/or if others can talk about how they've dealt with abandonment issues from childhood.
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If people are reading my posts, I probably sound like a broken record. I feel really pathetic too.
Bottom line up top, I really would like some friends to talk with. I don't know if anyone here might be up for one on one conversation or pen pal messaging or anything. I am looking for this. It's good to read others' stuff and post too, but I'm looking for personal connections.
I have questions about dealing with childhood abandonment. My understanding is that this is part of my CPTSD, but I'm not sure if its more of a separate issue. As I've written elsewhere, I was raised in great isolation. My parents separated while I was less than 1 year old, I had extended family that lived 1000 miles away who we only saw at Christmas, and only one of my grandparents was alive while I grew up (she died in 2008). I had no siblings.
My mother, who was very depressed I think being overwhelmed being herself an only child and unexpectedly single mother, whose father died same year I was born, threatened suicide for a period when I was 6-7, telling me it was too hard to raise me, I was a burden. This was a huge trauma. I should write more about it as I'm not sure people understand just how traumatic this was. It's said that truama is increased when there are less resources to cope, and less people to help support the sufferer. In this case I didn't even have a normal 6 year-old's coping skills developed, and there were zero people to talk to about it.
We moved around a lot. I went to new schools in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 6th, 7th, 9th, 11th grade. Also attended 3 colleges (though for different reasons). I was always the new kid, and bullied for several years because I was obviously emotionally disturbed and not socializing normally. I was tested somewhere around 3rd-5th grade and tests showed I had high intrapersonal intelligence but very low interpersonal intelligence (I believe I'm getting the terms right). Meaning I understood people, understood complex dynamics between people. I watched adult movies (not porn), read at an advanced level. But I was very weak in my own interactions. Probably not very in touch with my own feelings, and not knowing how to trust people.
Over the years I experienced multiple retraumatizing abandonments, which I won't list here. I understand this is part of the pattern of untreated PTSD or attachment disorders. But in just my first few years on Earth, I felt abandoned by my father, and in a different way abandoned by my mother, as she was supposed to care for me, not threaten to end her life (and implicitly end mine too) and blame me, fill me with shame. SHe became unavailable as a trusted parent. And I felt abandoned.
A therapist told me when I was around 30 that I had suffered so many losses, and had never grieved. At the time I didn't understand this, how could you lose things you never even had? But he said my unconscious knew I had lost a real family, lost on having siblings and cousins and grandparents and a father. In some way I lost having a childhood.
I didn't finish college until I was 27. I had worked various part-time jobs since my mid-teens, but didn't enter the "workforce" until 27. Up until then, even though I felt unsupported and unconnected by family, I always had some form of help, financially. I moved back home with my mother for a bit before getting my first job. Then I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment by myself -- first time in my life I lived alone, and part of me loved it. A place that was all my own. But within 9 months or so, I realized this was financially stupid and got a roommate.
I made some friends very slowly through my work, then going out to drinks or dinner, then to people's houses. I was pushing 30 but feeling for the first time in my life that I was making a circle of friends, not just passing friends that would disappear when I left the current school.
Around this same time I started having major panic attacks and suicidal ideations. I would call my friend L and she'd sometimes come get me to talk me down. I had a huge thing for her but she was emphatically just a friend (I dunno, a bit of a tease too). I went to a pdoc and explained that Klonopin had helped me when I was 18, for complex reasons, and was prescribed this again. The impact was dramatic. I started having more focus, and started going out more, and initiating plans with people. I met a girl. We got serious, she moved in with me. I was going to church. I really started feeling like a person.
This did not last. I described in my diary a "series of unfortunate events" that collapsed my life then. I'm still not ready to write about it. But I found myself out of work, my girlfriend moved out (we kept dating for about 4 months and she cut me off very unexpectedly one day). My friends disappeared on me. I felt shunned. I've since heard from one of them that this was what I should have expected since I was suicidal and people are going to steer clear of that. I have anger about this assertion. What the hell are friends for?
Since then -- early 2004 -- I drifted aimlessly, not making any new friends beyond casual acquaintances. It was as if my brief experiment being a real person with real social supports had failed. I was traumatized all over again. I spent 20 months out of work, during which time I did a semester of grad school. I started doing carpentry, which was a radical shift from the software work I had been doing. I really started registering, "who the hell am I?" It was so odd that I could just morph from one life to another, with no connecting threads.
The point of this long story, which I'm realizing I need to cut short, is that I feel like most of my life, I have not known how to have friends, or even a solid identity. There was this period from 27-31 where I did, and it feels like a fluke. Also at that time, half those friends were still single, none had kids yet. There was something more organic about hitting the bar on Friday or whatever. Now at age 41, I have no idea how to meet people. It's not even like I'm trying to meet people my age, since I imagine most of them have more age-appropriate inner lives.
I'm wondering, how do people overcome severe abandonment issues? How to build (not rebuild) trust to form real bonds? And how do I compensate for never having had family members? I can't build on my relationship with a brother or sister. I was always alone and in a lot of pain.
My wife is on these forums. She and I have realized after much struggle that we are not a good fit. We're still together, and trying to be supportive of each other, but looks like we'll separate at some point. In part (and this is a lot coming from me right now), I would like us both to be a bit more on our feet before actually separating, as we both lost jobs in the Spring. But the overwhelming sense that we failed as a marriage is triggering things in me that are beyond overwhelming.
I feel like I've never belonged anywhere, have spent most of my life in some form of denial about just how bad my situation has been, and finally its all just crashing around me non-stop. I cry multiple times a day. I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed, can't do anything. Nothing is interesting to me. I know this is "depression" but I have never believed depression is a pathology. It's a response to real things. And the real things I'm facing feel insurmountable.
I want to beg people to be my friend. I appreciate all the people here who have been welcoming and given words of support. I want to ask for people to make a more personal connection. I sense that this is desperate, and not how people make friends. But I am desperate.
I have good qualities. I don't hate myself. I spent years deconstructing how what happened to me was wrong, was not my fault. I still carry a lot of anger and self-doubt though. It's imprinted. My parents told me horrible things. Horrible. I may not hate myself, but I feel like I am no longer fit for the world. Like a severe failure to launch.
The overwhelming emotion these days is terror. Sheer terror at how the hell am I going to take care of myself, support myself, when I've been agoraphobic over a decade now? WHen not terrified, I'm crying or sleeping.
So if this sounds like a fun friend to correspond with, get to know more, let me know here or privately!
I will add, to be sort of positive, that I was not this insanely depressed earlier this year. I had a lot of stuffed feelings but was functioning, going to work, laughing with people. I can almost believe intellectually that that could happen again, but ending my 7 year relationship with PJ is one of many blows to my system that make me wonder if I have ever been a real person or just a huge pile of coping strategies and an expert at (somewhat) passing for normal.
If you don't want to sign up to be my buddy, can anyone comment on how they've overcome or learned to deal with abandonment issues? I wonder if I should seek support groups for children raised in foster homes, and if so would I be an imposter?
Thanks for reading all this.
I'm dealing with a ton of abandonment issues and facing divorce. I'm desperate for friends and connection, wondering if anyone would be interested in personal conversation or correspondence, and/or if others can talk about how they've dealt with abandonment issues from childhood.
--
If people are reading my posts, I probably sound like a broken record. I feel really pathetic too.
Bottom line up top, I really would like some friends to talk with. I don't know if anyone here might be up for one on one conversation or pen pal messaging or anything. I am looking for this. It's good to read others' stuff and post too, but I'm looking for personal connections.
I have questions about dealing with childhood abandonment. My understanding is that this is part of my CPTSD, but I'm not sure if its more of a separate issue. As I've written elsewhere, I was raised in great isolation. My parents separated while I was less than 1 year old, I had extended family that lived 1000 miles away who we only saw at Christmas, and only one of my grandparents was alive while I grew up (she died in 2008). I had no siblings.
My mother, who was very depressed I think being overwhelmed being herself an only child and unexpectedly single mother, whose father died same year I was born, threatened suicide for a period when I was 6-7, telling me it was too hard to raise me, I was a burden. This was a huge trauma. I should write more about it as I'm not sure people understand just how traumatic this was. It's said that truama is increased when there are less resources to cope, and less people to help support the sufferer. In this case I didn't even have a normal 6 year-old's coping skills developed, and there were zero people to talk to about it.
We moved around a lot. I went to new schools in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 6th, 7th, 9th, 11th grade. Also attended 3 colleges (though for different reasons). I was always the new kid, and bullied for several years because I was obviously emotionally disturbed and not socializing normally. I was tested somewhere around 3rd-5th grade and tests showed I had high intrapersonal intelligence but very low interpersonal intelligence (I believe I'm getting the terms right). Meaning I understood people, understood complex dynamics between people. I watched adult movies (not porn), read at an advanced level. But I was very weak in my own interactions. Probably not very in touch with my own feelings, and not knowing how to trust people.
Over the years I experienced multiple retraumatizing abandonments, which I won't list here. I understand this is part of the pattern of untreated PTSD or attachment disorders. But in just my first few years on Earth, I felt abandoned by my father, and in a different way abandoned by my mother, as she was supposed to care for me, not threaten to end her life (and implicitly end mine too) and blame me, fill me with shame. SHe became unavailable as a trusted parent. And I felt abandoned.
A therapist told me when I was around 30 that I had suffered so many losses, and had never grieved. At the time I didn't understand this, how could you lose things you never even had? But he said my unconscious knew I had lost a real family, lost on having siblings and cousins and grandparents and a father. In some way I lost having a childhood.
I didn't finish college until I was 27. I had worked various part-time jobs since my mid-teens, but didn't enter the "workforce" until 27. Up until then, even though I felt unsupported and unconnected by family, I always had some form of help, financially. I moved back home with my mother for a bit before getting my first job. Then I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment by myself -- first time in my life I lived alone, and part of me loved it. A place that was all my own. But within 9 months or so, I realized this was financially stupid and got a roommate.
I made some friends very slowly through my work, then going out to drinks or dinner, then to people's houses. I was pushing 30 but feeling for the first time in my life that I was making a circle of friends, not just passing friends that would disappear when I left the current school.
Around this same time I started having major panic attacks and suicidal ideations. I would call my friend L and she'd sometimes come get me to talk me down. I had a huge thing for her but she was emphatically just a friend (I dunno, a bit of a tease too). I went to a pdoc and explained that Klonopin had helped me when I was 18, for complex reasons, and was prescribed this again. The impact was dramatic. I started having more focus, and started going out more, and initiating plans with people. I met a girl. We got serious, she moved in with me. I was going to church. I really started feeling like a person.
This did not last. I described in my diary a "series of unfortunate events" that collapsed my life then. I'm still not ready to write about it. But I found myself out of work, my girlfriend moved out (we kept dating for about 4 months and she cut me off very unexpectedly one day). My friends disappeared on me. I felt shunned. I've since heard from one of them that this was what I should have expected since I was suicidal and people are going to steer clear of that. I have anger about this assertion. What the hell are friends for?
Since then -- early 2004 -- I drifted aimlessly, not making any new friends beyond casual acquaintances. It was as if my brief experiment being a real person with real social supports had failed. I was traumatized all over again. I spent 20 months out of work, during which time I did a semester of grad school. I started doing carpentry, which was a radical shift from the software work I had been doing. I really started registering, "who the hell am I?" It was so odd that I could just morph from one life to another, with no connecting threads.
The point of this long story, which I'm realizing I need to cut short, is that I feel like most of my life, I have not known how to have friends, or even a solid identity. There was this period from 27-31 where I did, and it feels like a fluke. Also at that time, half those friends were still single, none had kids yet. There was something more organic about hitting the bar on Friday or whatever. Now at age 41, I have no idea how to meet people. It's not even like I'm trying to meet people my age, since I imagine most of them have more age-appropriate inner lives.
I'm wondering, how do people overcome severe abandonment issues? How to build (not rebuild) trust to form real bonds? And how do I compensate for never having had family members? I can't build on my relationship with a brother or sister. I was always alone and in a lot of pain.
My wife is on these forums. She and I have realized after much struggle that we are not a good fit. We're still together, and trying to be supportive of each other, but looks like we'll separate at some point. In part (and this is a lot coming from me right now), I would like us both to be a bit more on our feet before actually separating, as we both lost jobs in the Spring. But the overwhelming sense that we failed as a marriage is triggering things in me that are beyond overwhelming.
I feel like I've never belonged anywhere, have spent most of my life in some form of denial about just how bad my situation has been, and finally its all just crashing around me non-stop. I cry multiple times a day. I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed, can't do anything. Nothing is interesting to me. I know this is "depression" but I have never believed depression is a pathology. It's a response to real things. And the real things I'm facing feel insurmountable.
I want to beg people to be my friend. I appreciate all the people here who have been welcoming and given words of support. I want to ask for people to make a more personal connection. I sense that this is desperate, and not how people make friends. But I am desperate.
I have good qualities. I don't hate myself. I spent years deconstructing how what happened to me was wrong, was not my fault. I still carry a lot of anger and self-doubt though. It's imprinted. My parents told me horrible things. Horrible. I may not hate myself, but I feel like I am no longer fit for the world. Like a severe failure to launch.
The overwhelming emotion these days is terror. Sheer terror at how the hell am I going to take care of myself, support myself, when I've been agoraphobic over a decade now? WHen not terrified, I'm crying or sleeping.
So if this sounds like a fun friend to correspond with, get to know more, let me know here or privately!
I will add, to be sort of positive, that I was not this insanely depressed earlier this year. I had a lot of stuffed feelings but was functioning, going to work, laughing with people. I can almost believe intellectually that that could happen again, but ending my 7 year relationship with PJ is one of many blows to my system that make me wonder if I have ever been a real person or just a huge pile of coping strategies and an expert at (somewhat) passing for normal.
If you don't want to sign up to be my buddy, can anyone comment on how they've overcome or learned to deal with abandonment issues? I wonder if I should seek support groups for children raised in foster homes, and if so would I be an imposter?
Thanks for reading all this.
