Overwhelmed And Struggiling

[MMS99!]

Hello. Im new here. I figured out 6 months ago my husband has Ptsd but my husband has known for years and never told me. He is finally in therapy after much begging from the kids and I. He is a veteran and was in the army and in Saudi Arabia for a short time during the gulf war. There was an incident that traumatized him. Its so hard to see him go through what he goes through everyday. The kids and I have tried to be there for him and help in any way we can, but he mostly shuts us out. I know no one personally that loves someone with Ptsd. Im overwhelmed and struggling and have been feeling so alone. I have been researching for almost 2 months and have been reading a book about Ptsd to try and educate myself as much as I can. But I still feel like I dont know what Im doing and am failing miserably. We have been married 17 years and together 18. We have 3 children, 2 from his previous marriage, our son is 23 and our daughter is 22 that we have raised and 1 together, our daughter that is 16. Our marriage hasnt been perfect but pretty good. For the first 10 years off and on we struggled with trust issues due to porn and hiding things from me and being dishonest. In 2011 I had enough and told him I cant keep doing this. He cried and begged me not to leave. He said he would go to therapy for the porn and deciet. He did. And stopped with all of it and I trusted him again completely for 5 and a half years. But this last year, he was becoming more stressed, agitated and withdrawn. Spending more time on his phone. By August he was on his phone constantly and wasnt trying to connect with us much at all. I would talk to him every few months to try and see what was going on and he would say dont worry baby, everything is fine. I have a back injury and this last year especially I havent been able to do things as often as I usually could and I felt horrible and told him Im sorry for being a horrible wife and he kept saying your not a horrible wife and dont worry baby we will get through this. By October, he was on his phone so much that if I interupted him to tell him something or have conversation, he would get angry. The wheels in my head started turning and I started thinking either he was viewing porn again or having an emotional affair. On Oct 14, I tried talking to him about it all. I was honest and told him my concerns. All it did was make him angry. He said hurtful things and told me he didnt know if he wanted to work on things or stay married. I kept asking him why he felt that way and he said more mean and hurtful things. The whole time Im thinking, this is not my husband at all. Finally the light bulb went off and I said, this isnt about us, this is the Ptsd and he can get help and we can work through this and he exploded and told me he would push the kids and I away and he would serve me divorce papers. I was thinking wtf? Since then he is being dishonest with me again and hiding things from me again. And he has been on his phone almost constantly, being secretive, turning the phone away if I am sitting next to him, hiding the phone if I walk in the room or if the kids walk in the room. I asked several times who are you talking to? No one. What are you trying to hide. Nothing. I told him I know what Im seeing and Im not crazy. At first he told me he was talking to 1 person that was a friend of his. He blamed me for "having to hide it from me and be dishonest with me about it" which is what he does everytime he is dishonest with me. He continued to be secretive and hide his phone when I walked in the room. I kept asking him why is he still trying to hide what he is doing on his phone. He said he is hiding nothing. Finally, he told me he is talking to a mutual friend in the military of him and his ex wife on facebook, but when I checked both friends lists there is no one by the name he gave me on either friend list. Im about at my wits end. He has almost completely shut me out. Refuses marriage or family therapy at this point. He wont even let me meet his therapist. Now he is saying "as it stands now he isnt thinking divorce" but he wants to go to his moms and stay for a month he says to figure out why his anxiety and stress increases on his way home from work and at home. I dont beileve thats why he wants to go to his moms. In fact because of his dishonesty I dont beileve a lot that he says. I can handle all the venom he spews at me but the fact I feel like I cant trust him is a huge problem for me. I feel crazy. I feel guilty for trying to talk with him and work through things because it makes him more anxious and stressed. I question if Im being selfish. But I also feel like a door mat. Im do confused. Any input, advice etc would be appreciated. Sorry its such a long post.

 

[MoonOwl]

Hi M, I'm new here too. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's not easy watching someone you love struggle and being left in confusion and doubt yourself. If there's one suggestion I have, it's to get help for yourself. Your husband is not the only one who is in pain here. The best thing you can do for him (and certainly your children) is to help yourself.
I would also suggest finding a good Alanon meeting. Your husband doesn't have to have a substance problem for you to benefit from the support you can find in this program. You can draw a lot of strength from hearing other people's stories of "experience, stregnth and hope." There is a saying in Alanon: "Detach with Love." This means pull your energy out of your husband's head and put it back where it belongs in your own. When we are faced with this kind of situation, our desire to "fix" it, often becomes part of the problem. We find that all of our thoughts and energy are sucked into the black hole of our significant other. We forget that we are people too. Many of us have found that we cannot "detach" from another peacefully or with love but only in anger. The fact is that whatever he's doing or not doing will not be helped or stopped in any way by your actions. He is the only one who is in control of his behavior. You have one option really, and that is to take control of yours.
I had a similar situation which in many ways is ongoing. I finally found these principles and realized that my childhood set me up to be the perfect codependent. When I finally took responsibility for that and starting living in my own head, things got better between us and got better in general. Miracles can happen and that was one of mine. The answers that we seek are never with the other person. They're always with ourselves. Work on getting yourself healthy. Blessings.