Panic attacks - Suddenly crying

[Alien0n3arth]

Crying for absolutely no reason. It happens at work or at home. I’m quiet, calm, patient, I usually have my “neutral mood” as I call it. I usually feel nothing emotionally, just wandering in my world, wondering how the temple in Abydos was built or the lines in Nazca or creating new combinations of magnets for my experiments which I had to stop because of my toddler. It happens at work that I cry.

We have a loud heating system and I work in a warehouse. I use my earplugs and my manager and colleagues are fine with it. Sometimes I forget to put them. And after some time spent there I suddenly start crying and shaking and I feel it shakes me from the inside. But why?

I don’t have any flashbacks, I feel usually well, sometimes have fatigue also do t know why and I have no feelings, no bad feelings, no fear of anything or at least I don’t recognize any feelings. But I remember from my childhood I used to have emotions and I felt them somehow physically they were strong but I couldn’t identify and express them also talk about them or stand up for myself. I was kind of blocked.

But I did have emotions. After the terrible abuse I experienced I feel nothing and sometimes force myself to start feeling something but it’s hard. 10 years have passed and it’s slowly getting better. I have no issues with intimacy I still crave it and I have it with my husband although the trauma included sexual abuse. But I have unexplained and unexpected stress especially in loud and chaotic environments. I always had it since my childhood but what bothers me is that now I don’t even recognize the moment when it’s too much for me. Because i feel nothing.

Any experience or advice would be appreciated. I have my therapist but I have to wait long for my next appointment.

 

[Sideways]

I went through a period where I did the spontaneous crying. It’s a pretty strange thing to experience, especially when the internal emotional experience is ‘totally numb’.

You may find that you relate a lot to descriptions of chronic dissociation. That’s a coping mechanism our brain adopts when we are carrying way too much stress/distress too much of the time.

Alternatively, you may relate more to ‘emotional numbness’. Which is typically from the same root issue: waaaay too much unresolved distress sitting in your system.

The PTSD Stress Cup analogy provides a good explanation as to why that happens so often with PTSD.

The way out? Is often investing a load of time in self care activities, and activities that will help you reduce your level of stress. That could be anything from going for a run to doing yoga each morning to having a long soak in the tub in the evening to playing guitar to…

 

[arfie]

may i vent a bit of envy here? after 50 years of psychotherapy, i remain far more likely to erupt violently than to burst out in tears. those violent eruptions get me into trouble, more often than not. that 50 years of psychotherapy has softened tthe eruptions far enough that it has been a decade or two since i've been arrested for them, but they still cause all too many hurt feelings. i would love to be able to cry out my grief and distress, but? ? ? i is what i is and i ain't what i ain't. many of my sibs-in-healing believe with me that the diff is personality. same symptom, different response. i am aggressive by nature.

vent over. returning the thread to you. . .

what you are calling "a neutral mood" sounds an awful lot like what i call, "the mask." sometimes i call it, "my game face." by whatever name, ^it^ is what allows me to put all my psycho baggage in the background while i deal with the confusing business of being an adult. ^it^ can be a dangerous tool because of the repression factor. if i don't take care to unpack and clean out that psycho baggage on a routine basis, the stress toxins, etc., will accumulate until the eruptions start happening at the most inconvenient of moments.

dunno if it applies to your case, or not. just sharing. . .

steadying support while you sort your own,

 

[Alien0n3arth]

My neutral mood means it’s neither good or bad mood, not happy or sad. Just calm. But when many people come, interrupt my tasks that are well structured, talk to me, expect answers but I need more time to process it all, I get stressed. And if it’s too much, additionally it’s loud there then I start crying. I heard I behave like a shy girl but I’m 36. I’m peaceful by nature so I hardly ever get aggressive outbursts. As a teenager I had terrible meltdowns if some of my belongings were misplaced. I worked on that trigger moment to identify and control and I finally won with them. I didn’t want to have these outbursts but they used to happen a lot, afterwards was terribly ashamed.

 

[Alien0n3arth]

I went through a period where I did the spontaneous crying. It’s a pretty strange thing to experience, especially when the internal emotional experience is ‘totally numb’.

You may find that you relate a lot to descriptions of chronic dissociation. That’s a coping mechanism our brain adopts when we are carrying way too much stress/distress too much of the time.

Alternatively, you may relate more to ‘emotional numbness’. Which is typically from the same root issue: waaaay too much unresolved distress sitting in your system.

The PTSD Stress Cup analogy provides a good explanation as to why that happens so often with PTSD.

The way out? Is often investing a load of time in self care activities, and activities that will help you reduce your level of stress. That could be anything from going for a run to doing yoga each morning to having a long soak in the tub in the evening to playing guitar to…

Unfortunately I have very little to no time for myself and my favorite activities. I have ideas for projects I would make but no time. And no energy, I’m a mother of a toddler.

 

[Sideways]

Ah, yes - toddlers leave very little space for self care. Rest assured, that gets easier!

If there’s parent groups in your area, they can be an incredibly important resource for support and, all on their own, can make things just a little easier and less isolating.

 

[Alien0n3arth]

Ah, yes - toddlers leave very little space for self care. Rest assured, that gets easier!

If there’s parent groups in your area, they can be an incredibly important resource for support and, all on their own, can make things just a little easier and less isolating.

I asked about groups in general but was told there are only for people with drugs and alcohol issues. It’s good that there are groups for them but I would appreciate if there was a group just for people, parents or people with social challenges etc. I will try to figure it out.

 

[Friday]

Unfortunately I have very little to no time for myself and my favorite activities. I have ideas for projects I would make but no time. And no energy, I’m a mother of a toddler.

One of my favorite tricks at that age, was to NOT come straight home (or straight to to preschool/daycare/etc.) from work/school/etc., but to stop at a cafe, or similar, about 2 minutes away from picking up my kid/kiddos… and… go to the bathroom, wash my face, change my clothes, and just SIT for 15-30 minutes. Have an espresso, have a snack, read a book, etc., etc., etc.. All of the “coming home from work” things, just not at home. And not with exhausted/cranky/frantic/hair-triggered me + them. (They’re exhausted from their day & either hyper-hyper-hyper, or emotional maelstroms + me durn near in the same state?!? The sheer amount of effort it took, I wasn't fully aware of, until I started taking time between shifting gears, to blow off some steam). My energy levels finally started rebounding back to “me”, as my stress levels lowered, and my self-control was no longer in the “skin of my teeth” range.

Such a small amount of time, so much difference made.

Ditto, I shifted things around so that

- I had a 24hr period once a week kid-free (Sleepover & “Day With ______”). I went to bed when I wanted, slept until I woke up (which was like the moment I got home from dropping TheKiddo off on his adventures till noon or 3pm those first few weeks, long term sleep dep had me dead to the world; later my wakeups ranged from around 4am to 10am, depending on how late I’d stayed up the night before). Going to bed when I wanted. Sleeping when I wanted. Eating when I wanted. Doing what I wanted. When I wanted. How I wanted. OMFG. Flooding relief, followed by flooding energy.

- For the next solid 10 years, or so, every 3 months I had a whole WEEK off. (School break camps, for the most part. Both day camps & sleep away). Again, he was adventuring and so so so excited/thrilled/happy. So he looked forward to them almooooost as much as I did!

Eeeeeeeeveryone has their shortlist of fave “surviving toddler years”… but I didn’t realize until MUCH later how many of my best/fave/beloved tricks… were PTSD tricks & outright PTSD treatments.

So this is NOT of a “Hey! Do this! My way!” And waaaaaaay more of an encouragement to try rubix’ing things around in your life, even if it looks weird, or seems counterintuitive… because taking care of your/mine/anyone’s very serious & real disorder/condition makes life better for everyone (I was a much better mom/person/human)… rather than not doing things to help yourself because MomGuilt.


I sooooooo wish I’d had the The ptsd cup explanation in my life back then. Because whilst I eventually reinvented the wheel, it would have been awesome to have a template.

 

[thursday]

I relate to and recognize parts of your post. When is something to much for me? I let things go on for too long too. I am learning through therapy at which point I get out of my window of tolerance. I need to stay within the lines actually. But this is very difficult to see where that border is. One moment you can handle something, a sound for example and than suddenly, something snaps in my head. I go from green to red and are not able to see the orange light.
at your work you wear earplugs because you are probably overstimulated by the heating sound. Perhaps there is too much going on in your head.
My head was overflowing with recycled thoughts and what have you. I guess you have coped so long by putting the abuse so far away in your mind and blocked out bad feelings. But now is the time that your past is coming out of your system. ( if you want it or not)
Don't worry and don't fight it. It might be scary and strange and things will get better, slowly. I don't know if your boss/ manager knows that you visit a psychologist, but be open about this. You don't have to tell them what happened. But you can tell them you're diagnosed with PTSD, for them to better understand what's going on with you.
A song by Pink Floyd; Comfortably Numb, gets very close what you described about having no feelings.