rightkindofme
MyPTSD Pro
I decided when I was 17 that I wanted to home school my future children. I went to college, got a teaching credential, went through a masters program and then taught in public schools for years. I have been a lead teacher or assistant teacher at every level from preschool through basic university writing classes. I was a very good teacher to other people's children. I was highly respected by my union, coworkers, parents, and students. I went above and beyond and I viewed children failing my class as a sign that I was failing as a teacher so I figured out whatever I had to do to help a child learn my subject.
My oldest is 11; my middle child is 9. They wanted to try school when we moved to Scotland. Neither of my children are neuro-typical. (The baby is still amorphous.) When we arrived in the school the teachers and staff were incredibly negative and repeatedly talked about how my children were going to be incredibly behind because of all of the "interrupted learning". I asked them to test the kids and then we could have a conversation about how to help the kids catch up. They tested the kids. They really suck at handwriting but their father and I both have terrible handwriting as well. It's a discrete physical skill. In every other way they tested at grade level or above. My oldest tested so highly in mathematics that the teacher said they have no idea what level she is actually at because their test can't go high enough. They are both strong readers with really good comprehension and ability to analyze characters and plot that rivals many of the seniors in high school I used to teach.
They left after three months because of bullying issues. I'm not going to leave my kids in school so they can be hit nearly daily and have other parents come on campus to intimidate them for standing up to kids who are hitting them. The school agreed that my children were not the instigators. The kids who were hitting my children said they did it because my kids were annoying. The school told me kids to figure out how to not be so annoying. Oh go to hell.
I am writing today because I had an interaction on a parenting board with a teacher from this country and it stomped all over my anxieties and I need to not take this feeling out on my kids. The teacher was quite rude as she expressed that the country guidelines about standards and expected learning outcomes are really the bare minimum and she worries that my children won't be up to snuff when it comes time for major external testing.
I hate that some ignorant stranger popping off her mouth means I want to go back to drilling my kids with extreme vigor. My kids are as advanced as they are for many reasons but on the list: I was always afraid that my kids would be deficient in a subject area and it would reflect poorly on me as a parent/teacher so I push them really hard. I desperately want to relax about this but it's so hard. Part of the reason I home school is because that way I am the one responsible for making sure they are ok and I don't have to fret about them being let down by other teachers.
I had a very mixed school experience. I had some great teachers and a lot of truly terrible ones. My husband had a bad experience pretty much all the way through university. We both left high school early to go to university early because we could not be challenged at high school.
It is hard to trust that I am doing enough. I rarely feel like what I have done is enough. I rarely feel like my children are getting what they deserve. I had my children evaluated by Stanford before we moved because I wanted to see if they were clearly deficient in learning and they needed to be put in school. Stanford told me that I have created the ideal learning environment and my children are doing extremely well.
But here we are in Scotland with teachers who don't even know my kids telling me that they don't think I can do well enough. And it sends me into this shame/anxiety spiral. I want to go spend a bunch of the day crying because I'm afraid I'm failing my kids. Being good enough for them is pretty much my motivation for doing everything I do. It hurts when people imply that I am failing them.
Not long ago I cut off one of my longest term relationships because she told me that the way I am raising my children is going to make them retarded. She said she meant it "in the medical sense so I shouldn't get offended". She has no medical education, no background in childhood education or development. But she wants to make sure I know her medical opinion about how I am wrecking my kids.
It's hard not to feel really bad about myself sometimes.
My oldest is 11; my middle child is 9. They wanted to try school when we moved to Scotland. Neither of my children are neuro-typical. (The baby is still amorphous.) When we arrived in the school the teachers and staff were incredibly negative and repeatedly talked about how my children were going to be incredibly behind because of all of the "interrupted learning". I asked them to test the kids and then we could have a conversation about how to help the kids catch up. They tested the kids. They really suck at handwriting but their father and I both have terrible handwriting as well. It's a discrete physical skill. In every other way they tested at grade level or above. My oldest tested so highly in mathematics that the teacher said they have no idea what level she is actually at because their test can't go high enough. They are both strong readers with really good comprehension and ability to analyze characters and plot that rivals many of the seniors in high school I used to teach.
They left after three months because of bullying issues. I'm not going to leave my kids in school so they can be hit nearly daily and have other parents come on campus to intimidate them for standing up to kids who are hitting them. The school agreed that my children were not the instigators. The kids who were hitting my children said they did it because my kids were annoying. The school told me kids to figure out how to not be so annoying. Oh go to hell.
I am writing today because I had an interaction on a parenting board with a teacher from this country and it stomped all over my anxieties and I need to not take this feeling out on my kids. The teacher was quite rude as she expressed that the country guidelines about standards and expected learning outcomes are really the bare minimum and she worries that my children won't be up to snuff when it comes time for major external testing.
I hate that some ignorant stranger popping off her mouth means I want to go back to drilling my kids with extreme vigor. My kids are as advanced as they are for many reasons but on the list: I was always afraid that my kids would be deficient in a subject area and it would reflect poorly on me as a parent/teacher so I push them really hard. I desperately want to relax about this but it's so hard. Part of the reason I home school is because that way I am the one responsible for making sure they are ok and I don't have to fret about them being let down by other teachers.
I had a very mixed school experience. I had some great teachers and a lot of truly terrible ones. My husband had a bad experience pretty much all the way through university. We both left high school early to go to university early because we could not be challenged at high school.
It is hard to trust that I am doing enough. I rarely feel like what I have done is enough. I rarely feel like my children are getting what they deserve. I had my children evaluated by Stanford before we moved because I wanted to see if they were clearly deficient in learning and they needed to be put in school. Stanford told me that I have created the ideal learning environment and my children are doing extremely well.
But here we are in Scotland with teachers who don't even know my kids telling me that they don't think I can do well enough. And it sends me into this shame/anxiety spiral. I want to go spend a bunch of the day crying because I'm afraid I'm failing my kids. Being good enough for them is pretty much my motivation for doing everything I do. It hurts when people imply that I am failing them.
Not long ago I cut off one of my longest term relationships because she told me that the way I am raising my children is going to make them retarded. She said she meant it "in the medical sense so I shouldn't get offended". She has no medical education, no background in childhood education or development. But she wants to make sure I know her medical opinion about how I am wrecking my kids.
It's hard not to feel really bad about myself sometimes.