Parenting With Ptsd

[MomofFour]

I have four little ones and since my husband's death, the weight of the PTSD has effected my parenting. I'm active in therapy and find it validating. I find myself agitated, sensitive to noise, find it difficult to make a lot of decisions and have a low frustration tolerance. I feel so bad for the kids because my parenting has dramatically changed: short tempered, want to socially isolate, and not very engaged as I used to be. Is this "normal" for others with PTSD, too? I sometimes don't recognize myself, this new person. If you can relate to what I'm typing, what has helped you improve the parent-child relationship? I do not want them to suffer from my PTSD. I appreciate your thoughts greatly.

 

[Heather]

Wow, you're doing it with 4! I give you oodles of credit. I can barely do it with one. I can relate to all of what you are describing. Last summer I couldn't get off the couch. I have no interest in playing with my daughter (still). She doesn't even ask anymore. It makes me sad.

I'm a little bit stabler now. Although, I have trouble concentrating and I can't help her do her math h.w. Which is humiliating (she's in 1st grade). Just can't wrap my brain around it.

I don't know what to tell you except that I've accepted the fact that this is where I am right now. And I have to be okay with it or else it'll drive me crazy otherwise.

Hang in there. Hugs. Heather

 

[Xibalba]

I have lost my son, pretty much. He was already living with my first wife (I got married young, so that was a short marriage, but we wound up with a great kid.) He's 19 now, and the ex spent those years constantly alienating him from me, but I was able to fight it pretty well and we had a great relationship until my PTSD event. Then it all went to hell, giving the ex more ammunition to alienate him, with me too weak and confused to properly assert myself. So I stopped taking my visitation (which was probably best anyway, since I was not doing well at first) and that turned into him losing interest in no time. I did finally have two visits with him, one where he lives (another state) and one where he visited me. Unfortunately, I had a my first fainting attack when he was with me (later diagnosed as vasovagal syncope due to panic attack) and I lost a lot of respect in his eyes. He hasn't shown any empathy, but instead almost disgust. I just can't fight it anymore, so I've lost him. He never calls, and just recently I found he was down near me on a vacation and I tried to get him to come by for just a day, but he clearly didn't want to come anywhere near me, and he made excuses. This sucks.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My therapist told me I was doing the best I could do and that my step-son would see that. He was right. My s-son thanks me often for the wonderful job I did raising him. I home schooled him when I was going through the worst of my symptoms almost 19 years ago. Some days I could barely function and that didn't seem to matter to him as long as we did things together and he learned. He mostly learned from experience. Several years later he learned several trades through his father while remodeling our house. He still uses those trades today.

 

[Antahkarana]

I am a mom of four too. It is a very difficult task to parent with PTSD. I hope you are getting some kind of support from a counselor to help you through this? I hope I haven't scared my children for life with the "fits" I've had. For me I zone out a lot and can spend hours or even days in my room at my worst times. Usually that is after I have blown up or lost it or had another flashback. I have pushed myself so hard through the fatigue before but I would get seriously physically ill trying to ignore my bodys needs. It is hard work processing all this mental stuff! But through all this there are good periods too. My children know about my illness and we treat it as that. Being a single mom most of the time during my parenting experience I didn't have a partner to help so it's important to be honest with the kids even at a young age and ask for a little help. We also talk a lot about feelings and do a lot of drawing and art therapy. It was so hard to play with my kids I could never do it but the art and projects are fun and it can be reassuring to them to connect with you. That is what they really are yearning for. Kids are very understanding they just need to know you love them and want them.
I'm currently going through a bad period so if you ever need to talk or vent I'll be checking in a lot here.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Wow, what a rough time! I am so sorry you are going through this. Hats off to you, that is just a ton of work.

I have a bunch of kids, preschool to college. My T has really encouraged me to getting more outside help. Camp, babysitters, etc. And it has helped alot. Irritable mom isn't happy mom and the kids arent happy. I felt guilty at first for not being able to do it all, but now I see how giving us space from each other makes us all much happier.

Is there anything you can do to get more free time or any extra help you can get?

 

[Brontie]

Let them play and distract each other. Designating a safe room for them to play on their own when you know you are feeling particularly sensitive to noise. My hubby was away a lot and I struggled to bring up three kids.

The depression kept me home a lot and isolated. It was a God send when the kids began school. It gave me the time I needed to relax and also to work through stuff. Knowing I only had to cope with them playing for a few hours, then tea time, and soon bedtime helped.

It was tough distancing myself from them but I was determined that I wouldn’t put them through what my abusive dad put us through. So I worked to do what I could for them when I was feeling strong and distance myself a little emotionally and sometimes physically when I wasn’t. Calling on the help of family members to have the kids on occasion helped too.

Mine are much older now and we have had 'the talk'. I asked them what they remember, and was I as bad as I think I was at times. They tell me I worry too much and that they did just fine.

I occasionally lament to my sister about some regrets I have of those times. And when she gets tired of hearing this she raises her voice and says "They're still alive and they're talking to you. You must have done something right!"

Looking back, it was a tough time. But I would rather send them to their room to play than yell and shout at them or, god forbid, hit them.

 

[ragdoll]

Momoffour, you are a strong person to make it this far. Keep going, small steps at a time. Frustrating as it can be, those steps do become bigger.

It is hard having PTSD and raising a young family. I can really relate to your symptoms you are experiencing, and it can be scary and depressing. Dealing with your PTSD and also helping your children cope with their loss would be so trying.

It's really hard finding the old mum hiding but with time and a little effort from myself and the kids, we are getting there. I have 3 children 8, 11 & 13. I was fearful of PTSD (still am to a degree) and was concerned about inflicting my adult fears onto my children.
I read somewhere when a family member has PTSD everyone living with that member shares PTSD to some certain degree.
Everyone copes differently. If one thing I post helps someone I am grateful. This is what I do to help my children, hubby and me to"cope".......

• When I do have an "episode" I talk to my children briefly about what has happened and use some of their experiences when they have suffered some form of sadness, anxiety or anger . ie - being tired and watching a sad movie, first day of school, being annoyed with friends or with each other etc.
• I let them know my body has become tired and it's hard to keep up with things sometimes. Just like a running race. Sometimes (alot) I need to rest to get that energy back but it may take longer than usual.
• School days are good because I can get some time out. Weekends and night times are really tiring because of the constant noise. Are your children at school? If not, do you have someone to help look after the children (even if it is at home) while you take some timeout?
• Try and reduce as much workload at home as possible. I have jobs set out for the kids to help them become independent but also to "help mum." I try to encourage their efforts with positive genuine thanks (can be so hard and draining) but it's uplifng to see the pride in their little faces. Oh, and they do get rewards - they're too smart to know mum can give out something. :D My older children help my younger child with her reading and homework if it is becoming too much for me. My 13 year old bakes alot, so that helps out with afternoon and morning teas. Do you have someone who could make morning/afternoon teas for you if you provide the ingredients and they could make a batch for themselves? The clothes go in the dryer or the kids take the washing off the line and lie it flat while doing so. I close the bedroom doors and ignore the mess!!
• When coming of meds and trying new ones I had an energy boost. I decluttered by putting lots of things in boxes and putting them out of the way. Some have gone to charity. Some are waiting to be looked at again cause I can't remember what I put in them. Maybe that's where my slippers are?????? :confused: Are you able to do something like this or have someone help you?
• In the past I would never have a TV in my room. It has been so valuable for me since having PTSD. When really struggling I have timeout and watch a dvd. I leave my door open and my children are able to come and have "quiet time" with me. It's a great time for hugs. I also will read no brainer magazines on my bed and my children join me by reading next to me. Crosswords and word finds have been a great distraction (couldn't do them at 1st but have built up to it). The kids also help me with them. Even colouring in!

Parenting doesn't come easily. It sounds like a cliche' - Hang in there, little steps and remind yourself of the little things you do for your kids. When I was told to have look at these things, it took a while, but I realised I wasn't such an ogre as I thought I was. Mind you, we all get our Grumpy Green Days :alien: but that's o.k. and if we do feel like we did it crappy we can always try again.

Warmest thoughts of you and your family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS. I tell my kids when I'm having a Green Day. They also let me know when they are having a Green Day. Sometimes they can't tell me - we just deal with it as it comes with the skills we do have and often 2nd guessing.
Just like parenting...............

 

[RoxySoCalEW]

Does anyone have any tips for very young kids? Toddlers/babies? My son is 13 months old, and I have problems with wanting to isolate from him too. I sometimes feel like the best way to protect him is to stay away from him, but of course a 13 month old doesn't understand any of this and he shouldn't suffer for want of his mama.. But then he gets agitated and upset if I'm distant or angry or crying. I don't know the proper way to go about shielding him from my symptoms while still being a good mother.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Just a few thoughts

Maybe think quality not quantity. Maybe spending time away from him is good if the time you spend together is more attentive. Just make sure the attention he gets in the mean time is attentive (a good day care or sitter or a healthy family member)

Work hard on your recovery because you owe it to him. When you want to give up, quit therapy, slide back...think about him and what it will do to him (I think of my 4 year old daughter specifically when I feel these ways). You might not care how it will affect you, but you will care how it will affect him.

Talk to your therapist about this issue, be honest and accept advice

Join play groups. Force yourself to be social with your child and see other moms (healthy moms!) interact with their children

Look for a parenting support group...check your local hospital. Ask your therapist.

Vent! Join an online parenting board and ask questions and vent concerns (make sure you are filtering the advice for what is sound and what is crappy advice)

Consider a back pack. If he is small enough, wearing him in a hiking backpack when you are feeling unable to interact will give him stimulation and you a tiny break

Take breaks! Try to take them before you get totally overwhelmed. Mini-mindfullness breaks through out the whole day.

Get on a schedule and schedule in your breaks when you can occupy him (i.e. after breakfast, let him play with his toys for 20 minutes while you get centered).

Know him playing on his own for chunks of time or being away from you is healthy, not harmful. You don't have to be 24/7 to be a good mom.

If you can not handle it, call for help. If you think you will abuse him, ask for help.

Make sure you are allowing his father to contribute to his upbringing and let him know what you need to help you be a healthier mom.

These are just some tips...I got through the early years with my kids before starting therapy but very much with PTSD symptoms. I developed quite a few good habits that helped, but I screwed up quite a bit as well. Overall, my kids are thriving and I owe that to therapy. But alot of these strategies helped me survive those early years.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I want to add *if the father is healthy ask for his help and allow his help. Sadly, sometimes that isn't the case. But in my case I never asked my husband for help because I didn't think I deserved it and that I shouldn't need it. He in turn enjoyed not having to to much with the kids. It was something I had to work on.

 

[RoxySoCalEW]

Thank you, I appreciate the advice. My husband is actually the primary caretaker, he's a student and at this point he has more time at home with our son than I do, so I try to make my time count. Luckily, no matter what is going on with either of us, our son receives plenty of love and attention from us and his daycare provider (whom he adores), so I think he'll be ok. It's just really difficult for me, because after being at work all day having to pretend to be normal, I don't like having to come home and continue pretending. Sometimes it's really hard for me to hold it together for my son but I try, and I very much want to be a good, involved, happy, fun mom. Hopefully when I start therapy this week I can get some more constructive tips. Thanks though, I appreciate what you've shared.