Part is hiding?

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R
Yes. There is a very definite place she goes and is usually with my grandma. I told my therapist that I am worried that I can’t find her, she seems to be hiding. Then my T said, “she’s been taking care of herself for a very long time.” I don’t even know what to make of that statement. It wasn’t said meanly. Was she trying to stop me from using disassociation as a defense mechanism? I just don’t know.

Then, after emdr, she had resurfaced and we put her back in the safe place.

 

[Wendell_R]

“she’s been taking care of herself for a very long time.”

I wonder if this means that this part is so use to being alone and self-reliant that she's not used to being available. With practice, I think you'll find her easier to find.

 

[grit]

if you know she is hiding, then she is not hiding but trying to be recognized, loved and welcomed.

 

[Skywatcher]

I did emdr yesterday. We decided to store everything in a book this time. My T reminded me that my younger part need not be stored in the book. So, later I realized that even though the scene involves things being done to her I couldn’t tell if she was there, more like a shell of her. At that point I had a vision of her hiding under the bed and a need to mentally hide there. Later, when I got in bed, I literally felt as though she crawled into my arms and I held her into me and cried. It was a nice moment. And, I know that none of this is “real.” It’s me sorting through coping and emotions. It just feels real in the moment, much like a flashback.

 

[Wendell_R]

It was a nice moment. And, I know that none of this is “real.”

A lot of the EMDR and parts work I've been doing has led to experiences that are not "real", but that seem to be deeply healing. Recently, I've brought my mother in to join my therapist, who is reading to the young me. My mom is finally learning to be a parent. In reality, she died many decades ago, so what is changing is the picture in my head. I find it really useful and soothing.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R that is wonderful! We have brought my young part to sit with us during tapping. My T has encouraged me to include her when I am on my own as well. This stuff really does help, as weird as it is.

 

[Wendell_R]

We have brought my young part to sit with us during tapping.

When I do EMDR, sometimes my young ones sit on the sofa with their safe people while I am in a different chair doing EMDR. Other times (actually quite often), one of the Littles will do EMDR. But we had to start really slowly with EMDR for the Littles, getting each one used to the "tapping machine" as they call it.

I find the elasticity of memories that EMDR promotes to be really useful in other, non-EMDR ways. When an old memory of me acting out pops into my head, I normally just try to push it away gently. But if that memory keeps recurring, I spend some time imagining a modified memory--the same situation, but with a safe person (like my therapist) added in. The safe person defuses the memory. After a while, the old memory never comes up except with my safe person there, and it is no longer tempting me to act out.

This stuff really does help, as weird as it is.

It's hard to believe, isn't it? I'm glad you're making it through. I know it's a tough path.