Part Of Me Is Stuck In 1999

[canucklady]

I had therapy session today. Therapist saw was having trouble staying focused. I told her the same thing was happening this week, felt like was watching therapy session from across the room, only wasnt really me watching, it was younger version of me, like me 10 years ago when was with bf. She told me this is normal, only I am thinking this is crazy. She said it was depersonalization.

Her office is in a mall, and just outside her office there are lots of doors that seem to be loud when shut, which caused me to jump almost out of my chair. Then T knew I was not really with her, so I told her part of me was across the room.

T asked what year this part thought it was...and 1999 came out of nowhere. Then she asked me to go back to 1999 and bring this part to present. I had no clue what she was talking about, but figured would give it a shot.

I imagined going back to old apartment with T. Then saw younger me in bedroom, crying and bleedng. T wanted me to "rescue" younger me but I panicked. Next thing I know T is trying to bring me back to present.

T has a list of good events that happened past 10 years to calm me down, it usually does, but this time took longer to remember those events and bring images to mind.

I understand a little more of why I get confused sometimes, this part is scared that bf is still around and when t told her he is not, she doesnt believe t. Not sure what to do about this. And tonight cant keep from shaking, like am still partly stuck there too.

Not sure can handle processing these memories from the past, not sure am strong enough. Am exhausted tonight.

 

[Artista]

I think I have had a degree of depersonalization for the best part of the past 20+ years, on and off. Must admit... I haven't been able to get to the trauma details yet... only in bits and pieces and hearing your account terrifies me.

It doesn't sound like the best location for an office... the offices I have been exposed to when I was searching for a therapist, have been either in their home or a building that seems home-like or an office that is very quiet. I can see this location would be a feeling of unrest... lack of security. At least it would for me. Do you really feel safe with her? I mean is this particular therapist/client relationship worth the rest to you? Seems you have worked with her for a period of time.

It is bound to be unsettling when you get closer to these events and facing them. Part of you taking charge and helping the "you" this happened to. I get it, but maybe you just did enough this time to help you later? I dunno. I wish I had answers. Your thread brings up more questions for me than answers for you... sorry. In some ways it sounds like a breakthrough. You probably just haven't had time to process it yet???

Hope things are settling down. Thinking of you...

 

[canucklady]

How Do I Get Unstuck?

I am not sure what to make of this part, been denying for so long that have parts as dont really fit DID like totally different personality, more like its me only different ages sometimes

It is a fine line between working through trauma and destabilizing. again a part of me just wants to go ahead and get on with it, which tells t that i am ready. then scared part takes over and then am stuck in this big mess, not going forward at all.

 

[canucklady]

all of this is so scary to me and so out of ordinary. I like things to be logical and in control and right now am feeling so out of control. Like not knowing what I am telling T is session is very frustrating to me, because how am I supposed to get better if I dont even remember what is being said to me. I hate all this. Plus what happened is in the past and I should be over it by now. Why I cant move on is a mystery to me. There are people who have gone through much worse and are doing well, why am I being so weak about trauma. Yeah, so ex hurt me, so what, its over, should be able to move on. Why do I have to feel the feelings and go through it all again? Over and over in nightmares