Sufferer Partner Of Addict

[christina18]

This is the first forum that came up in my search, but I don't really know what I am looking for. My husband has been a sexual addict for a very long time, since he was young. I knew a little bit about his addiction (mainly porn and communicating with people via the internet) before we got married and knew it was only a matter of time before he told me the whole story. His full disclosure was last summer. I don't want to get into my whole situation in such a generic forum, so if you know of a more specific place for this discussion please let me know.

thank you

 

[Friday]

Do either of you have PTSD?

Hope & Help for Family & Friends of Sexaholics
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[Deleted member 42433]

I'm in same boat. I had no idea my husband had a sex addiction. He was so skilled at lying and compartmentalizing that no one knew. S-ANON is not my cup of tea. I don't agree with the whole "co-addict" theory and I refuse to take any responsibility in his nonsense. I also struggle with the higher power business. However, it can be helpful to hear other partners stories. It makes me feel less alone. Also, take an inventory of your symptoms. Many, many spouses of sex addicts develope ptsd as a result of the emotional anhialation.

 

[Friday]

Many, many spouses of sex addicts develope ptsd as a result of the emotional anhialation.

Meant kindly... Nope! :) People can't get PTSD from emotional distress, no matter how catastrophic. They can get many other things, that are often -IMO- worse than PTSD, but not this disorder itself. Not only is the cause missing (death, threatened death, sexual assault*), but while some of the symptoms may be the same, the treatment for those symptoms is wildly different.

A trap people often fall into, because PTSD represents one possible outcome of the worst-of-the-worst of trauma... Is using PTSD like a pain scale, like PTSD = the worst of the worst of pain. So if you hurt bad enough? PTSD. If not PTSD? Then you don't really hurt that much. When, first off, PTSD isn't a pain scale. In fact, a lot of qualifying trauma doesn't necessarily "hurt" at all. A lot of people go completely calm, or numb, or even enjoy themselves, in life & death situations. But secondly, even if the trauma itself was painful at every level? That doesn't mean it hurts more -then or now- than the even the same person losing a child, or being betrayed by the one person they trusted. I'd far rather die screaming, being tortured to death, than to lose my child. It would hurt less. From experience.

That doesn't mean that the spouse of a sex addict can't have PTSD. Just the disorder won't come from their spouse being an addict. But by specific incidences of rape, physical abuse, etc. that may have existed at the same time. Not all sex addicts rape their spouses, or physically abuse them. Just like not all cheaters also rape & abuse their spouses. Just because the betrayal may hurt more than the sexual assault or domestic violence? Doesn't mean that's the cause. Not all terrible things in life can cause PTSD.

*
PTSD Diagnosis - What is PTSD? Understand The Signs of PTSD

PTSD Definition, Symptoms, Risk, Cause and Treatment

 

[Deleted member 42433]

I disagree with that assessment. Although, I am frustrated by the casual self-diagnosis of PTSD, I have been diagnosed repeatedly with C-PTSD as a direct result of discovering my partners secret life. First, I think that you are giving a very limited definition of potential causes of PTSD. Second, discovery that your world is a fantasy feels very much life-threatening to the body and brain. Furthermore, the threat of being unwillingly exposed to disease and infection is also a life-threatening experience. While not yet in the DSM, Compulsive sexual addiction has a ever growing body of research which indicates PTSD is a common diagnosis of partners. I'd recommend doing some extra research before deciding what can/can't cause PTSD.

According to leading psychologists in the field upwards of 70% of partners received diagnosis of PTSD following discovery and/or disclosure.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there!
Sorry for your pain!!
Can I ask why you married him knowing he was an addict? And are you still married?

Read around the forums, lots of information here.
Good luck on your journey.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you been through trauma in the past prior to this relationship?

 

[Deleted member 42433]

I'm not sure about OP but neither I nor anyone else in his life knew of his disordered life. He was masterful.

 

[anthony]

I have been diagnosed repeatedly with C-PTSD as a direct result of discovering my partners secret life.

I want to see that diagnosis please. I want to know which therapist diagnosed you with cPTSD (Complex PTSD) based on your partner cheating on you. I will report them myself for failing to comply with their licensing standards, if based purely upon your partner cheating on you.

According to leading psychologists in the field upwards of 70% of partners received diagnosis of PTSD following discovery and/or disclosure.

The link you attempted to post, which was not allowed due to anti-spam, the writer stated, "She cited data showing that 70% of partners exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."

"Exhibit symptoms" is not "received diagnosis of PTSD" as you have claimed. Misinformation.

The diagnosis of PTSD does not deviate or change based on your, mine, or anyones personal opinion. Therapists do not get the luxury to deviate either. Some do... and they should all be reported for abusing their licensing terms.

Treating people for what is traumatic to them, is vastly different than diagnosing with a disorder that the person does not even meet criterion A for.

It is normal to have symptoms of PTSD when exposed to what people like to call, traumatic events, such as relationship breakdowns, partners cheating and so forth. Symptoms is not a disorder made, or diagnosed. Symptoms are just symptoms, nothing more, nothing less.

You're putting words down here which have not been said by others, but instead you have misinterpreted.

I am not saying your pain is not real. I am not saying that what you have suffered is not devastating for you. I am however saying, you are writing incorrect information as though fact. This is called trolling, when done online, repeatedly. Please stop it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Second, discovery that your world is a fantasy feels very much life-threatening to the body and brain

How in the world does a spouce cheating feel life threatening to the body and the brain? It may feel devistating but life threatening, OMG I'm about to actually die? No! I've been cheated on, while already having undiagnosed PTSD and my world shattered indeed. But in no way did I feel that act/"disclosure" (he didn't tell me, I figured it out on my own) would take my life. I've felt like I would die many times in my childhood. Actually thinking I was going to die. That doesn't even slightly compare. My body and brain did not think my ex cheating was life threatening!

And you may say "well that's what I felt" but the DSM says actual or threatened death. So he had to have threatened to kill you, you actually thought you were about to die, or you saw someone die. Like a battered wife for example.

You may very well disagree but the DSM/ICD isn't open to opinions. It is already written and revised. You are free to disgree but that doesn't make it fact.

And what makes CPTSD complex is longvitiy. Repeated traumas over a longer period of time. So one minute or hour of disclosure that your spouce is cheating or even the time they are and you know it or even the time that they look at porn and you know it is in no way at all complex PTSD. Nor is it trauma at all in my opinion. It sucks, I've been there but not trauma. I had already been through very severe trauma and already had PTSD and likely CPTSD from that past trauma and when my ex cheated it broke my heart and was hard but I was able to pick myself up and move out and refuse to speak to him. As well as get clean from an addiction I had. With PTSD symptoms already there. It doesn't effect me today nor did I need therapy for it and I have rarely brought up my ex in therapy. I don't call that a trauma.

ETA: The times I did bring him up on therapy it was because he was abusive but his cheating has never been brought up or was a passing comment.

 

[Deleted member 42433]

I'm not talking about "cheating." I'm talking about 8 years of a secret life. He was not at all who he purported to be. Finding out that the person you share your life with is an absolute stranger is terrifying. My life was threatened by his consistent unprotected sex with anonymous strangers, prostitutes, etc... We didn't use condoms in our marriage so I had a very real risk of contracting a life threatening illness. Additionally, I'm not "disagreeing" with the DSM. I'm stating a fact that it is a work in progress, that will be revised again. Furthermore, there is a growing body of evidence that shows that this experience does, in fact, commonly result in diagnosis of PTSD. Don't listen to me; do your own research. You seem very offended by my statements so I recommend reading up on the aftermath of this type of discovery/disclosure. I'm not making things up. Finally, I am not interested in providing documentation to you regarding my diagnosis. I have had other trauma that will fit neatly into your box, so you don't have to worry your generous heart about reporting my psychiatrist or any of my psychologists. I didn't realize I had to provide documentation to strangers on the internet. I didn't come here to argue. I came for support. Y'all are mean!

 

[anthony]

Don't listen to me; do your own research.

I have. At present, the best the experts are looking at are separate diagnoses such as post-traumatic relationship syndrome to cover such things, as PTSD does not cover it. This is from the APA themselves. The trauma and stressor category is brand new, and expected to expand -- but that does not mean you fit things into diagnoses where they DO NOT fit.

I have had other trauma that will fit neatly into your box, so you don't have to worry your generous heart about reporting my psychiatrist or any of my psychologists.

See, and that is where all the misleading, troll like, aspects come into it. You could have started with that, instead of the misleading information you have stated. You don't have PTSD or cPTSD from your husbands secret life, which is what you stated:

I have been diagnosed repeatedly with C-PTSD as a direct result of discovering my partners secret life

You have PTSD from actual trauma within your life, which is what your physician has diagnosed you upon. They have not diagnosed you with PTSD / cPTSD because of your husbands sex addiction antics.

Your husbands sex addiction repercussions would absolutely affect underlying symptoms. It is an event in your life that has affected you negatively.

You need to speak with your treating psychiatrist / psychologist IMHO about the facts they diagnosed you upon. It was the trauma you have now mentioned that fits into the criterion A box, not your husbands sex antics.

Having PTSD based on actual traumatic events, then everything in your life is subject to being much worse, and creating heightened symptoms.

Not sure why you didn't simply lead with that -- as that is why you have PTSD -- your husbands sex addiction antics are now causing all those symptoms to inflate and thus cause you havoc within your life.

When you come onto a PTSD community claiming you've been diagnosed with PTSD based on your partners sex addiction, you get this response because you can't be diagnosed with PTSD from that. It does not meet criterion A.

Thank you for straightening out the facts for this.