Supporter Partner Of Ex Paratrooper

[Partner of ex para]

hi , I'm new here and don't really know quite where to start...

I recently split with my partner of five years, and I'm completely heartbroken. He hasn't long been out of the army he was in the parachute regiment for ten years, and served abroad on numerous occasions with the last tour being in Afghanistan. It was his third tour there and the worst one he'd experienced he witnessed his friends being killed in action and a school full of young children caught in crossfire, these are only a couple of things he opened up to me about. The thing is he's completely changed, the man I fell in love with is barely recognisable. He's so angry and aggressive 99% of the time I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, I feel like he's self destructing right in front of me and there's nothing I can do about it. He's always having a go at me, blames me for the break down of the relationship(I admit to some extent it probably was) but there's just no reasoning with him. He smashes my things, pushes me threw things at me so I fell down the stairs weeks after giving birth, called me every name under the sun, falling out with all my family and threatened them and so much more.

Like I said before he went away he was nothing like the man he is today, he's completely destroyed our family I'm desperate for him to get help but he doesn't think he's suffering but to everyone else it's so obvious. I just don't know what to do. Is there any hope in getting my old partner back or shall I just give up? Despite everything he's done I still have a lot of feelings towards him because I know he's ill and this isn't who he is.

 

[anthony]

There is always hope... though he will never be the same person he was. You have to remove that distinction from your thinking, because what was will never be the same again.

Can he heal? Yes. Can he recover and become a much better person? Yes. Unfortunately you cannot achieve any of this for him, and he has to decide to do it for himself. It is unfortunate that really at this stage a supporter can do nothing but watch their partner self-destruct.

Right now, your importance should lay in ensuring you and your child are safe, sound and secure. Get your own life established for you and your child... then if he comes good and wants to work on himself, and on your relationship, take it very slow, live separately and let time tell whether enough change has happened that you and your child won't be within an abusive environment.

This all comes down to him learning when he needs to walk away, calm down, then return after using his cognitive tools to help him, then discuss things with you like he should, without yelling, threats or such.

It takes years to learn those skills after war... don't be fooled by anything claimed sooner, not with that severity of PTSD. I know first hand, and I have a lot of combat veteran friends who endured the same and some to lesser spectrums. I know the severity when I hear it.

 

[BigBear]

Glad you are here!

Bear

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!