Parts That Want Us Dead

[shimmerz]

I am not certain if anyone has specifically addressed this in a posting or not.

I used to have a 'part' that was driven to curling up in ditches and freeze to death. I had another part (or maybe the same one???) that, in the summer, used to curl up in the car despite the fact that it was 30+ degrees Celcius outside. Another that used to try to scald herself in the shower.

I have read other posts where a part(s), with intention, speak about how it intends on killing itself (the host???). I don't even know how to write that, sorry. My parts didn't voice an intention, but there was no doubt about what its purpose was. Annihilation of the body.

Do any of you struggle with this? Has anyone had a T that has been able to help you understand what is happening with this? Any thoughts that you can share?

 

[hodge]

I don't have that burden, Shimmerz, so cannot offer any insights, but I feel for you. Big :hug:s

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I struggle with that. It's a bit different perhaps, but the struggle is the same. I have a part currently that I struggle with. Mainly she bangs and cuts, but if she could find her preferred method, then she would try to kill and has before.

The showering part, I just realized was not so much meant to try to kill the body so much as to cleanse the body. And it seems no matter how hot the water is, it is not hot enough to get clean. It's dangerous, no doubt, but I don't think that part wants to kill the body so much as help it. It's just not the best way to help it.

When I was in-patient last, I created a specific safety contract designed specifically for the part I am still struggling with. The safety contract is more than just safety, it also talks about helping this part who holds a ton of misery. She suffers a great deal and that it why she wants to end things. That was key- finding out why. And then attempting to work with other parts on and that part to make their be a place for her to relax inside and to get positive messages to her. Sometimes this works better than others. It's time to re-visit that contract as things are getting out of hand a little, but it's nearing anniversary of one thing right now and the pain of that is too much. My therapist is trying to work with that part on getting her to believe that things will get better even if it takes a while and we can't see when and that she is loveable.

 

[Muttly]

Yes, we have a part like that and have worked a lot with our T. Our experience is a lot what JEKBreatheandBelieve has described. We haven't done a safety contract, but have worked to put in safety measures, but have worked to help that part. There's definitely resistance to helping a part that can feel so damaging to us, but our T has worked at making us understand how hard a job that part has and how much pain that part carries. That part is also really disconnected from the body, so I'm not sure they completely understand that killing the body means killing all. I think sometimes the part is desperate for an end to the pain and struggle and knows no other way. Our T is stressing how what that part feels won't last forever, but I'm not sure they fully believe that yet.

I also have learned that there are times when it's sort of a desperate act to get our attention or to stop us from fighting internally. If we are fighting to survive or recovering from damage done, there isn't all the internal noise and chaos.

It's a lot of work learning to cooperate and communicate, but since we've been trying that part has gotten much less reactive and damaging.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I can not directly contribute to the parts concept but I did want to try to add some material that covers self-injury and that of self-harm for general awareness. Definitions, charts, fact sheets, blogs and a helping you section is offered by Life Signs (an self injury guidance and support network).

"Self-harm includes many harmful behaviours such as self-injury, but includes such diverse matters as eating disorders, risk taking behaviour, drug and alcohol misuse." What self-injury is | LifeSIGNS

I like the following quote," We all need a little help, support, and love, while we work through our self-harm. Self-help and self-care can replace self-injury." Helping you | LifeSIGNS As well there is a great little breathing re-calibration exercise clock on that page that might be very useful at times to center in body awareness.

Perhaps, part of you was trying to get a message to the rest of you. I know when I did risk taking behaviors, I was in immense pain and acting out in self-destructive manners. I can not say that I made the conscious connection to trying to end my pain in finality (at that time). However racing cars over 110 mph, drinking and drugging, walking on the high beams of bridges, spinning free style on the rails of out going yachts, getting involved in gang related activity... doesn't really suggest the use of common sense for longevity. Eventually, I decided something was wrong:facepalm: and sought professional help.

So it didn't matter to me, if I was a bloomin' idiot as much as what was the real reason, that I had became that way. I own it. I did it. But I am moving forward and pray I do not develop more creative ways to run amok. ;) :ninja:

:hug::hug: Hugs to the parts of you that need compassion and tenderness.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, not sure either about parts, but have considered it unconscious self-sabotage, follows adopting a kindness to myself or affirmation from others accepted.

:hug:

 

[Sideways]

Awesome post by @JEKBreatheandBelieve - I dealt with a part that was bent on self-destruction in much the same way. The core of dealing with it for me has similarly been recognising what the pain is about for that part, and then working on communication and mutual trust.

My self-destructive part still makes me really anxious about having DID, but the amount and seriousness of self-harm has definitely decreased a lot. The same part has actively intervened to sabotage my therapy at various points, and I've had to manage that in much the same way.

The starting point for me was I didn't understand what was going on with that part or why. And while we still are a long way from being besties, just being able to understand her and make sure I steer clear of things that are going to aggravate her fear has been a huge help.

 

[sun seeker]

I have read other posts where a part(s), with intention, speak about how it intends on killing itself (the host???).

I am reading a book right now that may well have answers to this question. I'll keep you posted.

 

[shimmerz]

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks. I would be very interested in what the name of the book is. Do you mind sharing?

 

[laurainalameda]

I am not certain if anyone has specifically addressed this in a posting or not.

I used to have a 'par...

For me, what made the difference was engaging with that part when it was not in crisis and offering it comfort. In my case, it was simple things that it would accept, such as warm clothes, being wrapped in a blanket, and certain foods being availible. I also keep a notebook that that part draws in. My therapist is extremely important in making this safe.
The book I found most help full was "coping with traUma related dissiociation" by Boon.

 

[Pixielicious]

What's DID? This is all new to me..

 

[Muttly]

What's DID? This is all new to me..

Dissociation Identity Disorder. It used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder.