Parts That Want Us Dead

[Sandstone]

followed me if I got out, or searched for me if they didn't catch me leaving. It has been really hard for them. I was watched constantly during this time - for my own safety.

When they found you, what did they do to help? Was it enough then that they were there, or did you need specifics from them?

There is no talking to me at this time. I don't understand what anyone is saying.

SO seems to be pretty good at this. When I need to run he says 'C'mon, I will run with you' Then he would change it to 'C'mon, let's go run and get a coffee' appealing to both my grown up self and my small self.

You seem to be saying that there is a way to talk to you, from the right person. It can't be direct contradiction, but you are open to being led to the next step for safety. It does sound very much dealing with a small child set on a particular action. Can you identify what would be the next step for where you are now? If the driving urge is to get outside and curl up small, what can you put in between arriving outdoors and the curling up? Is that something you can do for yourself, or do you need to set up a way to call on someone else?

I recognise the illogicality of all this, but in that moment we aren't acting from an adult thinking brain, are we? I've experienced that with OD-ing. I have had to make sure there are no pills of mine in the house that I could harm myself with. OH still has some that could do me permanent damage, but they are his, and even in extremis I can't take them, just because they are his. Same with the dog - I eyed up his Tramadol while he was alive, but it was only after he died that I actually took them.

 

[shimmerz]

You seem to be saying that there is a way to talk to you, from the right person.

Yeah, he doesn't wait for a reply. He can see the switch immediately so he catches me before I am even aware that I am ready to run.

Because this one is so young, I do follow direction. Easily. Too easily, but that is another story. When other's (not my SO) found me or tried to direct me, they would speak to me (I am co-conscious so could hear them, just couldn't follow directions). If I was lying down they would struggle to get me up (I am not petite), because I didn't have the muscle control to do it myself. Once I was up, however, they would speak to me like I was a toddler, hold my hand gently and direct me to where they wanted me to be. If, on the other hand, someone was to yell at me out of frustration or anger, I would immediately drop again.
If for instance, police were sent out to look for me (let's pretend), and they noticed I wasn't moving and directed me to do so, what they wouldn't understand is that if they got forceful in any way (even voice), I would regress even more.

If the driving urge is to get outside and curl up small, what can you put in between arriving outdoors and the curling up?

A lock might be a help (at the top of the door. The only problem with that is that if I have that and SO isn't around then he won't be able to get in. And I can drop for days. I am not certain if I do anymore, but I don't think that is practical. As I mentioned above, I did at one time tie myself to my bed to stop me from running in the middle of the night. It worked well.

Having a car worked out well because it would take the adult me to turn it on. So it allowed me to switch states if I ran to it. Interestingly, the car is the same as your husband's pills. Funny how we can be so young and understand who owns what? That strikes me as odd.

I am so terribly sorry about your husband's passing, Sandstone. .That must be so difficult. I can only imagine how much of an adjustment that must have been for you as well. I hope you are doing well.

 

[Sandstone]

Sorry - I wasn't clear - the dog died, not the husband

 

[shimmerz]

lol. I am ridiculous. Even my adult self! :cool:

 

[shimmerz]

My T would probably say that that part needs a different job.

That's a given. :confused: Learning how to make a kick assed pizza would be great but I don't think it is obtainable at this point.

You may have THOUGHT it was your job to die, but it was never your job.

Yes, I think it is the age that this role was assigned to me. My shaman and I spoke about this quite a bit. At that age we do take our our parents' expectations. And I agree, she does need to be updated - I just don't know how to do that. Remember that I am working at two levels of consciousness through this. My logic says 'that is bullshit'. Unfortunately, the driver of my body when triggered says 'Hey, your coming with me because this is how we deal with these types of issues.'

So I agree with all you are saying. It makes sense. It is rational. It just isn't in the cards yet. Until I figure this thing out. I expect that there is quite a process for what Mark is saying will give the part another job. I believe, btw, that that part also took on rescuing my teddy bear from their grossly abusive behaviour. She was the part that tried to have me come to her during one of my sessions. Instead I handed her my teddy to take care of and wait for me to figure this shit out. I suppose in the winter time she is not as patient or happy with her teddy babysitting role.

 

[scout86]

We have talked a little about finding stuff different jobs. He seems to think that it's some "part" that's decided I have to wake up every 2 hours, all might long. I tried explaining to "it" that guard duty is a great idea but, by definition, that means the guard stays awake and everyone else gets to sleep........ I haven't gotten far with that.

And, for all my eye rolling about "parts" none of this is b.s. You can't say that without risking invalidating all those early experiences and survival tools. All that represents something very real and you have to give credit where credit is due. The fact is, you are alive in spite of your parents, not because of them. (BTW, "spite" can be a pretty good emotion in a pinch, if you're looking for a reason to live.) That early version of you deserves a ton of credit. She also deserves to be able to trust the adults (you) in her life to handle this stuff now. I'm sure you won't get there by not acknowledging her efforts, her fears, and the reasons for those fears.

I don't think this is easy. In fact, one of the things I keep wondering about is how similar or different our experiences are, and how much anyone else's experience actually helps. You might be getting more out of what you learn while you're trying to explain this to those of us that are too thick headed to get it.

One thing I did notice, myself. Some stuff is easier than others. When dealing with my mother, for example, it pretty much always defused things I'd I could remember to stop and say to myself, "Wait, have you actually LOOKED at her lately?" Because, when I did, it was perfectly obvious she was no kind of threat. I just had to make sure I was reacting to the version of reality that actually existed in the present. Which turns out to be tricky sometimes.

You'll get this!

 

[Tinyflame]

What triggers the hiding @shimmerz ?

@scout86 I wake uo to. Could you tell the 'part' someone else is watching tonight?

:hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I suppose I sort of do that, but in the day/ look for means ('required' to look for means. I'vw felt quite obligated to off myself.)

:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

What triggers the hiding @shimmerz ?

A feeling that there is danger/aggression/violence in the house or that I am being told or compelled to leave but have no safe place to go.

 

[shimmerz]

@scout86 I wake up to. Could you tell the 'part' someone else is watching tonight?

Didn't your dog used to take over that job Scout? I realize she is no longer with you - but did you actually sleep better when W slept on you?

I guess what I am trying to get at here is that if an entity just takes on the roll and then we lose that entity, we could well be thrown into a reaction that we didn't realize we had, no?

 

[BlueOrange]

A feeling that there is danger/aggression/violence in the house or that I am being told or compelled t...

I wonder if it might be possible to cast a magic spell on a particular part of the house. Alternatively, perhaps some kind of magic that can be used to clean violence out of the house.

I remember one night my son had a headache, and I thought that magic might help. I started casting a spell, and he said "Don't be silly daddy, you're not magic!"

I asked who was magic, he answered "the tooth fairy". So I prayed out loud to the tooth fairy, and it worked.

So that's evidence that an adult and a child can cooperate to invent a magic ritual which satisfies both. Perhaps SO can help with inventing and practicing the ritual.

 

[shimmerz]

I started casting a spell, and he said "Don't be silly daddy, you're not magic!"

Interesting the image that popped up when I visualized this. It was clear as could be and I haven't thought about it in a very long time.

Back in the house of horrors, the ex would literally follow me everywhere in the house as I tried to get away from his behaviour. He even went so far (twice) as to kick in the bedroom door when I tried to secure my 'safe space' in the house. After I got out of the house I used to have nightmares about being chased around the couch and and I would try to leave the house but I couldn't find the door.

So perhaps I am looking at 2 different parts. My 45 year old self and my under 2 year old part. I wonder if perhaps I tried to imagine what my 45 year old could have done to keep herself safe in that house (without leaving?) whether that would help my infant self understand better. The thing is, I tried so hard to stay in that house and I went to pieces when I left. I wasn't the same person. Perhaps it was the fact I was forced out of the house that reactivated the part and has me re-enacting this 'I have to leave to be safe' drama.

Just thinking out loud here.