Parts That Want Us Dead

[sun seeker]

There are obviously bigger issues, but keeping you alive is important.

I agree.

Were you at one point talking about working with this part and getting it comfortable with child-sized furniture in a closet? I seem to remember something like that.

Also, I don't know if this would make it better or worse, but in a worst-case scenario, could you install a latch on the tops of all doors to the outside such that you would have to stretch to reach them - when overtaken by this part, I'm assuming you wouldn't be able to figure out how to do that... ?? That and/or some other kind of security system that would alert your SO (I like what @joeylittle says, just thinking maybe there could be one on the door as well)... don't some people have that to keep toddlers from running off? If this part is a toddler, maybe we need to be thinking along those lines.

 

[BlueOrange]

@shimmerz you're very welcome. I feel better when I feel helpful and smart.

 

[shimmerz]

The more I read your responses and think back to the past few years, the more I see the pattern. It has been going on for a long time now, I just haven't seen it as a pattern that relates to cold. I see that very clearly right now.

At this point, in this posting, I am not talking about homelessness. Although I have lived that life. In the winter. I won't get into the stories about that because they don't apply to the situation I am attempting to tease out in this posting. This posting is about trying to get a grip on a part that is attempting to get to safety but has a very immature view of what safety is. Safety to her, is to get out of the house and find a place to hide. No matter what the weather.

I don't cut, I don't self harm in the typical ways. This is the only manifestation of this type of behaviour that I can think of that impacts me. What is important here is that my birth parents did try to kill me - more than once. It is documented, and they have confessed to such. I expect during this time of my life (prior to 1.5 years), I recognized that my job was to die for them.

This is the first year I have been able to attach to this behaviour in a rational way. I suspect that is because I have a sense of safety for the very first time since the House of Horrors. Yes, I am safe at this moment in time. But I am not the village idiot, this ain't my first rodeo, and I know from past experiences (recent past as well), that I can go from 0-100 in a nanosecond. I have no interest in having gone through these past ten years to allow myself to end up crashing and burning in the great white north somewhere without at least trying to be prepared for it.

Please keep in mind that in past years (8 to be exact), I have:
- curled up under park benches when triggered
- walked into the snow with bare feet and pj's and curled up
- curled up in boiling hot cars
- hidden on a red ant hill - felt them biting me but could not move
- curled up on a friends porch in the middle of the night in the middle of winter because I couldn't figure out how to work my key
- slept in my car when I feel driven out of a house (arguing or aggression in the house)

What I have used to keep me safe:
- Friends have watched over me constantly. I have not once 'saved myself' from these past issues without other's interventions.
- Tied myself to the bed so I wouldn't bolt out in the night due to night terrors
- My car (which I don't have anymore) This has been a key survival tool for me in the past. It is gone now
- My phone to reach out to people (I don't have a cell phone anymore) Due to circumstances, it isn't in the budge right now. I could only text, not speak on the phone.

There is more I am sure. Trying to find a line between important to know things and boring things.

The fact is that I don't have the tools that I used to have to keep me safe. I am at a loss as to how to deal this winter. Sun, I will attempt to listen to those tapes. I am worried about something hitting me the wrong way and getting a reaction out of me, but i will try. I am continuing to take my clonazepam. I am attemtping to go into the office every day so I am not left to my own devices until I see how I react after some exposure.

JL, your ideas are wonderful. Unfortunately I don't have these things at my disposal, although I will keep them in my mind as possibilities. I am so far removed from everything here - except forests and ocean, both of which feel threatening to me if I am to fall into this part with any severity.

Thank you all for your kind, well thought out and considerate responses.

 

[BlueOrange]

That sounds like an extremely difficult realization.

It sounds like supervised accommodation would be best, although it could be hard to access. Is there a social worker or equivalent that you can talk to, to find out what protections they can help you with?

 

[shimmerz]

Near to impossible to get here BlueOrange, but thank you. Don't believe what you hear about Canada's Heath Care System. It simply isn't true. Waiting lists (if there is an option at all), nobody here takes trauma seriously. Several years ago I tried and tried to get into a trauma centre. 2 of them closed while I was on the waiting list. From what I have heard from others, they simply drugged you up anyway. Several came out worse than they were when they went in.

Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness in your responses.

 

[BlueOrange]

I'm increasingly of the view that Australia has one of the best healthcare systems in the world - and what I was suggesting would have been really difficult to get here.

Having spent all of last week in a classroom that was 50% social workers, I now believe that they do work hard to help, and that they're better informed than most people about what options may exist.

 

[shimmerz]

That is fabulous! Here, in Canada - not so much. I hear that Alberta has the most caring health system in the country. I still don't think that any place in Canada has an understanding and proper treatment model for those with PTSD.

 

[BlueOrange]

That is fabulous! Here, in Canada - not so much. I hear that Alberta has the most caring health syst...

We struggle with dissociative disorders here too, but I think things are getting better.

 

[Sandstone]

Friends have watched over me constantly. I have not once 'saved myself' from these past issues without other's interventions.

I understand the need to run and to hide in small spaces. In general it hasn't been a danger to me, the only time it was truly hazardous was when I wanted to curl up overnight in a hedge as a major storm that was breaking trees developed. On that occasion I was stopped because I was with a group of people.

What, exactly, did the friends watching over you do? What is it that is different because they are there?
Is it social acceptability - something stops you because you don't want to be seen to act that way? Or physical restraint - they hold you back, or lock doors? Or emotional support - they listen, care, rationalise, support? Or something else?
If you can identify what they gave you, perhaps you can get closer to finding another way to obtain it.

 

[scout86]

I recognized that my job was to die for them.

I have another friend here who apparently decided the same thing. And she seems quite convinced that was accurate. :(

My T would probably say that that part needs a different job. And he would say that in totally seriousness. And I'd roll my eyes. And he'd say he'd been waiting for that. I've asked how you get 'parts' to take on new jobs. He's been kind of vague but seems totally convinced it's possible. Sorry I can't be more help with that.

About all I can think to point out is that that was an inaccurate interpretation of the facts and then wonder if there's a way to up date that 'part's' interpretation. Because, if was NEVER your 'job' to die for them. It just wasn't. They may have WANTED you to die. You may have THOUGHT it was your job to die, but it was never your job. Your job was to live. Which you did. In spite of them. They don't count. Their thoughts, feelings, and opinions were wrong. THEY were the 'bad guys' even though they were also your parents. You don't owe them a darn thing and you never did.

My T is also big on the power of language. I'd like to suggest you avoid saying things like 'it was my job to die'. Better to say "I thought it was my job to die'. Seems like a small difference but I think it's a significant difference. I think by talking about this carefully, you help keep yourself grounded in the here and now. When you talk about things like dying being your job as if it really was, you feed into the reality of that. I don't think that helps anything, especially that wayward 'part'. That part needs to become aware that there are new and better ways of looking at the world available. Appreciate the part. It's dedication, determination, all that, but don't get sucked into thinking it's looking at things accurately.

This is the first year I have been able to attach to this behaviour in a rational way.

And I think that's HUGE. And it's the reason you're going to have a better outcome this time around. Don't give up, I really think you're going to learn a lot and end up in a better place for working on this.

This posting is about trying to get a grip on a part that is attempting to get to safety but has a very immature view of what safety is.

Focusing on that for a minute.... I think maybe I'm still trying to understand the process of moving from "things are ok" to "things are NOT ok and I need to escape". BTW, it just dawned on me that at one point we were talking about a part who thought it was her job to die and now we're talking about one who's got a goofy idea of what 'safe' is and might get you killed by accident. Do both exist? (Because I can see how they might.)

 

[shimmerz]

What, exactly, did the friends watching over you do?

They physically stopped me, or followed me if I got out, or searched for me if they didn't catch me leaving. It has been really hard for them. I was watched constantly during this time - for my own safety.

There is no talking to me at this time. I don't understand what anyone is saying.

SO seems to be pretty good at this. When I need to run he says 'C'mon, I will run with you' Then he would change it to 'C'mon, let's go run and get a coffee' appealing to both my grown up self and my small self. I learned to 'go get a coffee first' along the way. At this point, where I live, given my circumstances, I don't have this option anymore (not unless I have his truck).

Good question. I wonder if I could nail down other 'adult' things (and wonder if I can do this on my own - that is the wildcard here) to get myself more into my adult self. I think it was his presence (which is very grounding) that is the key in this though. I don't want this element of codependency, but perhaps can tackle that after I get to this safety strategy.

 

[scout86]

I don't want this element of codependency, but perhaps can tackle that after I get to this safety strategy.

I think that's a good thought. And I wonder if some of this isn't about trust itself. You couldn't trust your parents. You've had a mix of people you could and couldn't trust ever since. The people you should have been able to trust the most have sometimes been the most dangerous. It would be uncomfortable to trust SO just because of that, I would think.

Instead of 'codependency' maybe you can think of it as being 'inter-dependent'? HE needs YOU at the moment too. You have the option of being a team. You can each both give AND take. (Somehow I think that's the way relationships are 'supposed' to work.)

I wonder if I could nail down other 'adult' things

I'll bet you can!