Parts That Want Us Dead

[shimmerz]

Perhaps 'networks' rather than regions.

The time in the kitchen where it felt like my brain rewiring felt like a 'network' to me. Because it felt like an all encompassing thing.

A region, to me, works more like a network switch and leads to part(s) hijacking. And I think I make this distinction because of the kitchen incident. It was much, much bigger and is affecting me still, 10 years later.

It is very possible this T didn't know about or buy into SD. It was 8 years ago that I had dealings with him.

Thanks for giving so much of your time BlueOrange. May you go in peace. :)

 

[scout86]

She doesn't seem to understand when I ask her not to run outside and curl up.

Well DUH!

I think it was yesterday I pointed this out. The 'part' you're talking about, if I'm getting the story right, doesn't trust ANYONE. She's a primitive problem solver who doesn't think anyone else is coming to the rescue. OR, she's figured out that, if she crashes spectacularly enough someone else actually WILL come to the rescue. Maybe that one, now that I think about it, since you actually ARE alive, in spite of everything. :p But seriously, if you imagine for a second that you were dealing with a child with the world view of that 'part', in what version of reality would it make sense to listen to someone saying 'please don't go running barefoot into the cold!" Street cred. You can't just say 'please don't do that' and get it to work. You need to be able to demonstrate that you've got things somewhat handled. At least that you GET that there's a problem and the nature of the problem from the view point of the 'part'. First you have to prove you get it. Next you need to prove you're serious about a new and better way to deal with the situation.

The best way I can relate to this, myself, is stuff that used to happen when I got missives from my mother. It was very helpful to remind myself that I was now and adult and SHE was a frail little old lady, and 'if you don't believe me, actually LOOK AT HER!'

So, what would happen if you pointed out a few things to this 'part', like "HEY, look who I'm living with now! Not a monster! Actually kind of a nice guy......." The fact that you ARE an adult and you DO have the ability to exercise some control. Even though the past and present gets mixed up, I've found it helpful to focus on the things that tell me there's a difference.

 

[sun seeker]

SunSeeker could probably answer this one better though.

I don't think it does either. Not off the top of my head anyway. (Strange saying, isn't it, given what we're talking about? What happens in the top of the head?)

I actually think this is opposite. Maybe you could help me with this one though. I would have died many times over without those friends that constantly watched me. It was never me that saved myself.

Maybe. But look at that from another angle. Lots of people in that situation would have died because they don't have friends that were willing to put in the time to save them. You didn't because of other aspects of who you are. I can name them in detail if you want. Just inviting you to look at the bigger picture of who you are.

She is totally nonverbal.

I started looking up how to communicate with infant parts in a dissociated system, then thought to ask you whether you have already pursued this angle. Is it worth spending time on or have you already been down that route?

Am open to your thoughts though.

I say that because you have one that is running the show when you are functional in daily life (though not to the degree you once were) and one of your EPs is not obviously active; then you have a different one when you get into subjects that remind you of your professional life. Very businesslike, serious, all about results. I was a bit taken aback the first time I ran into this. The difference was obvious to me.

 

[shimmerz]

She's a primitive problem solver who doesn't think anyone else is coming to the rescue.

I don't know how to say this any better. It isn't about rescuing. It isn't about getting help. It is about finding a spot to curl up in a spot that is safe (in a primitive way). She is looking for safety and doesn't understand that it isn't actually safe.

I had this happen a couple of weekends ago as is detailed in my diary. The fortunate part of this is that it was warm out.... I knew I was going to the marina, and I was found before the part was able to take over. There were some tricky moments though.

You need to be able to demonstrate that you've got things somewhat handled.

I don't have things handled quite yet. I am relying on one person. And I have a hell of an anniversary coming up where I was stranded completely by this one person. I am speaking with my rational brain. I wouldn't be able to type if I wasn't. I am attempting to prepare because of activation events with minor amounts of cold weather in the recent past.

I recognize this gets tiring. And I really am sorry if it is frustrating. I have no issues if nobody responds. But it is really frustrating when I hear 'there is no problem'. 'Come back when you are thinking rationally.' It feels like a CBT session where the nurse was like 'well if you keep being upset that people are stalking you then you will be too tired to protect yourself when they DO find you.'

Okay, now I am off on a rant. Sorry, that whole thing has me triggered up.

 

[shimmerz]

You didn't because of other aspects of who you are. I can name them in detail if you want.

Thanks for the reminder. This is no longer the case based on my geographical location. I know nobody here. No resources. Just one person. I am relying on one person.

 

[scout86]

Maybe. But look at that from another angle. Lots of people in that situation would have died because they don't have friends that were willing to put in the time to save them.

Excellent point! And, maybe, on some level, you KNEW you could trust them.

 

[scout86]

And I really am sorry if it is frustrating.

I think this is WAY more frustrating for you than it is for anyone else. Personally, I'm not frustrated at all. Curious, kind of confused, fascinated, but not frustrated.

But it is really frustrating when I hear 'there is no problem'.

You might be HEARING 'there's no problem' but I don't think anyone is SAYING there's no problem.

What I'm trying to do, is make sure you're dealing with the problem(s) that actually exist right now. In a way, it doesn't matter what that part thought it was doing back then. What matters is that it feels safe NOW. Which is a real problem.

More in a bit, just wanted to mention 'not frustrated' (yet?)

 

[sun seeker]

Clonazepam.

That's my advice at the moment. And no, that's not saying this isn't a real problem or doesn't need real solutions. It's saying it will help get you to where you can take in the possible solutions.

:hug: Still here.

 

[scout86]

I know nobody here. No resources. Just one person. I am relying on one person.

Point taken. But you're actually relying on your SO and yourself. Doesn't mean it's not a problem. (The 'curious' part of my brain wonders if you'd actually have a meltdown in a situation where death was the unavoidable outcome. Not suggesting an experiment though!)

So, what are the options? Worst case, what happens to homeless people in Canada? I'm not suggesting you do THAT either, but, for me, usually it helps to look the worst case scenario right in the eye. Worst case, I suppose you run out into the cold and freeze. Possible. Not likely though.

It is about finding a spot to curl up in a spot that is safe (in a primitive way). She is looking for safety and doesn't understand that it isn't actually safe.

That's kind of what I was thinking, even though it's not what I said. And, isn't that something a little kid might actually do? Can't you just picture that? I sure can. And I really feel for that little kid. Makes me want to invite her inside for some hot chocolate and a chance to play with the dogs while we come up with a better plan. Because there ARE better plans.

 

[Tinyflame]

what happens to homeless people in Canada?

Not good , @scout86 , for most. Especially winter. :(

 

[sun seeker]

True. But, that is not what is going to happen in this situation.

 

[joeylittle]

Just spitballing some problem solving...

@shimmerz - is it possible for her to buy into the idea of an escape hatch or hiding hole? Something like a walled-off area in the storm cellar, or attic, or shed, or garage (don't know if you've got all these).

Understanding that the primitive goal is to get safe, and the association is with houses are unsafe, I'm wondering if a constructed safe space might work.

Of course, outside the house is better if you've got a shed or such...with a space heater and bunches of blankets, head coverings, mittens, etc. Something you could control to some degree.

A second suggestion that would help with safety, except might be inadvertently triggering, would be to make sure that it's possible for someone (your partner?) to check in periodically at scheduled times, and to be able to locate you, should you go missing.

These are just thoughts about getting through the winter. There are obviously bigger issues, but keeping you alive is important.