Passionate Hatred Of Ptsd

[ladee]

No @lostforgottensoul , I haven't tried to sell my art work... that's what I was saying.... i have to find out what is standing in my way, because that is something I would love to do...

@ The Albatross....after thought and lists of pros and cons.... I called them, I respectfully decline the job offer....so a weight has been lifted... guess that is part of why I had to get it out this morning....
Why are they pushing me, or encouraging me, can't make a distinction on that right now.... because they know I have to work, and in their way of thinking, it would be easier on my body, even tho I tell them all the reasons I do not want to do this job... I know they have my best interest at heart, but I am not being heard. I don't know how I got so caught up in 'they want/I want'....

Doesn't really matter, I have not been trusting my own gut here.... I would set myself up to fail... so why go thru all that stupid drama when I can say NO..... So I did.... and now I can move forward to doing the things I really want to do, and find a few house cleaning jobs to supplement my income.... yes, it would not be easy on my body, but I can set my own pace with that... be my own boss and just be happier all the way around....I seem mentally better when cleaning.... don't know why or even care... I just know that making the choice to not take that job has taken me to a much more positive place, one where I feel I have say so over my life..... which I did in the first place....

Have no idea what this hamster wheel trip was all about... it will manifest itself..... just know I appreciate the feed back and support. Happy I have a place to go to work out something so mundane and boring.... hugs to all.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I hate PTSD. Mainly because I feel like I can't make choices anymore. And people around me think I am being a lazy ass. Drives me nuts. So yes, I get the 'well intentioned friends/family' chirping in. Expectations.... goddam expectations.

Good for you for listening to your gut feelings. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Wow, good for you! Seriously....good for you for tuning into yourself and trusting what you felt was right (or in the case of this job, what was wrong). I get your frustration of not being heard by your family, no matter how well-intentioned they are - and I really feel that the action you've taken today (declining the job offer) is you really listening to yourself and trusting what you heard.

And I don't think it's a mundane thing at all...the jobs/work we do can be a big deal and have a significant impact on our lives.

Sounds like you feel good about the cleaning idea. Yes, it's physical, so it sounds like there's stuff for you to consider around that and how you can make it work for you. But it sounds like that might be a good option - for now, at least. I say 'for now' because you might come up with something else that you want to do even more at some point :-)

Good on you. I'm glad the weight has been lifted :-)

 

[ladee]

@shimmerz , thanks !!! Not following my gut has taken me places I never wanted to go..... and nothing wrong with being selective... I am retired , I am 65 yrs old.... I am too old to be stuck doing something I hate... or any age for that matter...and we are not lazy... we know what we can do and what we can't.... hugs back to you.

@barefoot, thanks !! I feel motivated now to do what I have to do to get the ball rolling toward employment that doesn't include me doing something because others thought this would be the right thing for me.... so today, I decided what was right for me... and that job wasn't it....

There is more going on here too , that I am aware of now.... I knew it had more to do with not just wanting to take a job, and everyone in the background saying... yes you do !!! My lessons are always underneath the 'noise'...

I wasn't being HEARD.... that is one of my main issues... it is no longer a 'trigger', have worked too hard on this, but a stressor for sure....!! I kept thinking.... why is this being made such a big deal?? Who cares where I work...anytime I allow my head, where PTSD lives, to make choices.... I end up hurt, miserable, and on and on..
My gut never lies....so listened to what never lies to me... and am now free to go do what I know will work out best for me...

Thank you all for letting me work this out.... a live 'diary' of sorts with immediate feedback.... so 'ol Ladee is worth another 10 thousand miles at least !!! Doing it my way !!! Which took me a long long time to get to the place I even had a clue what 'my way' even was.....so onward.... tired of living in PTSD's shadow... thanks and hugs to all of you.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Ladee, you're right. Your gut never lies. In fact, it's probably the only thing in your life that you can trust absolutely.

I don't hate PTSD. I hate all the shit that caused it, but I feel like the PTSD itself is just my body demanding that I get this poison out of me.

I think you're awesome, ladee! I wish I could help you feel better. :hug:

 

[ladee]

Thanks @Mal Content , that made me smile a happy smile.... it is worked out.... one of the reasons I love this site.. I can come here and blurt and word vomit, and I still get help... I was able to work it out in one day..... so that is progress....
Was looking back over my work history, and never one time was I 'out front'.... in other words, I was always in the background... I wasn't even aware until a few years ago, that that is how I manage my anxiety..... and this job would have been 'out front'.....
I don't mind working, and I don't mind working hard, but I am also in charge of me, and if I know it was a set up for failure, well, hell, who needs that... while my friends had loving intentions.... it was not in my best interest.. I know me, I know what I can handle and what I can't....
I see no healthy reason to 'challenge' myself on this one.. I have nothing major to prove in this life I have been given... Other things, yes, I have to challenge myself, to grow, to learn.... but this one, again, no.

Can you imagine being at work and me telling the Director, hold on a sec, I need to check in with my peers to see what to do next and how to handle myself....:nailbiting: Ya, I doubt she would have seen the humor in that....:playful:

I am just now getting on the other side of a very months long depression.... taking me awhile to regroup.... trying to enjoy not being depressed also :whistling:, I don't feel like a failure, as I would have in the past. I feel like I asked for help, got it, used it.... and am now going full tilt boogie to my next great adventure :happy::happy::happy:

So thanks everyone !!! Hugs to all of you who replied and supported me..... :inlove::hug:

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Thanks @Mal Content , that made me smile a happy smile.... it is worked out.... one of...

You really are awesome! I can totally see you saying, hang on a sec, gotta consult with my peeps!

I can't think of a single good reason why you should accept a job that you know doesn't suit you. Well, except for starvation.

 

[ladee]

Ya @Mal Content....:laugh: there wouldn't be a big bunch of crap going on in my head if that were the case..... but not there, yet.....
I really hate money, and all it stands for in our society... wish we could go back to the bartering system.... I will clean your house for that basket of potatoes kind of thing..... life would be so much nicer....

 

[Zanshin]

I don't know about a sweaty hug, but maybe one to calm you until you're not shaking?

Work does help keep me from self-isolating, and multiple jobs/extra hours keep my mind active which keeps the anxiety/depression at bay. Most of the time. Perhaps this will help you once it's resolved - changes can be really difficult, too. In the meantime, see what options exist to sell your art as well - online removes most of that pesky human interaction... You've made it this far, you can do this, too.

As far as "pardon me while I go consult with my peeps," that's what bathroom breaks are for. ;)

@Mal Content - I like your observation about PTSD removing the poison. Excellent perspective, thank you.

 

[barefoot]

and am now going full tilt boogie to my next great adventure :happy::happy::happy:

Ha! :-)

 

[anthony]

But also wondering who else just HATES PTSD

f*ck yes.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Excellent thread and posts. On the job hunt myself. Let me count the ways PTSD F*cks with my endeavors. Yep, lose the paper work, references some now dead, self esteem a tea spoon full, clear head after emergency bathroom use and then cleaning, online application jitters, family that does not believe in PTSD but is very unhelpful when trying to help, and the list goes on, and the list goes on…

You are always an inspiration ladee and would love to see some of your true work, art.