Passions Vs Survival Instincts

[dougyhowzer]

So I have realized that I am survivor and have pretty much lived as one .

I only made it this far because of my coping mechanisms . Unfortunately , most of my coping skills are very unhealthy and have never had made any positive results .

Then I look at my passions . Which I wonder , does "little Dougie " even have any passions .

I know that rediscovering music had been fun , and it has brought hope and a future because it is the only interest that had stayed with me from childhood.

But is that really my passion ?

If I were to connect with my inner child, which I don't even have the slightest clue on how to do. Would that make a difference .

I have been stuck in survival mode so long. It's like that is all I know to do.

If becoming a classical composer/ guitarist is what I really want to do ? Then how do I get from surviving to thriving .

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a couple of questions dougy.

Are you in therapy? If so for how long?

I remember when I first realized that I badly needed help I got myself into therapy and my whole world turned upside down and inside out and there was nothing left.

I only knew survival skills which were working against me so badly and my life was not working and I was so angry all of the time. I learned that I was a victim of really abusive parents and had multiple traumas as a teenager.

I think it is good to have dreams but realistic dreams. Like how to get from A to B etc.

In therapy there is so much that needs to be unveiled and the foundation of you is proven to be false and has collapsed and over time and processing with your therapist in time you will uncover so many false beliefs and illusions that have to be replaced with the truth.

There is a world of hurt to grieve and process.

I do not know if this helps but it takes as long as it takes. I wish the best for you.

 

[dougyhowzer]

Thanks . To answer your question, yes I have a therapist that I have been seeing for almost 2 years .

 

[Go Hungry]

Well I don't know that connecting with your inner child would help very much, because the world is so different now than it was back then. Everything is different, including your thought processes and tastes. I remember this one book I was SO IN LOVE WITH back when I was a kid. I thought this author hung the moon, seriously. Those books were my most treasured possessions. I tried reading it again a few years back and my reaction was "Who put crap in my book?!?!" It was terrible. The prose was abominable, and the story.. well, there was a story at least, but it surely wasn't anything to write home about. My tastes had changed completely. You might find that happening to yourself as well. It's not a bad thing. I now have all kinds of interests that I never would have anticipated...

So the thing is.. Instead of trying so hard to rediscover what was important to you then, try and figure out what you dig now. If you're nuts about classical guitar, go for it. Practice like hell and pursue that! :)

 

[shimmerz]

To me, a sense of passion allows me to believe in a future. A sense of survival allows me to make it through the moment without being able to attach to any thoughts of a future. I think that you may be ahead of the game feeling the way you do about your music. I would say put as much time in as possible into playing and that will help you 'fake it til you make it'. The more you can attach to passion the more you can put aside that survival feeling imho.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@dougyhowzer I relate to your confusion related to passion. PTSD sort of wraps a veil over our selves wherein we are pretty confused about our identity.

It takes 10,000 hours of practice to become a virtuoso, so you better get crack in' on that guitar. I have up guitar when I got sober and had to stop singing after a chemical exposure damaged my vocal chords and I can't sing anymore. If I can afford it I plan to take up banjo. Not that it's a passion but it's on my bucket list.

Maybe we have to have some time to sit and be with the instrument before we develop passion for it. I think you know it's passion if you want to play day and night .