Relationship Passive Agressive Or Just Setting Boundaries?

[step2]

My husband is a combat veteran diagnosed with PTSD, has a history of head trama, his therapist thinks he has aspergers, and was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. He also has cronic pain from an injury while in service that will never go away.

I read a bit on codependency and saw some of my earlier behaviors listed. My father passed away last year from ALS and for a few months after I was depressed and greiving.

My husband unable to be supportive and even blamed me for not thinking about how he felt at the time and called me selfish for spending the last few days by dads side. During those few months I felt hopeless and helpless to do anything. I have since found a way to cope with my grief and loss, but I learned that my husband can't be a source of comfort and that I have to comfort myself and learn to put my needs towards the top of the priority list.

I have a steadfast determination to no longer accept what ever treatment he is willing to give me and to set boundaries for acceptable behavior. When I refuse to engage in a fight so he can get a chemical rush he gets angry and accuses me of being passive agressive and not taking responsibility for my part in our problems. Yelling, cursing, name calling, throwing things, and trying to force me to answer him in a way that he finds acceptable and believable are not things I respond to.

He will get louder and more agressive until I finally do whatever he wants so the kids won't wake up from his volume. He says I am to blame for him escalating, that if I just answer him when he asks that it won't get that far. That is just one example. But I resent the hell out of him using the kids as emotional blackmail to get me to play his game.

If he is the one with all of the emotional and mental issues, why should I let him be the one to determine what is acceptable and what expectations I should meet to keep him calm? When he calms down he will sometimes offer an apology, but often it is an excuse why I set him off. I call it "letting the blind man drive the bus" when he is unable to see a situation from a calm and rational standpoint.

He makes me responsible for his choices and actions and I refuse to accept that so then I am being passive agressive and need therapy to fix my issues. If he saw himself in one of these "moments" he would be shocked at how it looks and feels from the other side.

How do I start setting boundaries for what is allowed and what is never acceptable? I feel like that is what I am doing but he refuses to accept responsibilty for his reactions.

 

[sisu]

Hi step2,

First question ~ is he on meds or in therapy for his PTSD? Even with PTSD, abuse is never acceptable - and that is what you are getting right now. Abuse. Sorry to put it so bluntly. :( I am sort of scared for you and your kids.

I don't have any good advice for you but to PLEASE take care of yourself and those kids. Do you have a safe place to go if he gets really out of control? Or will he agree to leave when he is feeling like this and return when he is calmer.

Sorry - maybe others on here will have better advice. Just know that I care and I am listening.

Sisu

 

[Tifanee]

step2 - Welcome!

Only he can make the choice to accept responsiblity for his behavior. Is this being addressed in individual or couple therapy?

You are doing right in not engaging with the PTSD episode, I am learning this as well. I am sure there are other supporters who can offer more insight to your question. Just know we all have/had this breaking point where we will no longer take being a "jerk" as okay...your husband definitely doesn't have the jerk market to himself :)!

 

[step2]

Hi step2,

First question ~ is he on meds or in therapy for his PTSD? Even with PTSD, abuse is never acceptable - and that is what you are getting right now. Abuse. Sorry to put it so bluntly. :( I am sort of scared for you and your kids.

He is in therapy and weaned off of meds about a year ago to go natural. The natural stuff has made a difference.

I do have a safe place to go and yes he has offered to leave. Yes, I know it is abuse and have said so to him every time he gets "worked up". The therapist has told him that I have to take responsibilty for my part of the escelation. He wants me in therapy to get to the bottom of my hangups and issues that cause him so much anxiety.

Generally things start out over sex. He thinks it is a form of stress control and self esteem building for him, but the last thing I want with a man that talks to me the way he does and shows no respect.

I want to video him during one of his fits so he can hear how he sounds and see how little sense he makes. I am supposed to take him seriously when he is ranting, but also know that he doesn't really mean it and is just hurting inside. Doesn't make sense does it. I should just know that he is sorry and not keep harping on it.

His dad carried on like this when he was a kid and I am pretty sure he thinks this is how a man has a right to act when he gets frustrated.

One of his sisters was hit by a semi and killed whn he was 7 and he is still stuck there emotionally. His dad was in the navy and often gone, but a tyrant when he was home. His mom had serious health issues and spent a lot of time medicated into oblivion and in bed.

He says when he blows up it is a defense against the soul searing hurt he feels at not being understood and loved the way he deserves.

I refuse to buckle under and become nothing more than a maid and whore. When I stand up for what I know to the core of my being is right, he calls me passive aggressive.

The asperger side of things really make it hard to communicate and really understand each other. He can have an entire conversation with me in his head and decide what I am feeling and thinking without ever having asked me.

He says he wants me to be honest with him but past behavior has taught me that he really can't deal it and just gets hurt/mad. I would never stay if I thought he would hurt me or the kids. I just don't want the boys growing up thinking that is how a man behaves, or that their dad is crazy.

Our girls already show signs of letting men treat them like crap and just accepting that is how it is.The girls are grown but boys are still young teens.

I just really want to know what I can do to help him understand that I can not fix me so that he won't blow up any more. Once the kids were at school and I did not hold back. I said exactly what I thought and felt and he actually backed down and shut up, but I can't do that when the kids are here because it causes them to be afraid.

 

[wallflower]

Wow Step2. Everything that you said could have come directly from me. Everything from being accused of not taking responsibility for your part to being called passive aggressive, everything.

 

[step2]

I know I am not crazy and I am doing what is right for all of us by refusing to accept that I just have to set up his world so he does not get upset. Something will always upset him.

I guess I just needed to hear that I am not alone and that others have similar situations.

My father was a very calm and quiet man, so the yelling and lashing out just to hurt is something I will not accept as normal or "just the way I am so learn to deal with it" from my husband.

Is sex a point of contention for anyone else? I am going through menopause and have ADHD myself so sex is the last thing I am thinking about. His need to feel special through sex does not trump my having the right to say what happens with my body and when.

 

[Tifanee]

You are right. Him getting upset is on him, he should own those emotions. As well as, we need to own our actions. I don't remember which member said this but their partner would get upset if the front door closed louder than they liked. It was a trigger. The supporter couldn't control that the door was noisy so it didn't make sense for the sufferer to get upset with her. The sufferer should be upset with the door.:D You are not alone and we all are trying to figure out the best path with our partners.

To address the sex question, I think sex in general can be an issue in a relationship because women generally need to feel that someone loves them to be interested whereas a man just needs to be visually stimulated. I speak for myself here though. The days that I dislike my partner can be a challenge to be interested in sex, but our time together can be limited so I'm able to enjoy that time with him. Fortunately, my partner's sexual child abuse doesn't prevent him from wanting sex which I can say surprised me. I have a high sex drive so I know it is reassuring to him that I want him. Kind of like it soothes his ego that I want him, so he is able to focus on the sex and forget about everything else. It is like an escape for him...he can turn the noises off and just enjoy himself. In the beginning of our relationship, it took more to get him to be able to turn the noises off because he needed to feel he could trust me with his body and heart (imho). Now the issue is more about energy levels, sleep, and what mood he is in, but I expect that is typical.

I would expect that if either one of you are on medication, that your sex drive and desire are impacted. Maybe ask your partner what you could do to give him those same special feelings within the boundaries of what you are able to give.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Step2, you are in a hard place there, not the sort of relationship I could handle at all.

We worked out that shouting was just hurting each other more and digging the hole deeper. Is there time in the relationship when things do go well? Or stuff you enjoy doing together?

 

[wallflower]

Yes, sex is a huge issue. I can't stand to have him touch me, let alone more after he yells at me. He claims that my lack of affection is the cause of his outbursts and I think it's a symptom of bigger problems. I've come to the conclusion that we are not compatible and should not be together.

Now he's suddenly attentive and controls his anger. Unfortunately, this hasn't changed my mind and makes me realize that he was able to turn it off and on all of these years. Sorry for the rant.... I don't have advice on how to handle his behavior. Hopefully your husband is able to work on his issues.

 

[ProudWife99]

Is sex a point of contention for anyone else? I am going through menopause and have ADHD myself so sex is the last thing I am thinking about. His need to feel special through sex does not trump my having the right to say what happens with my body and when.

It has been, yes. I wish there is some easy cure-all ointment we could rub on our foreheads that make it easier for us to understand the opposite gender and their need for intimacy.

You are right. His need to feel special does not trump you having the right to your body. However, his need to "feel special" is just as important of a need in him as are your needs to feel loved/respected/etc. As women we can sometimes forget that while we view sex as an ACT that has potential to express love, some men see the act AS loving behavior. His needs are not more important than yours, but in a marriage your needs should be on the same level as his.


I'm talking only in terms of the sexual aspect. As far as his poor behavior goes, I wouldn't want to crawl into bed with him either. You're in a very tough position and only you can decide when enough is enough.

 

[step2]

It really helps to hear that others out there struggle with the same problems. I do realize that a marriage is a give and take and I do give (sex) a lot more than I would if it were left up to me. When he is calm and not negative or critical I am sensitive to his needs.

There are good times and I do see the man inside of the shell of hurt and trama.

One time I asked him what was the one quality he loves most about me and he said it is that I fight fair. Maybe too fair. I don't hold him to being responsible for his bad behavior, but that is something I am working on because I see now that he has to in order to grow and mature emotionally.

 

[ProudWife99]

That is an excellent understanding to come to, step2. It was difficult for me to learn as well. If we enable their bad behavior by excusing it, we make their unhappiness almost comfortable for them.