Justmehere
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Something happened today and I could use feedback on how to reframe my thinking.
It isn't the first time or the last time this situation has happened. It's not trauma. It's not good. It's a lot of stupid people doing stupid things. Organizational malfunctions. What happened is something now under legal investigation. Because of that... I'm going to make up a hypothetical that maybe gets at the issue I'm having in my thinking instead of the actual situation. I'll make it silly on purpose. This is probably the weirdest post ever, but I'll give it a try anyhow. I'm struggling. There has to be a different way to look at a situation like this than to the trauma links of where my head goes...
Basically, in this silly hypothetical...
1.) Let's say I'm deathly allergic to peanut butter. (I'm not. but again hypothetical.) My HMO insurance decides in order to access needed medical/mental health care I must eat a peanut butter sandwich every time I'm at the doctor. If I do not eat the sandwich, then I get no access to care. They will not pay. I can not self pay for all care.
2.) They agree in writing I am deathly allergic to said peanut butter. The allergy is not refuted.
3.) I ask as an ADA accommodation this peanut butter eating requirement is waived, in the name of staying alive and equal access despite my life altering disabling peanut butter allergy.
4.) They agree to waive it.
5.) I show up for approved covered medical care.... and there is an insurance subcontractor demanding I eat the peanut butter or I am not allowed to get into the medical office.
6.) The care is needed. Insurance agrees. Subcontractor agrees. They demand I eat the peanut butter or no care all the same.
7.) The doctor is angry. The doctor even leaves the office and provides care in the parking lot and doesn't bill insurance just to get around peanut butter idiot. Doc needs to do test inside the facility, but peanut butter idiot is saying no no she has to eat the peanut butter first or she can't get the test. Doc is exhausting all advocacy options with insurance.
8.) I plead my case, doc and I provide medical proof I am allergic yet again, and the demand stands. Insurance claims helplessness about who they hire as subcontractors ("we have no control over what they do") and allows the subcontractor to place this requirement on every access point to care for me and everyone else. ("Others do not have any issue with it.")
9.) I get a little suicidal one day and just eat the peanut butter to go into the medical office and get the medical test. I subsequently go into allergic shock. Get hospitalized. Never got the original test and health care need addressed.
10.) I went back today. Peanut butter dude at the door. They say "if you don't like it then you can choose to not get care." (This is actually what was said word for word.)
Yeah ok super silly hypothetical insane situation that would never happen in real life... but it gets at the pattern. (And it's an example my doc used who is alarmed/frustrated... because the real situation is really pretty nutty.) I was again required to do today by insurance the very thing that would kill me. My doctor objected. I did not do it. I just simply didn't get the medical care I needed. I handed over all the documentation and costs to the investigators, and I think the issue will eventually be solved.
For now, I have to endure without losing my mind. The problem is.... my head keeps thinking "they are demanding I die" and I'm going to very dark places with it. It is bringing me back to moments during trauma where I was forced to do what I did not want to do and was very harmful to my body. I am searching for a reframe. I have to figure out how to experience this situation with insurance as not a reliving of trauma of the past. It's not trauma, it's insurance stupid. But it is really getting to me that they agree the requirement is life threatening and against medical advice, and they told me to do it anyhow or else get no care. It's bringing up flashbacks of a knife to my throat and demands to do what I never wanted to do with my body. Or else.
I have to find a different way to think about all of this. Ideas?
It isn't the first time or the last time this situation has happened. It's not trauma. It's not good. It's a lot of stupid people doing stupid things. Organizational malfunctions. What happened is something now under legal investigation. Because of that... I'm going to make up a hypothetical that maybe gets at the issue I'm having in my thinking instead of the actual situation. I'll make it silly on purpose. This is probably the weirdest post ever, but I'll give it a try anyhow. I'm struggling. There has to be a different way to look at a situation like this than to the trauma links of where my head goes...
Basically, in this silly hypothetical...
1.) Let's say I'm deathly allergic to peanut butter. (I'm not. but again hypothetical.) My HMO insurance decides in order to access needed medical/mental health care I must eat a peanut butter sandwich every time I'm at the doctor. If I do not eat the sandwich, then I get no access to care. They will not pay. I can not self pay for all care.
2.) They agree in writing I am deathly allergic to said peanut butter. The allergy is not refuted.
3.) I ask as an ADA accommodation this peanut butter eating requirement is waived, in the name of staying alive and equal access despite my life altering disabling peanut butter allergy.
4.) They agree to waive it.
5.) I show up for approved covered medical care.... and there is an insurance subcontractor demanding I eat the peanut butter or I am not allowed to get into the medical office.
6.) The care is needed. Insurance agrees. Subcontractor agrees. They demand I eat the peanut butter or no care all the same.
7.) The doctor is angry. The doctor even leaves the office and provides care in the parking lot and doesn't bill insurance just to get around peanut butter idiot. Doc needs to do test inside the facility, but peanut butter idiot is saying no no she has to eat the peanut butter first or she can't get the test. Doc is exhausting all advocacy options with insurance.
8.) I plead my case, doc and I provide medical proof I am allergic yet again, and the demand stands. Insurance claims helplessness about who they hire as subcontractors ("we have no control over what they do") and allows the subcontractor to place this requirement on every access point to care for me and everyone else. ("Others do not have any issue with it.")
9.) I get a little suicidal one day and just eat the peanut butter to go into the medical office and get the medical test. I subsequently go into allergic shock. Get hospitalized. Never got the original test and health care need addressed.
10.) I went back today. Peanut butter dude at the door. They say "if you don't like it then you can choose to not get care." (This is actually what was said word for word.)
Yeah ok super silly hypothetical insane situation that would never happen in real life... but it gets at the pattern. (And it's an example my doc used who is alarmed/frustrated... because the real situation is really pretty nutty.) I was again required to do today by insurance the very thing that would kill me. My doctor objected. I did not do it. I just simply didn't get the medical care I needed. I handed over all the documentation and costs to the investigators, and I think the issue will eventually be solved.
For now, I have to endure without losing my mind. The problem is.... my head keeps thinking "they are demanding I die" and I'm going to very dark places with it. It is bringing me back to moments during trauma where I was forced to do what I did not want to do and was very harmful to my body. I am searching for a reframe. I have to figure out how to experience this situation with insurance as not a reliving of trauma of the past. It's not trauma, it's insurance stupid. But it is really getting to me that they agree the requirement is life threatening and against medical advice, and they told me to do it anyhow or else get no care. It's bringing up flashbacks of a knife to my throat and demands to do what I never wanted to do with my body. Or else.
I have to find a different way to think about all of this. Ideas?