people not always being there

[Catlovers141]

I struggle a lot with wanting people I feel close to to essentially always be available. I have a very hard time when people take days to respond to me, or when my therapist takes a couple of weeks of vacation. I end up feeling very alone, like the only one who is really there for me is myself, and I have to rely on people when they are there and rely on other things when they are not. This feels very unsafe to me -- how is someone there for you when they aren't always there?

Logically, I know that people have their own lives and needs and cannot always be there, therapists need vacations, etc. But how do you deal with the pain of feeling so alone, knowing that everyone else just leaves at seemingly random moments? I feel like you can't really count on anyone.

 

[Friday]

Logically, I know that people have their own lives and needs and cannot always be there, therapists need vacations, etc.

How about you? Do you lead your own life?

 

[Catlovers141]

How about you? Do you lead your own life?

Yes, I work and have other things going on as well. However, I will say that I often respond to messages faster than a lot of others around me.

But again, as I stated above I understand that people do and should have other parts of their lives. Honestly, if their lives were all about me it would creep me out. But I do have a hard time coping with this reality that there isn't total consistency and predictability with who will be there.

 

[Friday]

Yes, I work and have other things going on as well.

Sweet! :) A lot of people don’t, either their lives revolve utterly around others, or they have no life of their own to speak of, it’s just sort of in limbo waiting on external direction. And that requires backing up and starting there, ya know? Learning to live your own life, piece by piece, until other people are in it, rather than making it exist at all.

Honestly, if their lives were all about me it would creep me out.

LMAO. Good on. :D Seriously. Because, again, there are people who haven’t gotten to that stage of independence, yet.

You see where I’m going with this, yes? Pretty much going up the scale of dependence, independence, interdependence dance that happens a few times during childhood, and then again at least once, if not a couple times, in adulthood as we sort out our own place in the world, and others’ places in ours.

So would it be fair to say what’s going on is more of that early 20s absoluteism? Real friends are ABC, XYZ, etc.? (This is Labeling/an extreme form of Overgeneralizing, in cognitive distortions, by the by). Whilst leading your own lives is understood sort of vaguely/intellectually, there isn’t “space” set aside to allow that to happen, yet. So any kind of conflict challenges the core definition of what your relationship actually “is”. So it’s always disappointing, and makes you question where you are in their priorities (or are even a priority at all??? Are we not friends???), and even whether you have a relationship at all?

Less a being childish, and more being young-adultish, kind of pattern?

I could be way off base, here, hence the ask.

I know I’m going about this kind of the long way around, but it’s one of those things where the answers on how to deal with the pain, loneliness, etc. suddenly start to leap off the page if it can be sourced more precisely. Because it’s a very normal sort of process that zillions of people go through, there are lots of reeeeeeally good answers, that account for different personalities, life stages, etc. One of those not strange or freakish things, but normal and wanted stages of development, as we become who we are & decide who that is, aaaaaaaaand who we want to populate our lives with.

Because that’s part of the answer as well. There’s no one right way to “be”. There are populations of people who are very demanding of themselves and others in their availability. That’s normal and right in their world, and anything failing to meet very high standards of access is unacceptable. That’s not wrong. That’s a choice. It’s a lot more comfortable choice, if you’re moving in circles of people who have made the same choices.

 

[Catlovers141]

Sweet! :) A lot of people don’t, either their lives revolve utterly around others, or they have no life of their own to speak of, it’s just sort of in limbo waiting on external direction. And that requires backing up and starting there, ya know? Learning to live your own life, piece by piece, until other people are in it, rather than making it exist at all.

LMAO. Good on. :D Seriously. Because, again, there are people who haven’t gotten to that stage of independence, yet.

You see where I’m going with this, yes? Pretty much going up the scale of dependence, independence, interdependence dance that happens a few times during childhood, and then again at least once, if not a couple times, in adulthood as we sort out our own place in the world, and others’ places in ours.

So would it be fair to say what’s going on is more of that early 20s absoluteism? Real friends are ABC, XYZ, etc.? (This is Labeling/an extreme form of Overgeneralizing, in cognitive distortions, by the by). Whilst leading your own lives is understood sort of vaguely/intellectually, there isn’t “space” set aside to allow that to happen, yet. So any kind of conflict challenges the core definition of what your relationship actually “is”. So it’s always disappointing, and makes you question where you are in their priorities (or are even a priority at all??? Are we not friends???), and even whether you have a relationship at all?

Less a being childish, and more being young-adultish, kind of pattern?

I could be way off base, here, hence the ask.

I know I’m going about this kind of the long way around, but it’s one of those things where the answers on how to deal with the pain, loneliness, etc. suddenly start to leap off the page if it can be sourced more precisely. Because it’s a very normal sort of process that zillions of people go through, there are lots of reeeeeeally good answers, that account for different personalities, life stages, etc. One of those not strange or freakish things, but normal and wanted stages of development, as we become who we are & decide who that is, aaaaaaaaand who we want to populate our lives with.

Because that’s part of the answer as well. There’s no one right way to “be”. There are populations of people who are very demanding of themselves and others in their availability. That’s normal and right in their world, and anything failing to meet very high standards of access is unacceptable. That’s not wrong. That’s a choice. It’s a lot more comfortable choice, if you’re moving in circles of people who have made the same choices.

I suppose part of it could be more young-adultish rather than childish, but it's hard for me to tell. I'm 27, so I just got out of the early twenties stage anyway. However, I feel like these issues have always bothered me more than other people my age, even when I was a bit younger.

My therapist thinks it's partly because I didn't get emotional needs met consistently when I was really little, so that need is still there.

I end up feeling very alone and I cry a lot without completely understanding why. This time it was set off by my therapist saying that this year she is going to be taking more vacations than before. The emotions were so unbearable and I spent all of our session and a lot of time afterward crying. I just wish that this wasn't such a big issue for me, and I wish I understood how other people cope with the fact that we are as alone as we are -- we are the only ones who can live our lives and we can't always count on other people to be there when we need them, for whatever reason. How does this not make people just want to give up?

 

[Deanna]

My therapist thinks it's partly because I didn't get emotional needs met consistently when I was really little, so that need is still there.

What your therapist says is correct. You shy away when she/he won't be there for you. I would tell the therapist about this and express that you might need/choose another therapist.. Perhaps you've let yourself get too close.

I was raised the minus of a parent(s) as well. From birth, I was not wanted

 

[EveHarrington]

Cast a wide net.

Not everyone can always be there for us. This is why it’s good to have a wide variety of supports in our lives. If one person is unavailable, chances are that someone else can be there for us. :hug:

 

[grit]

catlovers 141

funny I just posted a post about abandonment.
I think where you were developmentally delayed is a developmental phase or space where a child learns object permanence. This means the child knows or learns that just because mom is not in his sight, she is not gone completely. There is a childish game called Peek-A-Boo...where this object permanence is played out and also this is how doctors test a child to see where he or she is at developmentally speaking.

From what I read it is truly debilitating feeling when it is experienced as an adult. I am really happy for you that you are acknowledging this feeling and actually exploring it rather than dismissing or suppressing.

I read about this long time ago because I thought I had it but my issue is I feel the opposite, I want to put the object there and know it is there but stay there..LOL. But maybe this is safer for me.

it is complicated feeling.

Thank you for posting this,

 

[Catlovers141]

catlovers 141

funny I just posted a post about abandonment.
I think where you were developmentally delayed is a developmental phase or space where a child learns object permanence. This means the child knows or learns that just because mom is not in his sight, she is not gone completely. There is a childish game called Peek-A-Boo...where this object permanence is played out and also this is how doctors test a child to see where he or she is at developmentally speaking.

From what I read it is truly debilitating feeling when it is experienced as an adult. I am really happy for you that you are acknowledging this feeling and actually exploring it rather than dismissing or suppressing.

I read about this long time ago because I thought I had it but my issue is I feel the opposite, I want to put the object there and know it is there but stay there..LOL. But maybe this is safer for me.

it is complicated feeling.

Thank you for posting this,

Thank you for replying. I think what you say is correct. My therapist and I have talked about object permanence being an issue for me, so this likely has a lot to do with it.

It is so painful, and it feels like no matter what has happened in my life, object permanence doesn't sink in emotionally. If you have any readings you would recommend, or other suggestions, please let me know. I haven't found too much about this in adults.

 

[grit]

Hi Catlovers141

I just wrote a bit about how I process my own therapy experience and healing. To me you are feeling the emotions of the affect and you are already speaking about it. So you have it emotionally and you have it intellectually but what is missing is a connection between the two.

You are not confused about your feeling. You said it in so many ways exactly what it feels, when it comes, how it goes. and you heard your therapist give it a name or an idea.

for me after those two knowledge/feeling acknowledgment, what I do is obsess over it and meditate on it or use creativity, drawing, writing, singing, dancing anything that works for you with the intention of understanding and accepting your feeling and your understanding.

It sounds mechanical but these things children learn when they are babies so for adult, another approach has to take a place.

Sometimes, I find we do not let certain feelings go (even after therapy) because they are serving us something. You should find out what your life would look like if you stopped having this feeling? What is it you are gaining from this feeling?

Also one thing that works for me but maybe not others, i never recovered from anything unless I can connect to it happening to a child (me my inner self), I need that full connection that makes me flood and grieve like a death has happened. without this process, I do not move on.

 

[Finchlet2]

Wow this thread had really resonated with me. I gotta go but I'm gonna come back to this and give it the time it deserves

 

[Finchlet2]

Ahh whatever I do I can't find the words. Those close to me know about my abandonment issues. I both do more for them driven by this and let them anhillate boundaries. Anything not to be thrown away. Trust is so hard as is self respect. Suspicion paranoia are harder to fight when the people who have no barriers or boundaries blocking there path to all of you, full access so to speak are the subject of that mistrust. It's something so intimate and exposing to be free with someone that mistrust can lead to dissociation. I dissociate to protect myself from pain. Passionate beings we are. Straight out voicing my suspicious thoughts is a red rag to a bull. I understand why. To give myself freely and completely trust? The first I can honestly say ain't a problem anymore. Was for over a decade. Whoop whoop. The second. However hard I try my brains like f*ck that. I'm trying to increase my interaction with friends outside of the situations to find some balance life's busy and complicated so takes time to establish new norms