BigSnoopy126
New Here
Hi. I don't know how much I'll some here, but I wanted to say "hi" just in case. I'm using the same name as on an Asperger's forum I haven't visitedin several years but which I posted on some and it helped me work through how I deal with some thigns. Although I'm really on the borderline between that and neurotypical, since on a cople tests I tested at 24 one time, 27 another, and 80 or 90% of all Aspies are at 32 or higher and NT is 16 or lower.
Add in being born with 20/800 vision and low hearing, and it could be argued msot of what I have there is my handicaps, but there are some thigns where I'm a lot more literal, etc. And I've worked through that to where I can pretty easily ask questions about what people mean,e tc..
But PTSD is definitely there. I was fine in grade school, then Junior High, because of the attitude of a few teachers who didn't care making me more fearful, along with bullying and the way 1-2 treated others, was death by a thousand paper cubs. I won't get into specifics, let's just say that I'd have been better off being home schooled, and as even in 7th grade a few people made me start to think everyone was unapproachable and my love for school disappeared by 9th, though I got it back again in high school.
In highs chool and colelge - we're talking 35-40 years ago by this point - i wasn't doing badly; I had a few flashbacks but nightmares were over and fear of others being cruel, unthinking toward handicapped people, or worse saying I was worthless because of my hanedicaps and punishing me for them - were pretty much gone. I said odd thigns at times - if someone accidentally ran into me or something I'd say "that's okay, as long as you're nice to kids and always treat them with love and kindness." It was a weird way for my trauma to show, but this docile, tenderhearted kid who was always so nice and cared about others was recovering the best way possible; by knowing it was somethign int he past and the bad thigns wouldn't hurt me anymore.
My biggest mistake was going to law school. Secondary trauma came *very* easily. I do part-time wills and estate planing but in retrospect I should just eschewed that and focused on writing as a career. A good friend was traumatized and also had what I think was a TBI around this time as he became very bitter and angry all of a sudden after always being so nice, and that destruction of routine was also devastating. So, the early to middle '90s were just a big mess.
Then, maybe due tot he stress of the practice, I began having flashbacks to Junior High again in 2000, and I really fell into what might ave even been depression; it was definitely burnout. People weren't nice the way I needed them to be; the routine I needed from trauma recovery but also probably Aspergers making it worse.
Thigns have gotten much better -- especially the last few years, I don't have nightmares anymore and that's even without sleeping with my stuffed animals from childhood, though a couple are always downstairs witht he rest int he attic. I reconnected witgh my best friend, Bob, last year, thanks to his sister saying he was sorry and understood he'd hurt me terribly and was much better now. While he doesn't write back, that's because he's being cautious about not re-triggering me - which is a trait for our childhoods, his often worrying about saying the wrong thing, so that is at least consistent. Which means, for all intents and purposes, Bob is back. If he doesn't write again, it's okay, he knows my writing him is helping me a lot, and I've shared so much with him about my trauma and recovery.
So, why am I here?
I don't know. I think part is because I had a n emotional flashback today, feeling like I was back in school and someone might want to hurt me for being handicapped. Part is my handicaps are getting worse - in my mid-50s my eyesight isn't what it was, I can't read newspaper-sized pring close to my face anymore. (Glasses never helped, I have choroid coloboms, a condition effecting the blood vesssel layer behind the eyes.) Part is that I can't do some of the thigns I used to love in minstry before Covid; our inner city ministry director died and of Covid and we just used all the excess money to get kids to my church's camp, the bus ministry is way down so they don't need a bus captain, I do still wserve Wednesday night in childrens' ministries but i can't just walk the neighborhood handing out tracts anymore. I do still do the Internet ministry I've done for 15 years, but sometimes it's nice to just have others to talk with. And, Internet forums are going the way of the dodo, as my best friend from college likes to say. Oh, and my best friend from church died of cancer several years ago so we don't get totgames at his house and other stuff, plus I'm disgusted with sports becasue of all the gambling associations.
So, while I still have close friends, a few of them have gone and my closest is in another state, and life changes as I get older mean I'm being proactive in getting a group of support around me in case things do get worse, though I'm also working on all the grounding techiniques and other stuff in general. Kind of findign ways to keep from getting triggeredin the first place.
I honestly have no idea *what* triggered the flashback today. I do know constant swearing, especially loud f-bombs, trigger me so I stay away from thsoe, but that's stuff people stay away from who don't have PTSD. I need happy endings, I'll never read any true crime stuff, but that's been my personality since I was little. I pretend to talk with stuffed animals, but that's just what kids do, and since I know I'm doing their voices in my head, it's okay. I know I'm pretending, so in a way, is it even dissociation? I don't think so.
Especially because *not* talking with them was my biggest mistake once I got to be an adult. I did it less and less; but if I'd used that likely Aspie trait maybe I'd have been able to figure out that just because a communications law course in college was fun and I liked the analytics of law, I would be too scarred by stories of crime, domestic violence, etc. in law school cases. And jsut becuase I had to have a career didn't mean it had to be law.
So, that's why I'm here, and if I post mroe or not, at least I've introduced myself so if it's 5-10 years and I decide to post again, you'll know who I am. :-)
Add in being born with 20/800 vision and low hearing, and it could be argued msot of what I have there is my handicaps, but there are some thigns where I'm a lot more literal, etc. And I've worked through that to where I can pretty easily ask questions about what people mean,e tc..
But PTSD is definitely there. I was fine in grade school, then Junior High, because of the attitude of a few teachers who didn't care making me more fearful, along with bullying and the way 1-2 treated others, was death by a thousand paper cubs. I won't get into specifics, let's just say that I'd have been better off being home schooled, and as even in 7th grade a few people made me start to think everyone was unapproachable and my love for school disappeared by 9th, though I got it back again in high school.
In highs chool and colelge - we're talking 35-40 years ago by this point - i wasn't doing badly; I had a few flashbacks but nightmares were over and fear of others being cruel, unthinking toward handicapped people, or worse saying I was worthless because of my hanedicaps and punishing me for them - were pretty much gone. I said odd thigns at times - if someone accidentally ran into me or something I'd say "that's okay, as long as you're nice to kids and always treat them with love and kindness." It was a weird way for my trauma to show, but this docile, tenderhearted kid who was always so nice and cared about others was recovering the best way possible; by knowing it was somethign int he past and the bad thigns wouldn't hurt me anymore.
My biggest mistake was going to law school. Secondary trauma came *very* easily. I do part-time wills and estate planing but in retrospect I should just eschewed that and focused on writing as a career. A good friend was traumatized and also had what I think was a TBI around this time as he became very bitter and angry all of a sudden after always being so nice, and that destruction of routine was also devastating. So, the early to middle '90s were just a big mess.
Then, maybe due tot he stress of the practice, I began having flashbacks to Junior High again in 2000, and I really fell into what might ave even been depression; it was definitely burnout. People weren't nice the way I needed them to be; the routine I needed from trauma recovery but also probably Aspergers making it worse.
Thigns have gotten much better -- especially the last few years, I don't have nightmares anymore and that's even without sleeping with my stuffed animals from childhood, though a couple are always downstairs witht he rest int he attic. I reconnected witgh my best friend, Bob, last year, thanks to his sister saying he was sorry and understood he'd hurt me terribly and was much better now. While he doesn't write back, that's because he's being cautious about not re-triggering me - which is a trait for our childhoods, his often worrying about saying the wrong thing, so that is at least consistent. Which means, for all intents and purposes, Bob is back. If he doesn't write again, it's okay, he knows my writing him is helping me a lot, and I've shared so much with him about my trauma and recovery.
So, why am I here?
I don't know. I think part is because I had a n emotional flashback today, feeling like I was back in school and someone might want to hurt me for being handicapped. Part is my handicaps are getting worse - in my mid-50s my eyesight isn't what it was, I can't read newspaper-sized pring close to my face anymore. (Glasses never helped, I have choroid coloboms, a condition effecting the blood vesssel layer behind the eyes.) Part is that I can't do some of the thigns I used to love in minstry before Covid; our inner city ministry director died and of Covid and we just used all the excess money to get kids to my church's camp, the bus ministry is way down so they don't need a bus captain, I do still wserve Wednesday night in childrens' ministries but i can't just walk the neighborhood handing out tracts anymore. I do still do the Internet ministry I've done for 15 years, but sometimes it's nice to just have others to talk with. And, Internet forums are going the way of the dodo, as my best friend from college likes to say. Oh, and my best friend from church died of cancer several years ago so we don't get totgames at his house and other stuff, plus I'm disgusted with sports becasue of all the gambling associations.
So, while I still have close friends, a few of them have gone and my closest is in another state, and life changes as I get older mean I'm being proactive in getting a group of support around me in case things do get worse, though I'm also working on all the grounding techiniques and other stuff in general. Kind of findign ways to keep from getting triggeredin the first place.
I honestly have no idea *what* triggered the flashback today. I do know constant swearing, especially loud f-bombs, trigger me so I stay away from thsoe, but that's stuff people stay away from who don't have PTSD. I need happy endings, I'll never read any true crime stuff, but that's been my personality since I was little. I pretend to talk with stuffed animals, but that's just what kids do, and since I know I'm doing their voices in my head, it's okay. I know I'm pretending, so in a way, is it even dissociation? I don't think so.
Especially because *not* talking with them was my biggest mistake once I got to be an adult. I did it less and less; but if I'd used that likely Aspie trait maybe I'd have been able to figure out that just because a communications law course in college was fun and I liked the analytics of law, I would be too scarred by stories of crime, domestic violence, etc. in law school cases. And jsut becuase I had to have a career didn't mean it had to be law.
So, that's why I'm here, and if I post mroe or not, at least I've introduced myself so if it's 5-10 years and I decide to post again, you'll know who I am. :-)
