Perpetrators: Part Of The Past

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi peeps.

I'm going to tell you a story, about the kinds of contact with my perpetrators (my parents) I've had over the years. And I wonder, what you think about it, and how you dealt with your parents, if they were also your abusers.

As a kid, I was a sort of martyr. I am sure many of you can relate to you as a child, being abused by your parents, and yet defending them and loving them to death. I would defend my parents towards anybody who said anything bad about them, more so (!) even because I knew the allegations were true.

I was physically abused by my mother until I was fourteen and I have memories of being sexually abused although I can't recall it really happening. After the divorce, my dad transformed into nothing less than an authoritarian "man of the house" who controlled and supervised everything I did.

Now when I was around my early twenties, I tried everything to restore contact with them. I still believed we "could be friends". I succeeded. I restored normal contact with both parties. Some people declared me "crazy" for wanting to be friends with my perpetrators. Others said they thought it was courageous.

The older I get, the less I feel the need to be in contact with either of them. I feel it is still unequal and destructive for me to be around them, even though they've both gradually grown more peaceful and forgiving over the years. Now, they blame me yet again, saying that I'm "too full of spite" and they hope I can "get over it".

But I'm not full of spite. I just feel like they are a part of my past, and irrelevant to the life I have now. I bear no responsibility to be their friend, as they have never done me any favors in my youth, except for giving me food and allowing me to stay alive (which sometimes barely).

Do any of you recognize this change? How do you deal with your ex-abusers, if they are family?

Radise

 

[shimmerz]

@Radise it sounds like you are well on your way! Congratulations! For myself, I have learned to gauge who to walk away from when I recognize that they deflect all responsibility for their actions. They cannot understand that they played a part. The fact that your parents are still holding onto the fact that you are 'spiteful' when by rights, I see you needing to talk about what happened, well, I am not certain that is healthy for you. I think as we do the work and those abusers do not there becomes a larger and larger chasm, making it easier to see the boundaries that need to be maintained with these types of people (parents or not). Best of luck as you work towards your well earned independence.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@shimmerz, thanks for the reply. Well you know, I did have the "peace talks" with them. With both my parents actually, and we established some degree of normal communication.

Up to this day, I usually saw them once a year, when they visited my relatives (they both life, separately, in two foreign countries). However, last year I was hit by a tsunami of flashbacks, nightmares, the whole ordeal came drifting from my subconscious into my conscious. It was pure hell!

Since then, I don't feel the need to talk to them anymore, even though I had repaired the communication before that time. And they both feel hurt about it. I think they wanted to show to me that they could be normal parents, maybe they feel the need to "repair" what they have done, for their own moral well-being. However, I just don't think I have a place for them in my life as somebody who is healing.

This is how come they are accusing me of being spiteful again. It's like a flashback to my teenage years, when I had severe PTSD as well and both my parents labeled it "spite and vengeance". So yeah, they're not really worth getting close to.

 

[shimmerz]

When we start honouring ourselves before others, that is when the real healing begins imho.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had to disconnect from my very abusive and toxic family. I did this shortly after I started therapy because the whole family was in denial and I needed to protect my own family from them. Now both of my parents are dead, one brother is dead and I have a brother I never speak to and do not know where he is.

I have a phone call only relationship with my sister that I do not talk to very much.

Follow your heart and trust your gut instincts, they never lie.

 

[Go Hungry]

I still have contact with my brother, though rarely. It took him a while, but I think he finally understands that I just really don't want to have anything to do with him. It's not that I completely hate him exactly, it's just that... Well, I still haven't forgiven him for what he did to my life. So I mostly stay away. It took my Mom a really long time to understand that, but not so much my Dad. Anyways, I only see my brother once or twice a year, so it's not that big of a deal.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@gizmo is it weird that they passed away? Sometimes I wonder how I would react if one of my parents did. They're still pretty young, nearing their sixties. I know some people would lay a guilt trip on me, and I know sometimes my own brain tries to lay a guilt trip on me. "You should be friends with them now that you can!"

But I'm starting to think that wanting to be friends with your abusers is the wishful thinking of a kid without parents. You grow up, and you start to realize -I don't really need them. What can they add no my life? Nothing.

@Go Hungry yeah, I see my parents once a year. They're divorced, and they both live abroad. Up to this point, I would meet with them one day a year, for a few hours, while they were in my country. But I never feel comfortable around them. I don't love them, and I don't think I ever will. They have a way of getting inside my head, making me feel insecure, like no one else. It's not worth it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

No it is not weird that my parents passed away. I just feel relief that most of my family have died and cannot hurt anyone ever again. My moms death really did a number on me as I was nineteen at the time of the crash. I had no contact ever again with my dad when he died two years ago of cancer.